Page 2 | Am I over reacting ?

Mamax32000019 · 2025-05-08T17:59:38+00:00

So when I was pregnant , my partner had an EA with someone at his work. We managed to sort things out but along the way more things have cropped up as they still work together which is annoying. anyway tonight is a team night out etc, I’m not controlling him, he said he wasn’t sure if he was going because said girl would be there. There in a group chat about this event which he left straight away as he didn’t want her to get his number. He has asked his friends all of them if this person is going tonight before buying his ticket (they all know what have happened) they have all confirmed 100% no she is not going , so he said he will go but if she does end up going he will come home as he don’t want to cause problems and out of respect for me. Well he is there, and so is she. I’m pissed off cos all of his mates lied to him to get him there clearly and he is now saying he is not coming home or he’s wasted money and I should get over it. Im so upset as not only has he lied, again he is there with the woman he was talking to behind my back for well over a year. They used to exchange pictures and have gone out on a day out before (without my knowledge) honestly they were catching feelings. It only stopped cos I found out. An I being over the top and dramatic or should I just be ok with it like he’s telling me to? it screams massive disrespect again 😞

Amba1998 · 08/05/2025 19:32

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:27

Yeah I said to him if you don’t leave now like you said you would then seriously don’t come home. He told me to change my attitude or we’re done so I blocked him. I’m not sure where to go from here, everything always seems to be my fault. It’s my fault he cheated(although he swears blind cos it wasn’t physical it’s not cheating) and here comes the bombshell, it hasn’t been the first time

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You need to follow through now or your threats and words will forever mean nothing and he will forever use you as a door mat

YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 08/05/2025 19:35

Nicecuppatea2025 · 08/05/2025 19:28

Change the locks.

I can't believe people still trot this unhelpful 'advice' out on threads.

Unless the OP owns the house alone, she'll have to give him a key to the new lock anyway.

Original poster

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:35

I can’t reply to them all individually as there’s too much .

it’s not the fact I’m scared of being alone, I have no support at all just me and the kids. I’ve been with him most of my life so it’s just hard. I’d never treat him like this 😞 before I blocked him he called me toxic and I don’t trust him and I need to sort it out cos I’m gonna lose him. Feels like I have to be ok with absolutely everything he says or does cos im
controlling otherwise . It’s honestly draining why can’t be love me and respect me like I do him 😞 my confidence is soooo low honestly I don’t blame him for looking else where right now

OP posts:

Vaxtable · 08/05/2025 19:38

Afraid I would be leaving his bags by the front door texting him it’s there and he can go elsewhere

then I would be finding a shit hot lawyer and separating taking him for all I can

Mumofteenandtween · 08/05/2025 19:39

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:24

I don’t have a lot to tell if I’m honest. I don’t really talk to my family there all toxic. I have him his family and my children. I wish I was joking but I’m not that’s really it

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Ok - no family makes it harder but not impossible. Do you work outside the home? Do you have any savings? Do you own or rent the house? Whose name is it in? How old are your children? Can you cope with them alone? Do you have childcare so you can work?

Original poster

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:41

Mumofteenandtween · 08/05/2025 19:39

Ok - no family makes it harder but not impossible. Do you work outside the home? Do you have any savings? Do you own or rent the house? Whose name is it in? How old are your children? Can you cope with them alone? Do you have childcare so you can work?

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No I’m a stay at home mum. My kids are nearly 2 7 and 9. I can cope with them fine , the house is rented and no trust me I’m not exaggerating I literally have no one

OP posts:

BoredZelda · 08/05/2025 19:43

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:35

I can’t reply to them all individually as there’s too much .

it’s not the fact I’m scared of being alone, I have no support at all just me and the kids. I’ve been with him most of my life so it’s just hard. I’d never treat him like this 😞 before I blocked him he called me toxic and I don’t trust him and I need to sort it out cos I’m gonna lose him. Feels like I have to be ok with absolutely everything he says or does cos im
controlling otherwise . It’s honestly draining why can’t be love me and respect me like I do him 😞 my confidence is soooo low honestly I don’t blame him for looking else where right now

He knows you need him. That’s why he’s threatening you with losing him at a time when he should be afraid of using you. If he wants you to trust him after he broke your trust, he needs to earn it back. Coming home tonight was how he would have done that. Keep the door locked and tell him you will talk to him about it when he is ready to apologise.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/05/2025 19:46

Ugh, what a nasty piece of work. He knew she would be there tonight op. He also most likely cheated. He. Doesn’t. Care. Not about you, not about anyone but himself. Please dump him. You and your kids deserve so much better.

