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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh not centre of attention

90 replies

Boredofitall1984 · 09/05/2025 20:13

Dh is gettibg overly frustrated that he is centre of attention all the time. Or rather that he doesn't get enough attention and it's literally draining me

We both work full time. I wfh 2/3 days a week, he's in the office 5 days but finishes at 2pm everyday.

The days I wfh if I don't come and say hello and then bring the laptop out to come and work in the living room with him he moans I don't want to spend time with him (I work until 9am-5pm) as I do school/nursery drop offs.

He moans that when he comes home he has to cook dinner. Again he finishes at 2pm and likes to eat at 530-6 so he usually does dinner. He says I should prep dinner during the day (while working) so all he has to do is turn it on

He moans that I don't do enough housework during the day and he then has to hoover either when he gets home or at the weekend. But then moans about how badly I hoover (ie not up to his impeccable standards) so why should I bother.

He'll moan I work too much (my job is full on so quite consuming) and if I dare to answer a few emails after the kids in bed rather than cuddle up to him or other stuff that I'm prioritising work etc. However he will often have to pop into work at the weekend to pick up paperwork and I'm not allowed to say anything. He also has weeks where he is on call so he cannot do anything so all school pick ups, clubs etc fall to me as he can't leave his phone

For reference I empty the dishwasher every morning, do all the washing (loading machine, emptying, hanging out and putting away) sort all the kids school and nursery admin etc yet I'm the one who apparently doesn't do enough for him

I'm so drained

OP posts:

Original poster

Boredofitall1984 · 09/05/2025 20:38

He seems to have got worse lately. He used to work shifts (earlies/lates/nights etc) so naturally things fell to me a lot more and I guess I just never realised how much

He does think my job is not important as his. He has made comments before about how all i do all day is move a mouse around a screen and answer emails (it's far more intense than that!) And he cannot understand that my job involves sitting on teams calls a lot and as I deal with confidential information quite often I need a space to work in away from others

OP posts:

Away2000 · 09/05/2025 20:40

It makes no sense that the person still working should be prepping dinner when the other has been finished with work for hours. I’d set clear boundaries that you are not hanging out with him or doing housework during your working hours. Personally I’d also ask him to start doing nursery/school pickups so that task is shared. Surely when he’s on call he doesn’t just sit by the phone doing nothing?

Gogo509 · 09/05/2025 20:41

You already know what you need to do.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2025 20:42

Stop making him lunches

Your job is equally important as his and you work longer hours than him, stop doing anything for him, breakfast, lunches, dinners, washing, anything that benefits him and him alone stop it.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 09/05/2025 20:43

He sounds exhausting.

OfficerChurlish · 09/05/2025 20:44

The days I wfh if I don't come and say hello and then bring the laptop out to come and work in the living room with him he moans I don't want to spend time with him...

Big NO to this!! You're WORKING; it just happens to be from home. If he reliably gets home at 2 every day, it might be nice if you plan to take a quick break around this time or a little later to say hi, hear each other's news highlights of the day so far, maybe have a cup of tea or a snack - whatever works for your work schedule. Do NOT take your laptop out with you, and be clear that you have, say, 20 minutes and then are due back to work. If you worked in a trad office there's be no question that HIBU if he arrived every afternoon demanding you sit with him while you work. This is no different except that you're close enough to go "home" for a quick break.

IF the two of you had split up the household work equitably and you've agreed to do the cooking and the hoovering, than I'd understand why he's upset if he routinely has to do it. It's practical for him to handle dinner given each of your time constraints. It sounds like you feel that YOU do much more overall, and he feels that HE does, so either or both of you may be unrealistic about what the other is doing. Can you get together and reshuffle responsibilities so they make more sense? A detailed comparison of who does what when and how long it takes is needed, but not accusing/tit for tat, just a constructive process to split up all the shared responsibilities fairly - from scratch if necessary.

Can he explain why he seems to feel that his time is more important than yours? Same with your follow-up re his assuming it's YOUR fault if the children are messy - that only makes sense of they're your children and not his, but even then - when it's his turn to tidy the house, he picks up the toys if needed.

I can't completely tell if the two of you are just on very different pages about who's doing what around the house and for the children and can't communicate about it, or if he's suffering from selfishness, main character energy, and/or extreme misogyny. But whatever he might feel that YOU are doing or not doing, HE is being a colossal arse. Stop putting up with nonsense that makes you miserable - starting with the "not allowed to say anything" bit.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 09/05/2025 20:45

Boredofitall1984 · 09/05/2025 20:38

He seems to have got worse lately. He used to work shifts (earlies/lates/nights etc) so naturally things fell to me a lot more and I guess I just never realised how much

He's belittling you because he's superior. His time is more important and his job is more important. You are there to support his needs: take care of his children, his needs and keep him company.

