Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting ?

60 replies

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 18:59

So when I was pregnant , my partner had an EA with someone at his work. We managed to sort things out but along the way more things have cropped up as they still work together which is annoying.

anyway tonight is a team night out etc, I’m not controlling him, he said he wasn’t sure if he was going because said girl would be there. There in a group chat about this event which he left straight away as he didn’t want her to get his number. He has asked his friends all of them if this person is going tonight before buying his ticket (they all know what have happened) they have all confirmed 100% no she is not going , so he said he will go but if she does end up going he will come home as he don’t want to cause problems and out of respect for me.

Well he is there, and so is she. I’m pissed off cos all of his mates lied to him to get him there clearly and he is now saying he is not coming home or he’s wasted money and I should get over it.

Im so upset as not only has he lied, again he is there with the woman he was talking to behind my back for well over a year. They used to exchange pictures and have gone out on a day out before (without my knowledge) honestly they were catching feelings. It only stopped cos I found out.

An I being over the top and dramatic or should I just be ok with it like he’s telling me to?

it screams massive disrespect again 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:00

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 18:59

So when I was pregnant , my partner had an EA with someone at his work. We managed to sort things out but along the way more things have cropped up as they still work together which is annoying.

anyway tonight is a team night out etc, I’m not controlling him, he said he wasn’t sure if he was going because said girl would be there. There in a group chat about this event which he left straight away as he didn’t want her to get his number. He has asked his friends all of them if this person is going tonight before buying his ticket (they all know what have happened) they have all confirmed 100% no she is not going , so he said he will go but if she does end up going he will come home as he don’t want to cause problems and out of respect for me.

Well he is there, and so is she. I’m pissed off cos all of his mates lied to him to get him there clearly and he is now saying he is not coming home or he’s wasted money and I should get over it.

Im so upset as not only has he lied, again he is there with the woman he was talking to behind my back for well over a year. They used to exchange pictures and have gone out on a day out before (without my knowledge) honestly they were catching feelings. It only stopped cos I found out.

An I being over the top and dramatic or should I just be ok with it like he’s telling me to?

it screams massive disrespect again 😞

i must add, at work they work in different departments so they can avoid each other and don’t have to talk to each other

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 08/05/2025 19:02

What a prince!
of course he knew she’d be there
if he respected you even a tiny bit he’d come home
Sorry but this is not a situation I’d be happy staying in

Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:06

rubyslippers · 08/05/2025 19:02

What a prince!
of course he knew she’d be there
if he respected you even a tiny bit he’d come home
Sorry but this is not a situation I’d be happy staying in

Everyone understands where I’m coming from other than him! He’s saying because he’s not interested in her he shouldn’t see why he can’t be there and I said there was a point where he was interested in her though and he said even if he was single he wouldn’t be interested in her. He’s telling me all the things I want to hear, shame the actions don’t match the words 😞

OP posts:
beetr00 · 08/05/2025 19:09

@Mamax32000019

why does a woman give up her agency to a man who decided she was not enough?

It's highly likely that you will not be able to trust him, again @Mamax32000019

Is that how see your and your child's life for the next 40-50 years?

eta; punctuation

YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 08/05/2025 19:11

he is there with the woman he was talking to behind my back for well over a year. They used to exchange pictures and have gone out on a day out before (without my knowledge) honestly they were catching feelings. It only stopped cos I found out.

I'm normally the last MNetter to say this but come on OP, you know it went further than an EA.

If you two are going to stay together, he should at least have been honest about the affair.

Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:11

beetr00 · 08/05/2025 19:09

@Mamax32000019

why does a woman give up her agency to a man who decided she was not enough?

It's highly likely that you will not be able to trust him, again @Mamax32000019

Is that how see your and your child's life for the next 40-50 years?

eta; punctuation

Edited

Cos women are clearly better lovers than men.
id never do this to him and i keep saying it and he says we’re different people 😞 here i am sitting in tears asking him to come home and he’s ignoring my messsges and refusing to do what he said he would do 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:12

YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 08/05/2025 19:11

he is there with the woman he was talking to behind my back for well over a year. They used to exchange pictures and have gone out on a day out before (without my knowledge) honestly they were catching feelings. It only stopped cos I found out.

I'm normally the last MNetter to say this but come on OP, you know it went further than an EA.

If you two are going to stay together, he should at least have been honest about the affair.

In not 100% they done anything physical I’ve asked before and he swears blind they didn’t do anything else but I’m really not sure. Without solid proof I can’t say anything but it just seems like he would rather hurt my feelings then anyone else’s and it hurts honestly

OP posts:
Megifer · 08/05/2025 19:13

If there's alcohol it sounds like he's had a few and it's potentially getting a bit flirty and he's enjoying it.

Sorry op I know that won't help but it's one of the only explanations given he was adamant hed come home if she was there, yet he hasn't.

Tonkie18 · 08/05/2025 19:14

How can you carry on with this guy? He’s going to put you in all sorts of uncomfortable situations if you don’t put your foot down and demand some respect. Tell him to find somewhere else to stay tonight as he isn’t welcome in your home. It might make him think twice about his decisions.

Mumofteenandtween · 08/05/2025 19:17

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:12

In not 100% they done anything physical I’ve asked before and he swears blind they didn’t do anything else but I’m really not sure. Without solid proof I can’t say anything but it just seems like he would rather hurt my feelings then anyone else’s and it hurts honestly

Show quote history

You now have solid proof he is a liar though so I would assume he did.

How about this - tell us about your life and we will come up with practical things to make it easier to leave. It doesn’t mean you have to leave - it just means that if you want to it will be easier.

beetr00 · 08/05/2025 19:17

@Mamax32000019

"here i am sitting in tears asking him to come home and he’s ignoring my messsges and refusing to do what he said he would do"

You are giving away your "power" lovely. Do not beg or play the "pick me" dance.

