Don't know how to handle my dad

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My dad is obviously unhappy about things me / my generation have done and his way of dealing with it is to make sarcastic little quips every now and again which I find really irritating.
I've tried the "ah, you're obviously upset about something, I'm happy to talk about it", and he's just laughed and said "where do I start?!"
To which I've said "I dunno, just mention one thing and let's see how we go" and he's said "well, you wouldn't understand" and shut down.

He's probably right, one of the things he holds against a sibling is having a partner from a different culture. Or against another sibling is taking a job abroad instead of working in the family business. So whatever he's holding against me, I'm guessing it's something I just wouldn't see as wrong.

His generation never questioned their parents so just the very fact I'm questioning the sarcastic quips is probably confusing in itself for him.

The thing is I don't get it...if he doesn't want to talk about what's bothering him why make little quips 🙈

Anyway, I don't know how to handle this. Do I
a) develop a thicker skin... realistically he'll be around for around 10 more years or less, let him deal with whatever he's upset about how he wants to and ignore his quips (AIBU)

b) every time he makes a sarcastic quip just observe "ah, something really hurt you" so that he either talks about it or gets uncomfortable enough not to bring it up again (?!) (AINBU)

c) something else ...ideas welcome!

Every generation thinks the one below them is doing everything wrong. There was an interesting article in the Guardian recently about how Gen X think the millenniums did everything wrong.

Maybe ask your dad what his parents thought of his own generation.

He is being passive aggressive.

He wants to whinge and snipe and criticise, but he won't risk an actual discussion, because that might expose how weak and illogical his position is. Or it might mean he needs to participate in changing the situation he's moaning about, and he's not prepared to change anything - he just wants to complain about it.

If you have to spend time with him (and to be honest, all this would be making me spend as little time as possible with him), then I would go with the, "Ah, something really hurt you," or just, "Uh huh," followed by as long a silence as you like. He doesn't want honest communication or change. He just wants to jab at people.

Or maybe, "Oh, dear, you're upset about something again. I'd better go before I upset you any more." AND LEAVE. You don't need to hang around and be his punchbag.

But it sounds as though your therapist is right about NC. You cannot fix this. He doesn't want it fixed. He has it just how he likes it.

Doesn’t have long left in his 70s? He could go on for years!

You’re in the FOG, I fear, desperate for his approval. Was he a demanding but emotionally distant parent as you grew up? You shouldn’t care about his opinion, different generations have different ideas, like being appalled at the idea of same sex partnerships, different cultures inter-marrying, stuff that we see as totally normal.

He sounds resentful that you’re doing charity work rather than looking after your mum. Is he finding her care very difficult? Will he not take her to the doctor? I think that needs tackling, if possible, it seems to be a big hump to get over.

I really don't think Op should take responsibility for his behaviour by saying she has upset him.
Leave his behaviour with him

You know dad, I’d really like to try and understand so when you are ready, I’d love you to say more. Repeat. Repeat.

This is a thing only he can change, and maybe at the moment he is getting something he needs. What you can change is how you react.

Yeah, that's true. I was just trying to link his nasty behaviour with the fact that she's leaving. There are much better ways of doing that, though, like just calling it out directly (if the OP is ready to do that).

Overall I actually think that NC is a better option all round.

When my DM started moaning and complaining about all kinds of stuff, eventually, I just started saying 'what do you want me to do about it?' Whenever she said 'nothing', I just responded that I don't want to hear about it then. Eventually the level of moaning did go down.

How about Oh Dad you are an old cynic aren’t you and try to laugh with him?

When he laughs at you sarcastically he probably feels like a big man in control of the little bubble he lives in. He knows best. The laugh is like a punctuation mark to him, end of discussion. He doesn’t want to be challenged. He is not clever enough to explain himself.

His thoughts of you and your siblings and the world are not facts, they are just his thoughts. And they don’t have to mean anything to you.

Ah, well I would have to respond each time. "I helped already when I told her to phone the GP. GPs are the first place to get help with anxiety these days."

My dad is 93 and the same. He moans about everything in my generation (I am 60). I just ignore him when he makes comments. He hates anyone German, any one of colour, politicians etc. From my dad’s view, there’s nothing right with the world. it’s just their generation - completely different. If I commented back it would end in an almighty row!

Your example doesn't sound cryptic to me, it sounds more like a dig, and direct criticism of you.

In your shoes I would tell him very little about my life.
Eg 'what have you done this week, any news?'

You reply ' not really, been busy, but nothing in particular '

Which is not a little quip he's literally asking you for help in his own way and you're choosing to ignore him!

Asking her to help her mother rather than helping other people isn't having a nasty dig it's asking for help!

What on earth is OP supposed to do about her mother's mental health issues??

I’d have to say to him he can either discuss with you what his problem is or he needs to stop with the remarks.

Or do it right back and be like men your age… people your age….

Stop talking and make eye contact with him. Hold the eye contact and the silence for an uncomfortable pause. Sigh audibly and then resume your conversation as if nothing happened

You can't change him or his opinions. There's no point in the discussion or argument. Don't justify yourself because you don't need to. But you can make it clear to yourself, him and anyone else who's there that you not kowtowing to his opinions

Unfortunately, as we’re seeing with the current political climate at the moment, some people just cannot tolerate that other people are different from them.

it’s a him problem, leave him to it. You don’t have to justify your life choices. I can’t wait to see what choices my daughter will make, and we’ll support her decisions whether they’re what we did or not. Progression is a good thing, it’s evolution.

Just ignore him. He’s obviously struggling with it in his own head but that doesn’t mean you have to struggle by extension.

I think he sounds jealous and resentful of people who were prepared to live their lives on their own terms. But knows he can’t say it out loud.

Maybe you could buy “A dummies guide to quitting your passive aggressive behaviour” for his birthday.

Of course!
I'm 69 and I was always challenging my mother's opinions about various things.
We still got on really well, though.

I don't think it's too do with your dad's generation. I think it's just him.

How old is he?

Do you say in what way do I not help the family? Is there something in the past that you did or didn't do that he's still angry about.

I would say there are two effective options when he makes a dig at you:

• Ignore, as in just act as if he's not said anything at all

• Agree. Big smile and say 'Yes, that's right!' He wants an argument and a reason to complain at greater length. Agreeing takes the wind out of that. You know it's not true, but it removes his enjoyable opportunity to correct you if you just agree.

As with the mental health problems, I'm betting there's a hefty dose of sexism in all this, ie that's things that women are 'better' at dealing with. But what's most important is not playing along and giving the reaction he wants. The 'you wouldn't understand / where do I start?' is also part of this (allows him to show he's irritated without justifying it) so don't enable it.

well evidently he is never going to be.....maybe if you accept that you won't be so bothered?