He's delightful.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2025 20:46

We need a human sized cannon, just stick these guys in it and aim for the sun.

Gogo509 · 09/05/2025 20:48

TomatoSandwiches · 09/05/2025 20:46

We need a human sized cannon, just stick these guys in it and aim for the sun.

Omg if only.

TheNinny · 09/05/2025 20:49

fuck making that lazy ass lunch

VexedofVirginiaWater · 09/05/2025 20:51

This phrase you've used a couple of times now - "I'm not allowed to say anything" - WTF? Who says you aren't allowed to do or say things? Who made him the boss? What happens if you do say something? He gets annoyed? Well, he sounds pretty annoyed anyway. TBH he sounds utterly horrible and I don't know how anyone can be attracted to such a spoilt, demanding baby.

FreebieWallopFridge · 09/05/2025 20:52

Ah, another arsehole variety man.

You know you’re not being unreasonable. He needs to grow up.

Iloveacurry · 09/05/2025 20:53

Suggest to him that you give up work so you can be at his beck and call!

Llttledrummergirl · 09/05/2025 20:55

He's a twat. My dh finishes at 3, I work from home until 5.30. Dh will put washing in before he goes to work, I'll do the dishwasher in my lunch and another load of washing. Dh will empty it and potter around the house while I'm working. He also cooks dinner for when I finish.

Other than a quick kiss and chat about our days when he gets home, he leaves me alone at my work station to, you know, do the job I'm being paid to do. He also brings me tea.

If he insisted I put the integrity of my job aside to sit with him while he gamed, I'd think he was deranged.

Is he really your person?

DinaofCloud9 · 09/05/2025 20:55

Have you asked him why he's allowed to answer emails but you aren't?

I'd love to hear his pathetic excuses.

CremeBruhlee · 09/05/2025 21:08

At my workplace (I manage a large team of mainly women) we don’t want to push ‘back into the office’ but we are having to do training around ‘work hygiene for working from home’ because so many of our employees are citing stress when volume of work has not gone up. When we have investigated this in every case it has been women being expected to take on more responsibility while also expecting to work. The work getting done and productivity is the same but women are juggling childcare, elderly relatives, dogs and more often than not very needy partners and husbands. I tell my husband that my lunch is to eat/stare into space and wind down from a morning at work. It sounds mean but being ‘on’ over lunch does build my stress levels or stops them from coming down. The fact we are having by to give training to empower our staff to assert their boundaries regarding mental health is ridiculous really. We are literally trying to find ways to ‘allow’ women to take time back for themselves that has been eroded since Covid

Satisfiedkitty · 09/05/2025 21:14

I had one of these. Note the past tense.

I tried everything to explain it to him, keep him calm, take everything on to stop him moaning and sulking. Had a breakdown. Ended the marriage. One million times happier now.

It's a pattern, I'm afraid, and you can't win unless you put very strong boundaries in place, or just leave him.

LimitedBrightSpots · 09/05/2025 21:17

He needs to do more of the housework and childcare.

Tell him that he'll know he's doing his fair share when he's glad to sit down and have a few minutes to himself rather than mithering you for attention.

In the meantime, if he moans, hand him a cloth or the hoover and give him something to clean.

Gogo509 · 09/05/2025 21:24

Satisfiedkitty · 09/05/2025 21:14

I had one of these. Note the past tense.

I tried everything to explain it to him, keep him calm, take everything on to stop him moaning and sulking. Had a breakdown. Ended the marriage. One million times happier now.

It's a pattern, I'm afraid, and you can't win unless you put very strong boundaries in place, or just leave him.

Me too, I worked two jobs for years so I could pick the children up from school and make his tea. Then he gave up his job and said he would sit on his arse all day like I did. He's now my ex.

ItGhoul · 09/05/2025 21:27

He sounds like a clingy, controlling, obnoxious, lazy egomaniac prick. Ugh.

Happyhettie · 09/05/2025 21:28

What a twit (or an alternative vowel can be used). What is it with so many men thinking the job (paid employment I mean) their partner / wife / girlfriend has is “less worthy” than theirs? And that’s before you even think about the domestic chores etc. He’s a moron.

yeesh · 09/05/2025 21:33

Why the fuck are you wasting your life with this lazy, sexist whinging prick? I couldn’t even look at him

TheHerboriste · 09/05/2025 21:43

Why was he selected as the sperm donor?

TheHerboriste · 09/05/2025 21:43

Why was he selected as the sperm donor?

FinallyHere · 09/05/2025 21:44

I’ve only read the OP and strongly discourage you from changing what you do because someone moans about it. Imagine what would happen with your children if you let them get away with that.

Dont let him control you like that. It might be tough but it will only get much much worse.

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