Can you see that he is not the one for you?

Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:22

Megifer · 08/05/2025 19:13

If there's alcohol it sounds like he's had a few and it's potentially getting a bit flirty and he's enjoying it.

Sorry op I know that won't help but it's one of the only explanations given he was adamant hed come home if she was there, yet he hasn't.

No he doesn’t drink at all, only tea or water and without outing it too much he’s only taken enough money to do the thing he’s there for. But that’s not the point, the point is he isn’t respecting my feelings at all

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:23

Tonkie18 · 08/05/2025 19:14

How can you carry on with this guy? He’s going to put you in all sorts of uncomfortable situations if you don’t put your foot down and demand some respect. Tell him to find somewhere else to stay tonight as he isn’t welcome in your home. It might make him think twice about his decisions.

If I’m honest he probably wouldn’t care at this point

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:24

Mumofteenandtween · 08/05/2025 19:17

You now have solid proof he is a liar though so I would assume he did.

How about this - tell us about your life and we will come up with practical things to make it easier to leave. It doesn’t mean you have to leave - it just means that if you want to it will be easier.

Show quote history

I don’t have a lot to tell if I’m honest. I don’t really talk to my family there all toxic. I have him his family and my children. I wish I was joking but I’m not that’s really it

OP posts:
BakelikeBertha · 08/05/2025 19:25

I'm SO sorry he's putting you through this OP, it really is a shit way to treat the woman you're supposed to love. Quite honestly, after saying that if she should turn up, he'd leave, he's been very quick to change his mind hasn't he? I think in your shoes, I'd send him a text saying, Y'ou either come home RIGHT NOW, or don't bother! You've made it clear I can't trust you, for the second time, you don't get to do that again!'

He's proved that you simply can't trust him under any circumstances OP, please don't let your fear of being alone make you have him back again. He doesn't deserve you.

Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:25

beetr00 · 08/05/2025 19:17

@Mamax32000019

"here i am sitting in tears asking him to come home and he’s ignoring my messsges and refusing to do what he said he would do"

You are giving away your "power" lovely. Do not beg or play the "pick me" dance.

Can you see that he is not the one for you?

I’ve already begged him not to go if she was there and he said he would come straight home if she was there 😭 no probably not if I’m honest I’m stupid cos I’ve stuck by him throughout and he would 100% leave me if this was me. Like he says we’re different people 😞 I’m not too well either I’m on antibiotics and he knows this and genuinely does not care

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:27

BakelikeBertha · 08/05/2025 19:25

I'm SO sorry he's putting you through this OP, it really is a shit way to treat the woman you're supposed to love. Quite honestly, after saying that if she should turn up, he'd leave, he's been very quick to change his mind hasn't he? I think in your shoes, I'd send him a text saying, Y'ou either come home RIGHT NOW, or don't bother! You've made it clear I can't trust you, for the second time, you don't get to do that again!'

He's proved that you simply can't trust him under any circumstances OP, please don't let your fear of being alone make you have him back again. He doesn't deserve you.

Yeah I said to him if you don’t leave now like you said you would then seriously don’t come home. He told me to change my attitude or we’re done so I blocked him. I’m not sure where to go from here, everything always seems to be my fault. It’s my fault he cheated(although he swears blind cos it wasn’t physical it’s not cheating) and here comes the bombshell, it hasn’t been the first time

OP posts:
QuickFawn · 08/05/2025 19:28

I’d be locking the door so he couldn’t get back in
tell him you’ll have his stuff packed to collect tomorrow and he can move in with one of his helpful mates

Nicecuppatea2025 · 08/05/2025 19:28

Change the locks.

2chocolateoranges · 08/05/2025 19:28

You’ve set your bar so low by “forgiving” this EA .

Some men think because you’ve taken them back then it’s life as normal for them.

he’s done it once , he’ll do it again.

QuickFawn · 08/05/2025 19:29

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:27

Yeah I said to him if you don’t leave now like you said you would then seriously don’t come home. He told me to change my attitude or we’re done so I blocked him. I’m not sure where to go from here, everything always seems to be my fault. It’s my fault he cheated(although he swears blind cos it wasn’t physical it’s not cheating) and here comes the bombshell, it hasn’t been the first time

Show quote history

Shock…

just get rid, people like him don’t change

Sassybooklover · 08/05/2025 19:30

Actions speak louder than words. Your partner's actions are telling you that your feelings are unimportant. He spun you a line, about his friend's not telling him the truth etc. He knew in advance that this particular colleague would be there. He just told you what you wanted to hear. He never had any intention of coming home, and was always going to continue with his night out. Stop sending him messages, asking him to come home, you are wasting your time. You need to have a long hard think about the future of your relationship. You have stayed with him after seemingly forgiving him for the EA he had (I'm not convinced it was purely emotional), but in doing so, you've given him no real consequences to his behaviour, so the likelihood he will have another. Do you want to spend your life stuck in this endless circle of anxiousness, distrust and waiting for the next OW to come along? I can guarantee that's what life will be like. Your self-esteem and self-confidence, slowly year after year slipping away. You deserve better.

TheAmusedQuail · 08/05/2025 19:31

Your relationship is over. You can do it now or later. But it's over.

TheAmusedQuail · 08/05/2025 19:32

Nicecuppatea2025 · 08/05/2025 19:28

Change the locks.

This.

Lock him out. Message him and tell him not to come home. His marriage is over.

beetr00 · 08/05/2025 19:32

@Mamax32000019

The life you deserve is not with this "man"

Are you worried about being alone Mama?

This really is no way to live, especially when you have a young one