For not wanting to let my partner drive my car

[Watersounds]

NC

Backstory: I have always had my own car, see it as a symbol of my independence as I was a single parent for a while and is absolutely necessary where we live.

We both had own car, no issues, DP never wanted to drive mine as he had his own etc. About a year ago DP lost his job and we struggled financially even though I am main breadwinner. The decision was made to get rid of my car (it was older, needed some work etc) and we went down to one car which wasn’t too bad as DP rarely needed it. He got a job after about 6 months and all was well. I wanted a new car for me but couldn’t justify it as we had used one car for ages and we were cautious about more spending more money until he passed probation etc. Then DP wanted a bigger car (for work) so he saved up and traded etc to buy one, he was thrilled.

4 months on from that I have saved up some money and put a large deposit down on a very nice car and the finance is in my name only. It’s my car and I’m very excited.

DP has already started about how he can’t wait to drive it, he wants to take it when he goes X, he wants to drive to his parents in it etc how he will drive it when we go away etc. keeps referring to it as the family car.

I don’t want him to, told him so and he copped the hump terribly. Saying how I was happy to drive his car for a year (yes because we didn’t have any others) and how I was basically just a bitch for not sharing it.

It is not even here yet and he has said he will take it for the first drive to get fuel etc.

AIBU?

You should drive it first obviously but I think you're being pretty bitchy to say no to him driving it at all.

@Watersounds i think it will
be quite expensive to add him to yours as well won’t it?

Too expensive, he said?

Well there you go then. Perfect response for you

DH and I are insured on each others cars but they are definitely his and mine, we don't presume to use each others its just very handy sometimes and doesn't add much to our insurance

Unlike yours, as you can blithely respond next time he mentions it

At first I thought you were being a bit precious, but after seeing the update that he won't add you to his insurance then sod him. Also, him deciding he'll get first drive and dictating when he'll be using it is a bit controlling. He should be asking if he can borrow it, not telling you when he'll be using it. Is he a bit of an arse in other areas of the relationship?

IME adding someone on who has no claims brings the insurance down (assuming you both have no claims) so it's a bit short sighted in a few ways not to add each other on.

Me and DP have separate finances but with cars we're on each other's as drivers because you just never know when we might need a favour.

So you both seem very petty about it, but he started it I guess so I don't blame you. But it will bite you on the arse at some point.

And absolutely no way to him getting the first drive!!

We are "his car/ her car" mainly because of the faff of moving his seat out of the back of the car, and him contorting into the driver's seat to release the seat lever to move the seat back. His cars haven't tended to be ergonomic for short women drivers.
We are insured on each other's cars (and it's often cheaper to do so) so do drive them occasionally when there is a practical benefit or to split long journeys.

DP is sounding weirdly possessive about his car and intrusive about OP's. That would annoy me. His attitude is greedy and hypocritical.

How odd!

Tell him he either puts your name on his car insurance or you don't insure him on yours.
I certainly wouldn't be letting him drive yours on his insurance as 1) he needs your permission, which you are not prepared to give at the moment and 2) he'd only be covered 3rd party to drive your car on his insurance - and it sounds like an expensive car.
I think you've got a much bigger conversation to have with your DP about the split of assets and finances if this relationship is to continue.

We have our own cars, for years I had a company car, I was made redundant last year and DH was far better at sharing his car for 3 months than I would have been.

Historically I have driven his car loads while he has hardly ever driven mine. I do a lot of driving (at one stage 17k miles a year) whereas he does about 4K. I now have an electric car, same Car as DH’s hybrid. I drive his now and then as the salesman says he doesn’t do enough mileage and it would be better if I give it a regular good run out. So this is for his benefit.

Sometimes I borrow his if I have a long journey to do, such as 200 miles each way to my sister, or 250 to DS at uni. Sometimes just if I can’t be bothered to unplug it while charging.

Now I am office based, DH will drive mine to get a puncture fixed, etc, as he has time at home during the day.

I can’t imagine not being happy to help each other out, but he has not insured you on his car? I think it would be too expensive to insure him on yours too.

Do you currently have access to his car? If he's not sharing his new, big (for work) car why would he expect to share yours. It's obvious that you originally each had your own cars and went down to one car when he lost his job. Presumably you were contributing financially to fuel and maintain that car? If you are each now funding your own cars again then letting the other drive it sometimes will be up to the 'owner'

So you aren’t allowed to drive his car, but he expects to take first dibs on yours?

He can fuck off with that attitude.

He ought to check. It might bring his premium down.

This! It's your car. If he won't share his I don't see why you should share yours.

Toddlers who won't let other toddlers play with their toys

Then he is being hypocritical and you are not being unreasonable.

He won't insure OP on his car so she can't drive his so he is being completely hypocritical expecting her to let him drive hers.

Why does he want to drive yours when he has his own that he won't insure you to drive?

If yours is "nicer" why didn't he get one? Is he just jealous or trying to mark it as "his territory"?

I'd tell him to fuck off and grow up.

There is your answer to him then, from what I’ve read you are not being unreasonable as you only went to one car because he couldn’t financially contribute as he lost his job am I right?. I would just say to him he won’t be insured on yours as would cost too much and from now on as you are main breadwinner I would suggest you tell him you want to keep finances separate and pay 50/50 everything Joe he has a job again

Well that's sort of a drip feed.

I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’
this^ should be your answer to him OP. It’s different when you had one car.

Was going to say you were being unreasonable until I read your update regarding you and his car.
Just make it clear it is your car and only insured for you. Keep your car keys safe with you. Warn him that you do not give permission for him to drive it and if he ever does you will phone the police.
Please also reassess your relationship....
FWIW officially my DH and I have a car each (he let me drive the brand new one first!) but we use each others and are both insured. This is what we've agreed between us! We have had times with just one car which was a manageable juggle and my DH did think we could manage with only one again when one died but I insisted we do need both......... which we absolutely do!

Why would he need to drive yours? He has his own now that he has picked for himself and you are not able to drive that. Why does he think he can just decide he is going to use something that belongs to someone else? You only drove his before as you went to one car due to his job situation so that part is irrelevant to the situation now. Let him sulk and don’t put him on your insurance. If he wanted to drive the car you have bought he should have bought that car when he picked his.

You sold your car becsuse he lost his job. Then when he got another job, and despite you being the major breadwinner, it was him who hot the bigger car. This is the bigger car that he won't let you drive becsuse he won't put you on the insurance. But he thinks when you get your new car, it suddenly becomes the family car which he will drive first. I don't blame you for being annoyed. I would be livid.

I'm going to assume this is the tip of the iceberg. I suspect he has a better standard of living because of your higher wage. I suspect he's selfish and arrogant in many ways. Does he take advantage of you financially? I'd be thinking very long and hard about the future of this relationship.

OP, you have done a lot of supporting this man..?
Perhaps too much.
He sounds very presumptuous.

I think that now feeling you are being forced to share your new car, when you haven't even driven his new car, should be a step too far.

He's now got a huff?
He sounds like a petulant man child.
Most unattractive.

We teach people how to treat us and the balance seems very very off in your relationship.

Do not give him a key.
He has a new car.
You are giving too much of yourself in this relationship and are being taken for granted.

Let him huff.
Perhaps tell him how sulking is really unattractive.
Don't give in.

Oh an you are the main bread winner?

I think you have a selfish loser on your hands.