Original poster

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:47

BoredZelda · 08/05/2025 19:43

He knows you need him. That’s why he’s threatening you with losing him at a time when he should be afraid of using you. If he wants you to trust him after he broke your trust, he needs to earn it back. Coming home tonight was how he would have done that. Keep the door locked and tell him you will talk to him about it when he is ready to apologise.

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He will never apologise cos he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He’s already said if I have a problem with it then we over. So that’s how much he cares , zero . I don’t know why I’m expecting him to come home because it’s clear he won’t otherwise he would be home now . I can see his location also and he’s been in the same spot now for 2 hours which means he has no intentions of leaving anytime soon

OP posts:

ChristmasFluff · 08/05/2025 20:00

You are under-reacting. This relationship is over in all but name anyway. He doesn't love you or he would treat you better. He is not worthy of your trust because he is a cheater.

You say you can't cope without him, but you will. And if he one day decides to run off with another woman, he'll drop you like a stone - at least this way you get to be the one choosing the end.

BeNavyCrab · 08/05/2025 20:03

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:35

I can’t reply to them all individually as there’s too much .

it’s not the fact I’m scared of being alone, I have no support at all just me and the kids. I’ve been with him most of my life so it’s just hard. I’d never treat him like this 😞 before I blocked him he called me toxic and I don’t trust him and I need to sort it out cos I’m gonna lose him. Feels like I have to be ok with absolutely everything he says or does cos im
controlling otherwise . It’s honestly draining why can’t be love me and respect me like I do him 😞 my confidence is soooo low honestly I don’t blame him for looking else where right now

He says you are two different people and he's dead right. You are a loyal loving human who cares about their partner's feelings and he's not. Nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel after he's promised you one thing and done the opposite! To say that you have to be okay with it or you are over is absolutely emotional manipulation and the slippery slope. What is he going to do next that he's going to demand you be okay with?

You might not blame him for looking elsewhere because your confidence is so low but I damn well do!! He's probably the contributing factor for why you have lost confidence due to his actions making you feel worthless and unloved. This isn't a healthy relationship and it's definitely not what you would want for one of your children when they grow up. I know it's hard but effectively he's damaged the relationship to the point where he's emotionally abusing you, so he can carry on behaving the way he wants to. He's using you as childcare and unpaid maid, whilst having his "fun" with others.

Start with practical things like taking photos of bank accounts, passports, birth certificates and wage slips. Make an appointment for legal advice, so you know where you stand. Get everything into place quietly and then you can decide when the time is right to let him go.

Original poster

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 20:05

ChristmasFluff · 08/05/2025 20:00

You are under-reacting. This relationship is over in all but name anyway. He doesn't love you or he would treat you better. He is not worthy of your trust because he is a cheater.

You say you can't cope without him, but you will. And if he one day decides to run off with another woman, he'll drop you like a stone - at least this way you get to be the one choosing the end.

I can cope without him I don’t mean that I just mean he’s literally the only adult I socialise with. I’ve unblocked him and messaged him, he’s been online but hasn’t read my messages. I’m currently sitting here with a fever on antibiotics, sorting out his kids and he genuinely does not care. All of his mates are younger than him and single he is the only one in a relationship which does not help as he is very easily influenced like a sheep. Honestly he does not care I’m sitting here crying at all

OP posts:

KatyaKat · 08/05/2025 20:12

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 20:05

I can cope without him I don’t mean that I just mean he’s literally the only adult I socialise with. I’ve unblocked him and messaged him, he’s been online but hasn’t read my messages. I’m currently sitting here with a fever on antibiotics, sorting out his kids and he genuinely does not care. All of his mates are younger than him and single he is the only one in a relationship which does not help as he is very easily influenced like a sheep. Honestly he does not care I’m sitting here crying at all

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You deserve SO much better than this OP. Be strong, don't let him in, and call his bluff. He is the one losing something, not you.

It's OK that you don't yet have other people to talk to, focus first on getting rid of him, and then on re-building your own life, which you CAN do. You've got this :-)

MightAsWellBeGretel · 08/05/2025 20:16

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:11

Cos women are clearly better lovers than men.
id never do this to him and i keep saying it and he says we’re different people 😞 here i am sitting in tears asking him to come home and he’s ignoring my messsges and refusing to do what he said he would do 😞

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Don't degrade yourself any further - tell him not to bother coming home. He's made his decision.

If he were really that concerned, he wouldn't have gone.

Original poster

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 20:19

He says I’m controlling but I’m really not. It’s cos he wants to be able to talk to who he wants when he wants and cos I don’t allow that (girls) then I’m boring and controlling. He’s just got in contact and told me she’s gone apparently and is no longer there. Course she isn’t. Just like she wasn’t going to be there, just like he’d come home if she was there. Does he think I’m really that dumb. Even now he’s saying he’s not putting up with my shit and he’s trying to enjoy his night out.

where the fuck am I going wrong

OP posts:

Notenoughcoffe · 08/05/2025 20:58

Dont put up with it..

