Partner promised we’d move not refusing

[ScarlettScott]

Ohh I’m in this situation now. Living away from my grown children and grandkids. This is my partners hometown. He’s not lived here from been 21 until moving back in 2019 aged 45 when leaving the army.
In 2023 my daughter had gone through domestic abuse literally every kind. I never knew even when visited this never occurred. When it all come out I went to help out with the children for a few months . Partner could see how much I missed the kids and we spoke whilst I was at my daughter and agreed 2026 was the move year. Im just reflecting and I do believe he only said about move 2026 to get me back. In the last couple of years he’s said won’t move until parents pass. He spends a hour a week with his parents so that’s not a be all and end all reason. He could come visit spend weekend with them have quality time. Not sell house down here and I need a £20k deposit before he will move. I earn a quarter of what he earns. Everything now seems to be on his terms.
He works 12-15 hour days said moving he could cut days and hours down as better job opportunity and pay. We’d get to enjoy work family life balance. Just Easter we visited my daughter was cooking Sunday toast and his words were this will be great when moved just getting together doing this. And then on way back home later that week told me won’t move. I’m stuck advice is needed so badly. I’m lonely and miserable here yet so happy when visiting family.

So true. I’m so miserable and lonely here. It’s a good job I’ve a dog to cheer me up

No don’t own the property he wouldn’t put me on mortgage yet I pay the bills.
enough savings to start a month of living alone. I’m going to save as much as possible. Yes I could stay with my daughter she’d have me there forever. Family is four hours away

You seem to be very unhappy living such a distance from your family, just to be with this man.
I know what my choice would be.
Go! Leave now! Go to your daughter’s house and leave this controlling, jealous person who is ruin in your life.
Pack and leave today.

His parents would come first even over his children. He’s said it before in front of his grown daughter and myself

I agree with what everyone else has said!

Just move on your own.

I’m sure he will declare he’s happy to move when you start putting steps into action, but it will be another delaying tactic.

I agree with PP’s that he’s jealous of your close relationship with your children, as he doesn’t have this with his own. Don’t let him hold you back from moving if that’s what you really want.

It might be worth looking intonthe legal situation regarding the money you have put in to his house - I expect other people on here know a lot more than me though.

Definitely save like mad, and start job hunting near family (I think this will probably also help with finding a flat to rent)

But you are right he is not remotely interested in supporting you to be anything other than his handmaiden. F*ck that.

Totally agree with you on this

This. He really shouldn't have promised if he didn't mean it.

You are wasting your life because you will move eventually, and it sounds like your daughter needs you badly now. I'd move without him.

I was kidna understanding towards him earlier. Cause the thought of moving is easier than actually moving. But him being jealous of your relationship with your children and always tagging along even of he is gonna sulk, just makes him a twat.

There is nothing saying that couples need to live together. If you want to live in different places and continue the relationship, you can meet up for weekends and holidays. I've been in LDR due to circumstances and it is fine.

We did LD for 5 years. The plan was always move back to my hometown once we’d lived at his. It’s the only reason I agreed to move. Sadly his word means nothing

Even if he did agree to move with you I would move alone. He will do nothing but try and make your relationship with your kids difficult if he's there. I doubt your kids even like the man. You need to get away from him and focus on the people who actually loves you and want good things for you. He is not one of them.

@ScarlettScott what was his reason for moving back in 2019??

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld Was just retiring from army and wanted to live in hometown for a few years. He thought he’d be able to rekindle relationships with family and friends. This has never happened.

Right. The more you right about this man, the more he sounds like shit.

He’s a shit father and a shit, lying husband. He’s jealous of your relationship with your daughter and tries to actively shame and mock you for being close, he’s trying to interfere in it and he’s deliberately goading you and getting your hopes up to break you down further.

This man is no good at all.

Leave and move without him.

I understand why he doesn’t want to move hours away from his elderly parents tbh.

Move in with your daughter and share the bills and help out with childcare.

Put some money away to save and then in the future move into your own place close by.

You can still do LD with him if you want to but you may both decide that you don’t want that but you need to move regardless.

I think its worse for you to miss your daughter and grandchildren than it is for him to miss his parents who he doesn't seem fussed about.

@ScarlettScott

Move in with your daughter, don't pay the bills at his and save your money to accumulate a wee nest egg?

eta; oops! see Cucy · Today 13:40 has already made this suggestion.
Great compromise for you though @ScarlettScott

If your daughter would genuinely be happy for you to stay with her i think you should seriously consider it. Not permanently, just to help you relocate initially. It is much much easier to be searching for a job and a home in an area if you are actually living in the area. Having to do an eight hour round trip to view potential accommodation is a nightmare and could easily lead to you making a decision in a rush that you end up regretting. Being in the area, doing things to meet local people, maybe do the school run for your grandkids if that’s a thing that’s neeeded, will all help you get established and make connections. Not everyone rents through estate agents, word of mouth within a community can get you a much better arrangement. Just get yourself to the right place and start building your life there, and it will be easier to sort out the details once you’re there.

Do you have much physical stuff to move? Can you just load up your car and go?

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine
all you said is possible.
Don’t have anything but clothes and bits. I don’t drive so would need to hire a van and driver. It is easy enough to do

Also consider housing association and council retirement properties where you need to be 55yrs or older to be considered. I don't know much about the finer details but worth exploring if it helps you to be where you want.

This is starting to sound like the beginning of a plan. I wish you all the luck in the world. You only get one life, don’t waste time on someone who has made it clear you are not a priority and who lies to you. Go and be with the people you love and who love you back. Go and cuddle your grandchildren while you can.

OP is 47 though.

Don't waste your life in a place you aren't happy, and with a man who wants your entire focus on him, rather than your family. He will never move, because he wants you all to himself. He's not willing to share you with your children and grandchildren, and even when you visit sulks like a child because you're not giving him your undivided attention. Get rid of the man, and move closer to your family.

You need to go where you will be happy OP, and at the moment that is with the DD and GDCs.

I would just calmly announce that you have made your mind up, and it's up to him whether he wants to make it work or not. He's been calling the shots up to now, why shouldn't you do that for a change?