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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't know how to handle my dad

71 replies

OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:16

My dad is obviously unhappy about things me / my generation have done and his way of dealing with it is to make sarcastic little quips every now and again which I find really irritating.
I've tried the "ah, you're obviously upset about something, I'm happy to talk about it", and he's just laughed and said "where do I start?!"
To which I've said "I dunno, just mention one thing and let's see how we go" and he's said "well, you wouldn't understand" and shut down.

He's probably right, one of the things he holds against a sibling is having a partner from a different culture. Or against another sibling is taking a job abroad instead of working in the family business. So whatever he's holding against me, I'm guessing it's something I just wouldn't see as wrong.

His generation never questioned their parents so just the very fact I'm questioning the sarcastic quips is probably confusing in itself for him.

The thing is I don't get it...if he doesn't want to talk about what's bothering him why make little quips 🙈

Anyway, I don't know how to handle this. Do I
a) develop a thicker skin... realistically he'll be around for around 10 more years or less, let him deal with whatever he's upset about how he wants to and ignore his quips (AIBU)

b) every time he makes a sarcastic quip just observe "ah, something really hurt you" so that he either talks about it or gets uncomfortable enough not to bring it up again (?!) (AINBU)

c) something else ...ideas welcome!

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 10/05/2025 08:20

When he says you wouldn't understand ask him to explain/elaborate??? If hes elderly they weren't taught to talk about their emotions/feelings

Toootss · 10/05/2025 08:22

Does he go on at your siblings like this?

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:24

shellyleppard · 10/05/2025 08:20

When he says you wouldn't understand ask him to explain/elaborate??? If hes elderly they weren't taught to talk about their emotions/feelings

I have done, he just laughs sarcastically and it gets to the point where I just drop it

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/05/2025 08:24

Yeah, just ignore him. He doesnt want to talk about it (or understand why other people might make different choices to him), he just wants to moan.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:24

Toootss · 10/05/2025 08:22

Does he go on at your siblings like this?

Yes

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:25

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/05/2025 08:24

Yeah, just ignore him. He doesnt want to talk about it (or understand why other people might make different choices to him), he just wants to moan.

Thank you. I needed to hear that!

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 10/05/2025 08:26

@OrangeChips1 then just ignore him. Change the subject, if he wants to talk he will

BlueRidgeMountain · 10/05/2025 08:27

I’d ignore. It’s like when people post cryptic messages on Facebook along the lines of “you know who your true friends are”, someone pops up with “you ok hun?” and they respond with “I’ll pm you”. It’s basic attention seeking, and I’d probably end up telling him straight that I’m fed up of him making these little quips then refusing to elaborate. It’s tiresome.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:28

BlueRidgeMountain · 10/05/2025 08:27

I’d ignore. It’s like when people post cryptic messages on Facebook along the lines of “you know who your true friends are”, someone pops up with “you ok hun?” and they respond with “I’ll pm you”. It’s basic attention seeking, and I’d probably end up telling him straight that I’m fed up of him making these little quips then refusing to elaborate. It’s tiresome.

Yes! It's like a real life version of that! 🙄

OP posts:
olderbutwiser · 10/05/2025 08:33

If you can something like, “Dad, either explain that so we can have a chat about it or drop the cryptic sarcasm. It’s making you look bit childish”

GRex · 10/05/2025 08:33

Can you give an example of the "little quips" as it depends really on exactly what he's saying. He's probably just having a grumble to himself and best ignored, but maybe not.

Gardendiary · 10/05/2025 08:35

How old is he? My dad’s 83 and wouldn’t have a problem with any of the things you mention or any generations younger than him. He also encouraged critical thinking so we could definitely have differing opinions.
what Im saying is - it’s not an age thing - your dad is a bit of a wanker. You are probably not going to win with him, but neither should you be trying. It’s a ‘him’ problem that he has some unpleasant and controlling views. It’s not for you to tie yourself in knots trying to appease him.

Sharptonguedwoman · 10/05/2025 08:41

Gardendiary · 10/05/2025 08:35

How old is he? My dad’s 83 and wouldn’t have a problem with any of the things you mention or any generations younger than him. He also encouraged critical thinking so we could definitely have differing opinions.
what Im saying is - it’s not an age thing - your dad is a bit of a wanker. You are probably not going to win with him, but neither should you be trying. It’s a ‘him’ problem that he has some unpleasant and controlling views. It’s not for you to tie yourself in knots trying to appease him.