BakelikeBertha · 08/05/2025 21:07

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 19:35

I can’t reply to them all individually as there’s too much .

it’s not the fact I’m scared of being alone, I have no support at all just me and the kids. I’ve been with him most of my life so it’s just hard. I’d never treat him like this 😞 before I blocked him he called me toxic and I don’t trust him and I need to sort it out cos I’m gonna lose him. Feels like I have to be ok with absolutely everything he says or does cos im
controlling otherwise . It’s honestly draining why can’t be love me and respect me like I do him 😞 my confidence is soooo low honestly I don’t blame him for looking else where right now

OP, stop this RIGHT NOW!! None of this is YOUR fault!!

He is behaving like an absolute arsehole, and then turning it around and blaming you. That is HIS behaviour, not yours!

Now that you've told him not to come home. Stick with it. Lock the door for tonight, and bolt it if you can, if not, make it extremely difficult for him to get in. Bag up his clothes, and chuck them out of the window. Then see how great he looks to his wonderful colleagues, when he turns up at work tomorrow, and has to tell them that he looks a crumpled mess, because his wife has kicked him out! Obviously you can't lock him out for ever, but just by doing it, it will show him that you're not going to be walked over any more. Then, when you do eventually agree to see him, tell him that you deserve better, and you aren't going to put up with his lies any more. The marriage is over.

Have courage! You may not have any support, but some women literally have to leave their husbands, in the clothes they're standing in, and they survive, and you can too!! You're a grown up, with children to care for, so show them how a grown up behaves, and if you feel like you can't, then 'fake it 'til you make it', but don't let this arsehole continue to treat you with such a lack of respect, you really do DESERVE better!

Endofyear · 08/05/2025 22:18

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 20:19

He says I’m controlling but I’m really not. It’s cos he wants to be able to talk to who he wants when he wants and cos I don’t allow that (girls) then I’m boring and controlling. He’s just got in contact and told me she’s gone apparently and is no longer there. Course she isn’t. Just like she wasn’t going to be there, just like he’d come home if she was there. Does he think I’m really that dumb. Even now he’s saying he’s not putting up with my shit and he’s trying to enjoy his night out.

where the fuck am I going wrong

Where you're going wrong is by putting up with this shit from an unfaithful cheat who doesn't care about you. Believe me, you would be MUCH better off without him. You need to leave, get a job and some friends and make a life without him. I know it's scary but it cannot be worse than what you're putting up with now. Speak to Citizens Advice for financial help, you can claim UC and child maintenance, you can apply to the council for housing too. Please don't stay out of fear of the unknown - you can stand on your own two feet and look after yourself and your children.

BlondiePortz · 08/05/2025 22:36

So he is showing who he is and you are ignoring it? Why?

Fruitbat99 · 08/05/2025 22:40

So him saying he would come home if she did end up being there, was an empty promise then

Original poster

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 23:24

So he’s come home with the right hump saying I’m controlling his life and he should be able to do what he wants. He was having a good night apparently and I ruined it. It’s turned onto me like always he can’t see what he’s done wrong and now it’s my fault 😞

OP posts:

TheAmusedQuail · 08/05/2025 23:34

@Mamax32000019 Tell him to leave and go off with the other woman.

Endofyear · 08/05/2025 23:39

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 23:24

So he’s come home with the right hump saying I’m controlling his life and he should be able to do what he wants. He was having a good night apparently and I ruined it. It’s turned onto me like always he can’t see what he’s done wrong and now it’s my fault 😞

No it isn't your fault. He can only turn this around on you if you let him. Don't accept his bullshit. Stand your ground. Tell him if he's unhappy he can leave, in fact tell him that you want him to. Tell him don't let the door hit him on the arse on his way out! Tell him you'll be popping the champagne once he's gone! 🍾👋

TwistedWonder · 08/05/2025 23:46

Honestly OP he’s a nasty controlling cunt who knows he’s treating you like shit but doesn’t care because he knows at this point he can do what he wants with no consequences.

Please please find a way to get your ducks in a row and leave this wanker.

All you are to him is a nanny with a fanny and and a housemaid. He’s treating you like a doormat and you’re twisting yourself into a pretzel to find ways to blame yourself.

This won’t get better - dk you really want your kids growing up to think this is all women deserve?

CleanShirt · 08/05/2025 23:52

Mamax32000019 · 08/05/2025 23:24

So he’s come home with the right hump saying I’m controlling his life and he should be able to do what he wants. He was having a good night apparently and I ruined it. It’s turned onto me like always he can’t see what he’s done wrong and now it’s my fault 😞

Tell him he can do that without you then.

Seriously OP, stop letting this prick mug you off.