School dad

[Aworldofwonder]

Right I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

DD is 7, in school with a small class. We have gotten to know all the parents fairly well including of one of her friends say Molly.

Molly's dad is very very handsome. This is just a fact, obvious to women and men. My own DH has also commented on it and He's also very charming. He talks fitness a lot to my DH.

A while ago he walked up behind me and complimented me on how I'm looking. It was quietly. He asked me if I've lost a lot of weight. I acknowledged that I had and said we are on a health kick at home and training for an event. He said he really likes to see people improve themselves. I was a little irked and thought mind your own business. I came home and mentioned it to DH later. He actually looked pleased.

Shortly afterwards he was walking by and trailed his hand on my bare shoulder saying ciao. I again mentioned it to DH who shrugged and said he's Italian, they are tactile.

At a kids' party last week he came to sit beside me on the couch. It was at a venue where you could leave them so I'd gone for a quick run. He asked me how it's going. Then he did something so subtle I feel silly explaining it; he had his arm resting on the couch and let his fingers trail the back of my neck and slightly lower just above my top. It was a bit longer than a brush of the skin, definitely not an accident. I turned around to say something and he sort of leaned in, smiled, trailed his fingers under my hair and then stood up and walked off. Before anyone jumps in asking why I didn't tellhin to FRO I was speechless.

It sounds like nothing I know. But it wasn't nothing.

And I'm furious. I'm furious because he's clearly so entitled, so used to women loving attention from him, so comfortable flirting in front of his wife, so subtle yet insidious. And I'm furious with my DH who obviously thinks it's ok because we'll I don't know, maybe because it's a compliment.

Anyway

Yabu : you're being ridiculous, just keep your distance and stop being a drama llama
Yanbu : fuck these men thinking they can act how they want

He's a creep. Thinks he can get away with it because he is good looking. His poor wife.
Yuk.

Your husband is entirely ok, even flattered by the fact a really good looking guy put his hands on you? 🤨

Her husband doesn’t need to respond with ‘toxic male ownership’ and ‘aggression’ but he shouldn’t be almost impressed that his wife has pulled because it’s an attractive man FFS. When it’s happened to me, my partner has been disgusted and has said that the men are creeps, he has never been impressed, treated it as a compliment and minimised sexual harassment. One of the men that did this to me was actually a school dad. My partner made sure I felt comfortable to still do the school run and was very cool with him when he did bump into him.

Male POV: he's 100% trying it on.

That's not just a little bit of friendly flirting. And tbh if he knows he's that handsome he's confident he can get a married women to cheat with him by acting like that - which frankly is creep af.

I didn't tell DH about the last incident. Truth be told I felt upset at the prospet that I would need to convince him after he was so dismissive of the dad coming up and commenting on my 'improving myself'.

I bet his tactic works often enough for him to try on it every woman when the opportunity occurs.

There will be some school mums who are shitty relationships that would lap up that attention and get themselves into all sorts of trouble.

I know of one school dad, an ex of a friend, who simply played the numbers game with mums until he hit on one at the right time in the right situation, and got what he was after. He wasn't movie star handsome either.

Male point of view. 🙄 We don’t need men to mansplain and tell us what’s going on here. Women deal with this shit all the fucking time.

I think you’re right, he is probably so used to people fawning over him that he’s decided it’s impossible for someone not to welcome his advances. Maybe he’s particularly drawn to you because he knows you’re so not easily impressed. Now you’ve clocked it I think if it happens again I would definitely say something like ‘have you heard of personal space.’

It’s also very weird that your husband is somehow flattered by this. If it was a less handsome school dad I doubt he’d be so cheerful about it. Just shows how shallow people are when it comes to good looks and charisma.

Men who are handsome and charming can become so used to attention that they assume that their attentions are welcome to any women they choose to favour.

They need to know that’s not the case and that they are sexually harassing women who have no interest in them.

I would say that, in general, Italians are certainly more tactile than British people, and putting a hand on your shoulder when saying goodbye is definitely a thing that some of the Italian people I know might do - but it would be a friendly pat and a little squeeze, not 'trailing' a hand over bare skin! And the business with his hand on the back of your neck - absolutely not normal tactile Italian behaviour. He's a sleaze.

