Partner promised we’d move not refusing

[ScarlettScott]

Ohh I’m in this situation now. Living away from my grown children and grandkids. This is my partners hometown. He’s not lived here from been 21 until moving back in 2019 aged 45 when leaving the army.
In 2023 my daughter had gone through domestic abuse literally every kind. I never knew even when visited this never occurred. When it all come out I went to help out with the children for a few months . Partner could see how much I missed the kids and we spoke whilst I was at my daughter and agreed 2026 was the move year. Im just reflecting and I do believe he only said about move 2026 to get me back. In the last couple of years he’s said won’t move until parents pass. He spends a hour a week with his parents so that’s not a be all and end all reason. He could come visit spend weekend with them have quality time. Not sell house down here and I need a £20k deposit before he will move. I earn a quarter of what he earns. Everything now seems to be on his terms.
He works 12-15 hour days said moving he could cut days and hours down as better job opportunity and pay. We’d get to enjoy work family life balance. Just Easter we visited my daughter was cooking Sunday toast and his words were this will be great when moved just getting together doing this. And then on way back home later that week told me won’t move. I’m stuck advice is needed so badly. I’m lonely and miserable here yet so happy when visiting family.

Hmmm...Wealthy parents, you say. The cynic within me suspects he is actually babysitting his future inheritance. Is his dad's condition getting worse, I wonder. Seems like a selfish man. Has had you paying for his house with nothing to show for it yourself. He's used you. I don't like the sound of him at all.

I can't see a single redeeming feature in him. Just go and live the life you want for God's sake!

I've put yabu because you're blaming him. He's told you he doesn't want to move, so the ball's in your court, get applying for jobs, look at where you can live..
.

God life is too short for this shit. Don’t pass up precious time with your children and grandchildren for this man who clearly doesn’t care about your feelings.

If you stay with him and things don’t work out you’ll look back and massively regret all the years you could have been with your family.

Even if it means you have to tighten your budget, downgrade your housing situation just do it.

@ScarlettScott

Why do you pay 'all the bills'? Does he pay nothing at all? Or do you mean he pays the mortgage and you pay the monthly costs?

I'd be out of there like a shot and back near my family as soon as I possibly could. Would you save more and save it sooner if you split the bills including the mortgage? You'd pay your half of the mortgage as 'rent' plus half the monthly costs. You'd have to figure the maths.

@AcrossthePond55
I pay 3/4 of the bills he pays the mortgage. I offered to pay half mortgage in the beginning and he said no

@Pinkishcherryblossoms yes his dad is getting worse I can’t see it been long before he pass’s. Partner is very money orientated. Always brags about his savings his earnings. He can put away 2k a month in savings and not even miss it. House is all payed off.

Do you have any claim on the house?

honestly I’d move as long as your kids want you to be that close

he can come or not

You said "House is all payed (sic) off" in the post after your reply to me. So you're paying 3/4 of the household costs and he's paying 1/4 and that's it? That's just wrong and needs to be changed. He should be paying at least 1/2 the household costs thus enabling you to save more.

Does he have any idea that you're seriously contemplating moving without him? At this point I'd keep quiet about it. He's got a pretty sweet deal and he knows it. You paying the lion's share of the household and probably doing the lion's share of the housework. No wonder he's lying through his teeth about moving! He has a 'housekeeper' who is paying him for the privilege! If he's so money orientated, he's seeing that he'll have to pay more if you leave. AND will have to do all his own housework to boot.

Have you told your family that you want to move and that he's now said flat out 'no way'? Because you should. Maybe they could help you get out sooner.

@AcrossthePond55 I’ve told him I’m not willing to budge on not moving. We agreed the year and he can’t just start putting conditions on it and change the timescale. My family know the move is happening 2026 my grandkids constantly talk about me living near them and how they can see me all time. My daughter has told me to move up to hers asap. She’s pregnant with 3rd child and I just think it’ll be too hectic to move at moment.
Ive stopped all the cleaning washing cooking just do what I have to

So if the house is paid off there is no mortgage to be paid. Therefore you are paying more each month him, and essentially subsidising him. If you’re not married you have no claim to anything, he’ll make very sure of that I’m sure. He can leave you penniless at any moment. After ten years he’s not a partner at all, he’s a landlord at best, and master at worst.

Your daughter wants you to move in with her asap, so what’s holding you back?
I would be packed up and there this weekend, if it was me.
Get away from this man, he’s fleecing you while saving two grand a month.
You can live with your daughter till you get a job, then get your own place and start living your own life with the family around who love you…..

The thing is that actually, he 'can'. He can put any conditions he wants on it, can change the timescale, can even decide he's not moving. Because 'can' means 'having the ability to do a certain thing'. As a person, he's entitled to live where he wants. As are you.

He shouldn't change horses in midstream, of course, because he previously said he would move. But that doesn't mean he 'can't' or that he won't do just that. This is why YOU need to be prepared financially and 'plans-wise' to move on your own.

If you want my opinion he's going to keep stonewalling and eventually he'll just say "No, I'm not moving". And you will have lost out just that much more time with your children & grandchildren.

Frankly, if my child was telling me to just come now, I'd go. I assume your DD understands what involved in the move and feels that she's up to it. If your DP decides he wants to follow, so be it. But IMHO, he won't.

Being very blunt here, and not sorry for that, but is having a partner in your life far more important to you than your own family and your happiness?

Seems like it to me. Many women are afraid of being "uncoupled" and single again, which is normal I suppose, but not at the expense of family or quality of life, IMV.

I see it all the time here. Women stay with obnoxious men and don't put their own happiness and that of their families first.

Take a long hard look at yourself OP, and ask yourself WHY you are staying on until 2026? I don't understand it myself, but I'd be interested to know what reasons are advantageous to YOU for remaining, not him.

I think an easy way to do this is say you are going for a month to help daughter. And see how you get on. And also he will see that he doesn’t get his way all the time. Good luck op x