Don't know how to handle my dad

[OrangeChips1]

My dad is obviously unhappy about things me / my generation have done and his way of dealing with it is to make sarcastic little quips every now and again which I find really irritating.
I've tried the "ah, you're obviously upset about something, I'm happy to talk about it", and he's just laughed and said "where do I start?!"
To which I've said "I dunno, just mention one thing and let's see how we go" and he's said "well, you wouldn't understand" and shut down.

He's probably right, one of the things he holds against a sibling is having a partner from a different culture. Or against another sibling is taking a job abroad instead of working in the family business. So whatever he's holding against me, I'm guessing it's something I just wouldn't see as wrong.

His generation never questioned their parents so just the very fact I'm questioning the sarcastic quips is probably confusing in itself for him.

The thing is I don't get it...if he doesn't want to talk about what's bothering him why make little quips 🙈

Anyway, I don't know how to handle this. Do I
a) develop a thicker skin... realistically he'll be around for around 10 more years or less, let him deal with whatever he's upset about how he wants to and ignore his quips (AIBU)

b) every time he makes a sarcastic quip just observe "ah, something really hurt you" so that he either talks about it or gets uncomfortable enough not to bring it up again (?!) (AINBU)

c) something else ...ideas welcome!

Treat him the same way you do a toddler, point out the window and say ‘oooooh squirrel!’, distraction is key and whatever his beef is it’s probably dull as ditchwater.

When he says "she'll help the whole world but not her family", could you ask: "are you saying I don't help my family"?
Basically repeating back can expose the absurdity of his statement.
However I suspect it's as others have said and he just wants a moan, in which case do protect your joy from his negativity.

Yeh this is the issue. I guess I find it sad as I feel hard to feel close to someone who isn't willing to either put differences aside or talk about them properly so it's like we're just existing in the same space because of the father /daughter label

Yeh that's a good point!

My Dad was similar, I gave up and just ignored him. However I later found out d out he moaned at my mum about everything so she knew what he was mad about (not inviting him on a holiday, not having him over all the time, not inviting him to go out with friends …. You get the gist, he wasn’t great company!).

Is your mum around to ask?

I think he thinks the sun shone out of his backside 🤣
But on a serious note, I've got a feeling he put a lot of his own wants/needs aside but I'll never know.

Yes, set a high bar but very difficult to talk to about the serious stuff.
Mum would be sorted if she was willing to find a good therapist, but gasp "we" (our culture) don't do that

Love this!

"big man in control of the little bubble he lives in" is exactly it.

Hahaha!

Mum doesn't handle her emotions very well and I've been the person she pours them all into since I was "old enough" (ie far too young but could understand English?)
I put a stop to it in my 20s when she did stuff like call me at work, in an open plan office, to vent - I was too scared to put the phone down in case she harmed herself, or me, so just had to listen. Or when I realised I didn't tell her stuff like I had a MC because it would just trigger her to talk about HER losses and how upset she was that she wasn't a grandma yet rather than actually hold space for me, and how messed up that was.
I told them both that the problems she was sharing with me were not things I was capable of dealing with but that a good therapist, which I'd be happy to help find and pay for, would help with tools for emotional regulation. But neither of them went for it as they're scared a therapist will pull down the house they've built on rocky foundations from under them, they just want me to be the "kind listening ear" I once was so that she can have an outlet.
He's been upset about it ever since.
The "charity work" I do is like putting a plaster on a graze, in a team, and helping her is like trying to stem multiple wounds while she's running away, all alone, but he doesn't see the difference.

Yeh I think this is the key. It feels like we're just holding on to our relationship because of the label then, which is sad, but maybe some of my work is accepting that.

She is, but is quite hard to communicate with herself 🙈

Thanks all who have suggested distraction tactics or confronting without attachment..it's been really helpful to have stock phrases to practice and I'm soaking them up!

@OrangeChips1

I'm of your dad's generation and my advice is to ignore him. I'd advise absolute silence and an immediate change of the subject to something neutral or having nothing to do with you or the family.

Dad:"She'll help the whole world but not her family"
You: <Silence for 3 seconds> "Oh hey, did you hear about the new building going up downtown/how did your footy team do/would you like a cuppa?"

He may start complaining about the subject you 'introduced' but at least it's something that isn't 'personal'.

If he wanted to explain/expound upon his grievances he'd do so. There's nothing about my generation that says we all 'suffer in silence'. If he's doing that then it's a deliberate choice. He gets more out of knowing that you're stewing over his 'quips' than he'd ever get by sitting down and telling you what's bothering him.

If you ignore him long enough, he may not stop completely, but the frequency will decrease.

But honestly, this isn't a generational thing. Plenty of people of all ages love nothing better than that leading 'quip' or comment intended to get attention.

Stop excusing it as a generational thing. He’s an arsehole. Tell to stop being an arsehole. If he has nothing nice to say say nothing at all, but you don’t want to hear anymore of his sarcastic comments.

Yes, accepting what you can't change is very hard and it's ok to feel sad that you don't have the relationship with your dad that you wish you had. But accepting and deciding what you're willing to deal with, even if it means limiting contact, can be freeing in a way too. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Leave a few secs of silence. Then say, oops is that the time, I better be off. Hop up and go, all smiley and friendly. He will eventually internalise that the gibes are a bad idea if he wants you to stay around, and I imagine he very much does want that.

Your poor mum. Can he not see how awful this is for her and how it might relieve the pressure on him (and you!) were she to have therapy?

The way he deals with her is quite gruff, so I think he's worried that before they even get to the core wounding she's got, she'd be told to bin him 😅
He hasn't said the above of course...but he has said that sometimes when you lift the lid off something it can get worse instead of better and he's worried she'd be even harder to look after.

Try take it from a point of view where you feel sorry for him. He was never listened to as a child so never learnt to name or understand his feelings. His coping mechanism when unsure or uncertain or feeling silly was to make a joke or make fun or someone else. It is a strategy that has probably served him well for 50+ years and only in the last few years will it have not landed. He doesnt get it. Try to not take it personally, i suspect he is unlikely to change so maybe there is an argument for accepting this. Challenging when needs be and if he clamps down that is fine - he understands the jokes arent landing but don’t hold resentment. He won’t be here for ever and when he has gone you will be more aware of all the things he has done for you over the decades and what type of life he had to endure. Not to be dismissive of how frustrating it must be in the here and now.