I get the being amused bit being a bit minimisng and upsetting the improving myself comment is very off.

I just think for men in world of Alpha BS that real men who love and trust their partners dont need to be carring on like Mr Italian Stallion having little respect for their own partners or beating their chests in defense of their pride. Those guys are actually a bit sad.

Your DH sounds nice and thinks you've still got it x

I had a school Dad touch the top of my arm in more of a stroke and it took me by surprise and was so quick I didn't say anything at the time. About a week later in full view of everyone in the playground he cupped my cheek but this time I was ready, backed off over dramatically and told him not to touch me again. It was awful. Luckily I was stood with another Dad and a Mum but it looked over familiar to everyone who could see it.

I would tell your school Dad before it happens again not to touch you. Don't wait for another time.

Where’s his wife? I’d ask her to tell him that such tactile behaviour isn’t appreciated.

Next time - LOUDLY "Don't touch me please".

It sounds to me as though your husband thinks you're 'flattering yourself', and he's not worried as he thinks the guy is too handsome to make a play for you.

Insulting and dickish.

She's not responsible for his behaviour.

He's the one with wandering hands, so he's the one who needs to be told.

That’s not the reason for telling her.

A man with an overinflated ego, who is most likely used to women falling at his feet, lapping up any attention he offers. He clearly finds you attractive, he wouldn't be doing this if he didn't. He's testing the waters: the compliment first, then a feather touch that was barely there and now a touch that's more obvious. Most women wouldn't be offended by a compliment, so you were unlikely to react negatively towards that. The feather touch, you didn't react badly or say anything (understandably you were surprised), so he's been bolder this time. I can absolutely guarantee he will come back again, simply because you didn't say anything the previous time. Of course you were shocked, and sometimes the brain goes blank and the body freezes. This is a man who is so arrogant, it's not entered his head that you would have been shocked, and that is behaviour is wrong. I don't believe he's doing these things to deliberately make you feel uncomfortable or to try and intimidate you - he's looking for an affair! In my mind it's that simple. He's very egotistical, self-centred and needs constant female attention. My guess is, this isn't the first time he's made a pass at a woman behind his wife's back and I suspect he's had numerous affairs. Avoid as much as you can. Be on your guard, and if he tries anything again, call him out on it.

Honestly this unpleasant thought is persistently reappearing in my brain.

There is another argument that for ages we would have said very warmly to each other "oh he's a VERY nice man / LOVELY guy". They are pretty friendly with each other.

It's crap that I am coming to Mumsnet but I don't really feel I can say anything to DH without getting annoyed at his reaction. I haven't had this experience before.

This is EXACTLY what my instincts are telling me.

Yet I feel like if I say something to DH he will respond "so what specifically has he done except comment on your weightloss (which loads of people have done to both of us) and pat your arm or something?"

I don’t think there is any need to be that dramatic!
Just firmly remove his hand from your person and give him a glare

So what would the reason be for telling her instead of him?

I'm just going to avoid him. I'm very friendly in general but it won't be hard to keep a distance.

He kind of sounds like a few men I have come across, some (although not all) extremely handsome too. Very grim and inappropriate behaviour.

I don't want to minimise your husbands response, but it at least shows he trusts you. He probably doesn't appreciate how unpleasant it is for you. Personally I would explain the most recent incident to him, which sounds like the most blatant to me. I would be very clear about how all the incidents make you feel and that you need to feel supported by him.

I don't think I have ever handled such men satisfactorily myself.

Just need to say, I accidentally clicked You ARE being unreasonable but you most definitely are NOT! Who the hell does he think he is, probably getting off on thinking you'll be enjoying his teasing 🤢 I'd be making sure I make it obvious to shun him when he comes near and you shouldn't have to, but I'd probably be making sure he can't creep up on me anymore. He sounds an utter nightmare.

There’s something very wrong with your husband/ in your relationship, if you are saying to him this is really making me uncomfortable and upsetting me and he refuses to take you seriously. That’s not right at all.