Partner promised we’d move not refusing

[ScarlettScott]

Ohh I’m in this situation now. Living away from my grown children and grandkids. This is my partners hometown. He’s not lived here from been 21 until moving back in 2019 aged 45 when leaving the army.
In 2023 my daughter had gone through domestic abuse literally every kind. I never knew even when visited this never occurred. When it all come out I went to help out with the children for a few months . Partner could see how much I missed the kids and we spoke whilst I was at my daughter and agreed 2026 was the move year. Im just reflecting and I do believe he only said about move 2026 to get me back. In the last couple of years he’s said won’t move until parents pass. He spends a hour a week with his parents so that’s not a be all and end all reason. He could come visit spend weekend with them have quality time. Not sell house down here and I need a £20k deposit before he will move. I earn a quarter of what he earns. Everything now seems to be on his terms.
He works 12-15 hour days said moving he could cut days and hours down as better job opportunity and pay. We’d get to enjoy work family life balance. Just Easter we visited my daughter was cooking Sunday toast and his words were this will be great when moved just getting together doing this. And then on way back home later that week told me won’t move. I’m stuck advice is needed so badly. I’m lonely and miserable here yet so happy when visiting family.

When it comes to couples who want to live in different places, the reality is one person needs to give up what they want, unless a compromise can be found in between the two places.

Either you stay there and accept you will be unhappy, or you move alone and see if you can make your relationship long distance.

Just move...
He won't agree to moving because it doesn't suit him. You are missing out on your family for a man who lies....
He doesn't care you are miserable.. Let me guess he is envious of the relationships you have with anyone but him?

Yes I know one gives up everything. It’s the promise of moving my children and grandchildren all know about the move. All excited then partner drops the bombshells it’s not fair

What a dick. Move without him.

How old are his parents? Are they in good or poor health?

How old are you Op? Are all your kids and grandkids in one location? How far away is it?

I wouldn't want to stay with someone who kept future-faking like this. How long have his parents got left - decades?

I wouldn't be staying indefinitely for any reason though. Start making plans for 2026 and he can join you if he wants.

This sounds like future faking (a term I’ve only learned due to MN!). I was in the same situation with an ex who said he wanted the same future, but when it came down to actions, he just didn’t. And he never would have done what he said he was going to do. I had a choice to make and I left.
I think you have a similar choice to make. Do you want to stay with someone who is lying and stringing you along? There will be more excuses over time because he just doesn’t want to move. If you do, you should move.
You’ll miss out on your family for someone who doesn’t care about your needs otherwise.

So jealous of my daughter and my relationship. We’ll be on video calls and he will carry on example you on phone again are you not bored of her. Even when we’ve been to visit I want to spend all my time with daughter and grandkids and he sulks because of it. I say it to him don’t bother coming with me but he does

Where do you think you'd be happier? Life is very short, do not waste it for someone else's preferences, or lack of decision making.

Focus on what would make you happy. If that's moving by yourself back to your family, try and do it. If staying with your dithering partner is making you happy, then stay where you are.

It's not as easy as just "move", but you are the master of your own fate, not your partner, not anyone else. Think about the happiness factor and make a plan.

I'd move. He can either have a long distance relationship with you or his parents; up to him which he wants.

47 and he’s 50. His mom is healthy his dad’s been poorly for around 25 years maybe bit more. This has never stopped my partner from living away from hometown though
Yes all my children/grandchildren one location 4-5 hours away

Is he your children’s father? If so I’m rather puzzled at him not wanting to be nearer them too.

I think you need to have a serious think about what you want and what would happen if you moved. He's clearly going to string you along by moving the goal posts so you need to make this decision without him. I note that you say "partner" not husband so that should be easier to do if that's what you want.

I note the difference in income between you two but it won't make any difference if he dies or leaves suddenly. You'll need to seek financial independence regardless.

A visit is very different to living close by. Are you close to your daughter? Is she keen for you to live nearer to her?

I am just asking because if you end your relationship and move to be near your daughter are you going to be reliant on her for most of your socialising? I personally couldn't cope with my mum popping over all the time but I know for other people that's entirely normal.

Sorry he's being a dick though, it's not nice to be navigating this.

Ohhhh OP he is never going to move.

And if he does he will spoil it all for you.

Fuck him, I retract my previous attempt to be balanced and fair, bin him off and enjoy your time with your family.

No he’s not. We’ve been together 10 years. Both got grown children. He sees his girls very rarely

That’s what I said to him after Easter when he said didn’t wasn’t moving

I’m going to move just need a little cash behind me then I’m gone

I honestly think you need to consider just moving without him. You have a close relationship with your children and grandchildren, go and enjoy it while the grandchildren are still young and at home. There’s obviously a lot I don’t know, but when you look ahead do you think there’s a chance you’ll end up doing the lion’s share of caring for his elderly parents for him, and then end up caring for him, all the while missing out on your own family?

Life is vvv short. What would make you happier living near your daughter and grandchildren alone or away from them but with your partner....

Life is too short to be unhappy

Do you own property together ?

How much savings do you have ?

Start making a plan to move closer to your family
Can you stay with your family ?

How far away does your family live ?

Good for you! I expect as soon as you say you’re moving he will suddenly change his mind again and agree to move with you. But there will be a reason why it can’t happen now, and then he’ll keep stringing you along. But only if you let him. If you want to keep the relationship you could always say he can come and join you later.

No I won’t be looking after his parents. Partner doesn’t do it either. They have nurses come in when required. They also have quite a lot of money so can afford any help required. My partner sees them for an hour once a week. It’s not like they are dependant on him. They are very much independent people.
I think it could be jealousy of how close I am to daughter and grandchildren. Partner literally has hardly any contact with his daughters. One is at uni 12 miles away and seen her twice since September. His other daughter lives N.I I can’t even remember last he saw her

long distance we’ve done it before. I think it would be a clean break though. I can’t go back and forth with the words from him I need the actions.

Do what you want to do. Id move on my own. If he chooses to see his parents 1 hour a week and rarely eally sees his kids thats his buisness. You want to be near your kids and be present in your kids and grandkids lives. Life is short. I've had several friends die young. Don't waste your time with your kids for a man that changes the goal posts.

So he insists on living in this town as his family are there, but he sees his parents one hour a week and is an absent father to his children? So basically he is full of BS and the entire point of this is to control you and damage your relationships with your own family. This is why he interrupts phone calls, this is why he ruins visits by sulking. I wouldn't tell him any of my plans so move back home, I would just let him find the house empty when he got home from work one evening. I would give him no chance to talk me out of returning to my family that cares about me. Best of luck OP, I hope you get back home soon.