Am I over reacting ?

[Mamax32000019]

So when I was pregnant , my partner had an EA with someone at his work. We managed to sort things out but along the way more things have cropped up as they still work together which is annoying.

anyway tonight is a team night out etc, I’m not controlling him, he said he wasn’t sure if he was going because said girl would be there. There in a group chat about this event which he left straight away as he didn’t want her to get his number. He has asked his friends all of them if this person is going tonight before buying his ticket (they all know what have happened) they have all confirmed 100% no she is not going , so he said he will go but if she does end up going he will come home as he don’t want to cause problems and out of respect for me.

Well he is there, and so is she. I’m pissed off cos all of his mates lied to him to get him there clearly and he is now saying he is not coming home or he’s wasted money and I should get over it.

Im so upset as not only has he lied, again he is there with the woman he was talking to behind my back for well over a year. They used to exchange pictures and have gone out on a day out before (without my knowledge) honestly they were catching feelings. It only stopped cos I found out.

An I being over the top and dramatic or should I just be ok with it like he’s telling me to?

it screams massive disrespect again 😞

So he thinks you should be fine with him saying he was going to come home if she was there, and then not coming home.

This is top level gaslighting.

Of course you are not being unreasonable to be upset about him lying and manipulating you.

I would actually stop engaging with him now.
You've already told him your position. He's ignoring you and being awful to you.

He doesn't get to tell you to change your attitude!

I think he is enjoying winding you up and ignoring you, he's cruel and selfish.

So don't let him know how much he's upsetting you. Show indifference to him now, he doesn't even deserve to see you affected by him.

Lock the door and leave your key in so he can't get in. He is a cheating pig and he clearly doesn't care about your feelings. I wouldn't put up with his cheating ways.

How did you know she was there?

I'd seriously consider the relationship to be honest.. even if there is a pinch of truth in what he says in that you are wanting to control who he says and what he does, that is ONLY happening because of his past behaviour, and the lack of trust that you have now.

You've done nothing wrong here and should not be punished by him or blamed by him for trust issues that he has caused by messing around with other women.

where the fuck am I going wrong

By letting this awful man do these things, that where you're going wrong. He has no respect for you and doesn't seem to care about you. Don't stay with someone like this. He's using you. He will keep using you and treating you like shit because he can. There are no consequences for him, you've shown him that. He's got you at home keeping house and sorting the kids, and then he's got his side piece. Why would he want to change that? Best of both worlds isn't it, for him anyway.

Set an example for your children if nothing else, and show them that this is not how grown ups who purport to care for each other behave.

You can stop all of this immediately by digging deep, finding your self respect and kicking the wanker out for good

You asked where you're going wrong, well here's where:

You let him back in, in spite of telling him not to bother coming home. By doing this, you've shown him that he can walk all over you, treat you like shit, shag other women, and you'll still be there to warm his bed, make his food, and run around after him.

I know it's not easy to go out on your own, but I've done it, as have numerous other women on MN, there IS support out there, IF you want it. The next move is up to you, carry on letting him walk all over you, OR kick his cheating arse out!

THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

Exactly. Don't listen to the words, he needs to show you actual actions.

He knew she'd be there.

Sorry, other post didn't quote!

You deserve to be treated better than this.
It's easy for an outsider to say 'bin him' when there's feelings and emotions at play but the reality is, if he cared about you then this situation would have never evolved in the first place. Please be kind to yourself, he won't change. Just think of it as the universe trying to tell you that there's someone better waiting around the corner for you. Sending hugs.

Of course he should be able to do what he wants. You can't control someone else. That doesn't mean you don't have boundaries, which include what you want/need/expect. If him doing what he wants crosses your boundaries (ie hanging out with an affair partner) then the consequence of that is the relationship ending. The ironic thing is he is actually trying to control you by insisting he should be able to stay in the relationship AND cross your boundaries.

You don't have to immediately change the locks, kick him out or immediately put yourself into a shit situation by going into a women's shelter or whatever to stop being in a relationship with him. You simply stop being his wife. You don't kiss him, hug him, fuck him, care about his problems, make his dinner, wash his clothes, etc... in the meantime, you work on yourself, your own life and most importantly having the means to leave.

He wants to do whatever he wants? He wants to be single, then! Cool. You get to be single, too! There are definitely perks of being single, have a think about all the positives you will gain.

Just don't be rash. This doesn't need to be more traumatic than it needs to be for yourself or the kids.