Just like to agree with this. I'm assuming your dad is in his 60s or 70s and I can say with all truth that people that age challenged their parents all the time-views, behaviour, music, whatever.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:42

GRex · 10/05/2025 08:33

Can you give an example of the "little quips" as it depends really on exactly what he's saying. He's probably just having a grumble to himself and best ignored, but maybe not.

Eg if I mention some charity work he'll say "she'll help the whole world but not her family" referring to my mum's mental health problems which are WELL beyond my remit and I've repeatedly asked that she see a professional rather than expecting me to solve them

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:43

Gardendiary · 10/05/2025 08:35

How old is he? My dad’s 83 and wouldn’t have a problem with any of the things you mention or any generations younger than him. He also encouraged critical thinking so we could definitely have differing opinions.
what Im saying is - it’s not an age thing - your dad is a bit of a wanker. You are probably not going to win with him, but neither should you be trying. It’s a ‘him’ problem that he has some unpleasant and controlling views. It’s not for you to tie yourself in knots trying to appease him.

Good point. Mid 70s

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:43

Sharptonguedwoman · 10/05/2025 08:41

Just like to agree with this. I'm assuming your dad is in his 60s or 70s and I can say with all truth that people that age challenged their parents all the time-views, behaviour, music, whatever.

Show quote history

Yeh that's a good point. And he did. He just doesn't like his challenged 😅

OP posts:
MumsTheWordOrSotheySay · 10/05/2025 08:48

Definitely just ignore him. There's no point challenging him. Let it go, let him stew, let yourself be free.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:53

MumsTheWordOrSotheySay · 10/05/2025 08:48

Definitely just ignore him. There's no point challenging him. Let it go, let him stew, let yourself be free.

Yeh I think that's the problem...I end up stewing and wanting him to be happy with me

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 10/05/2025 08:54

He sounds stroppy and childish. Tell him to either discuss it with you or drop the attitude as you won’t be indulging him. Then just ignore him or leave the room when he starts going on…

AnnaMagnani · 10/05/2025 08:55

Ignore it.

I love my DM dearly but I'll be honest, I listen to her with a mental filter in place so I can pick out the bits to engage with and ignore the routine moans. Engaging with them achieved nothing except upsetting both of us.

ThatNimblePeer · 10/05/2025 08:55

If you’re looking at him and estimating when he’s likely to die so you don’t have to be bothered with him any more, tbh I don’t blame him for being an upset person in general.

FortyElephants · 10/05/2025 08:57

I am trying to learn to grey rock when my dad does this kind of thing. I used to respond and we would have humdinger arguments. He will never change, as you say he won't be around forever so it's best to ignore it if you want to have a relationship with him.

Original poster
OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:58

ThatNimblePeer · 10/05/2025 08:55

If you’re looking at him and estimating when he’s likely to die so you don’t have to be bothered with him any more, tbh I don’t blame him for being an upset person in general.

I didn't mean it like that. Sorry. What I meant was I don't want to go NC with him over this as he doesn't have long left. (NC is what has been suggested by therapist/friends in RL). So want to find a way of ignoring it or something else

OP posts:
FeatherDawn · 10/05/2025 09:01

The thing is I don't get it...if he doesn't want to talk about what's bothering him why make little quips 🙈

This is Passive aggressive behaviour

He can't talk directly about issues so he targets others with nasty digs to offload his anger -probably nothing to do with you

Stop reacting,use a neutral deflating statement to avoid getting drawn in an stop offering g Him solutions-he doesn't want them

Jolly good
More tea ?
Lovely day

Avoid telling him very much -he is using your charity work to have a nasty dig, keep it neutral and move the conversation on

Him "nasty dig"
You oh I forgot did you see we have a new Pope, the cat is pregnant, the neighbour broke her leg

Endofyear · 10/05/2025 09:07

OrangeChips1 · 10/05/2025 08:53

Yeh I think that's the problem...I end up stewing and wanting him to be happy with me

Show quote history

Yes that is the problem OP - you want him to be happy with you but in reality you have no control over how he behaves/how he feels. He could choose to put aside your differences and enjoy being with you, but he chooses to have digs at you while not really wanting to discuss the issues. All you have control over is how you respond to this. You can either call him out on it 'Dad, stops with the digs - if you've got something to say, say it' or you can ignore them. You can also keep visits short and limit the time spent with him to make it more manageable.