To think the idea of "family" can can be really cruel

[Mannatan]

Family is the idea that you love these people more than anyone else, because they are related to you.

That makes life nice for the people in that family. But i think it can also lead to a lot of cruelty.

For example the family will favour that family member over anyone else, even if the person in the family is wrong. There is no fairness.

One example that happened to me. I have a cousin the same age as me. She has a younger sister and brother. The oldest one has always been wild and argumentative and cruel. She can be difficult to get along with.

Her younger sister is a really peaceful lovely lovely person. Ive been friends with her all my life since we were young kids, and ive never had a single argument with her.
Ive also always got on along really well with the brother. We have all known each other since we were very young.

Myself and the oldest cousin had a very bad argument last year. I feel that she was the one that was totally in the wrong. She can be very spiteful and cruel. So we argued and we dont speak anymore. But the argument was between the two of us.

After this happened, both her younger sister and younger brother deleted me on social media and wont speak to me again either.

They didnt even ask me about what happened. They refuse to speak to me.

They just both took their sisters side automatically, as she is their closer family member. Which is so unfair.

Ive seen this happen to other people aswell. Like my friend house - shared with two sisters. In any argument they would always take each other's side straightaway, and never even ask what happened.

I know its nice that families have each other's back, its nice for them. It benefits them. But its cruel for other people

I think you're thinking about the family thing too deeply.

If your friend house shared with two best friends she probably would've got the same treatment.

And as for your cousins, who knows what they've been told?

People who automatically take sides without finding out the facts do it because they're foolish, not because they're related.

How old are you - 13? 15? Your post/writing style makes you sound very young emotionally.

Life isn’t fair. People fall out and other people take sides. Surely you know that by now?

Is that supposed to be an insult?

No I'm not a teenager, I'm an adult.

Im not sure how writing about family issues makes me sound young emotionally, seeing as there are plenty of adult women on mumsnet writing about family issues every single day on here.

You do see a lot of families taking each others side, even if they are completely in the wrong.

I can think of loads of examples that I've seen.

The idea of family isn’t because you love them more than anyone else. It’s because you’re family, connected by genetics. The idea is to look out for your own no matter how shit they are, they are never left behind. I see it as more of a duty than anything else. The reasoning (to me) is because if you don’t care for them who the hell will?? It’s not like you can just remove people who are a drain to society.

But in your case it does seem a bit unnecessary/silly of them.

If the older sibling is mean and vindictive, she could have told her siblings anything. I have experienced similar in my family. Fell out with a cousin and her mum (my aunt) fell out with me because of it. I didn't care about the relationship with my cousin (never liked her) but I did care that my aunt fell out with me. But again, my cousin could have embellished what was said between us. I will never know.

And you see best friends, colleagues and neighbours doing exactly the same 🤷‍♂️

It's normal. If your family doesn't have your back, who will? I love my sister and while I won't blindly support her if I think she's wrong, I will always defend her from attack.

When it comes to picking sides I think many of us will pick based on convenience rather than in who we think is in the right. Like if you live with someone or depend on someone or have a closer history with someone and you're made to pick a side it can seem easier to side with that person rather than cause yourself upheaval.

I'm not saying it's the right or principled thing to do but many people prefer an easy life.

Families in every human society have been the building blocks of society, lots of families make up a village, town city.
Your cousins' behaviour does sound over the top, cutting you off, but it's perhaps not an unexpected outcome.

If you’re falling out with lots of people and their families are taking their side the problem may well be you, rather than that family automatically takes precedence.

Oh here it comes. You could nearly set a timer to see when this post will happen. Someone always comes on and tells the op that its their fault.

If you read what i wrote. I didnt just write about it happening to me

I wrote about it happening to me, and i wrote that ive also seen it happen to loads of other people.

Family has a good side in that it can mean that you have people supporting you no matter what.

The flip side, is that it can lead to terrible cruelty of other people.

I have another uncle and his wife and two cousins. Im related to the uncle. The aunt is his wife.

Anytime i go to their house, she is so lovely to her own two children, and she is always so nasty to me. Because i'm not related to her. I can feel the energy radiate off her towards me , the energy is always "you are not my family" from her to me

Right you're always going to love your own kids more, but it shouldnt make you be cruel to other people. You can still be polite

That's sad. Did your aunt even ask you what happened?

I sort of agree with you and I would avoid working for a family business for the same reason.
I also don't believe that 'blood is thicker than water' and I'm sure someone will point out that the expression used to mean the exact opposite of what it does now.

They just both took their sisters side automatically, as she is their closer family member. Which is so unfair.

You don't know this. You don't know what conversations took place between them. They may be on her side, she may have explained everything in a way that makes things all seem your fault. Things may actually be all your fault. But you're making assumptions.

I do know that they took her side. They still speak to her and they dont speak to me.

Its not really about if the fallout was my older cousins fault or my fault.

It was that my two younger cousins didnt even ask me what happened.

They instantly believed my older cousin's version of events . And didnt ask me. They cut me off and refused to speak to me again. Which is very hurtful.

No. But she apparently did respond very positively to a little Christmas gift given to her, from me, by a mutual family member. I think she felt that she had to side with her daughter. She died a few years ago but she was a stubborn person, anyway and very socially difficult. Didn't really leave the house much or do very much. Didn't like attending social events. But she did do something in her life that I am eternally grateful to her for (helped someone I love).

I am sorry this happened to you with your cousins. I hope it resolves itself.

I loathe the "cult" of the family. I like people for who they are, and whether they are related to me is irrelevant.
I would always put my friends above my family because they're just nicer people, and more important in my life.
Sadly, I think this is an unusual reaction,but all I can do is stick to what works for me.

You had a falling-out (for which you were almost certainly partially to blame) and their family binned you off...now you find 'the idea of a family' to be 'cruel'.

Goodness me 😂

The thing is, I definitely wasn't to blame. I didnt do anything.

My cousin has a history of being vindictive, angry and cruel. And then telling people that her behaviour is other peoples fault.

The last time before this that we had an argument, (her abusing me is more accurate) she lost her temper badly, and she shouted at me until I cried. Then she told me it was my fault that she had lost her temper. And she sai that i had upset everyone n the room by making her shout like that.

Afrer that argument, i spoke to her younger sister, because the sister was there as well, i said i was shocked that Lily would shout at me until i cried?

and the younger sister said "Lily has a very bad temper , believe me, i know".

Then in our very last argument again she lost her temper, and screamed and shouted at me.
Its hard to explain what it was about but lets say she tried to control me about something. I wouldnt be controlled and i did it anyway. Something I am entitled to do. One adult cant control another. She got angry that she couldnt control me, lost her temper, screamed abuse at me, then told me it was my fault that she had lost her temper again.

Im sure she probably lied to them about what happened. Shes vindictive. Shes the type that wouldnt just have an argument with someone, she wouldnt stop until she turned everyone else against her victim too.

I agree with this. I’ve seen so many people dragged into family rows and things, and they put up with it because “it’s family”. There can be a really toxic attitude to family and “cult” is a good word for it.

I’m close to my sister, but I’d hope that if I argued with someone over something ridiculous she’d tell me to give my head a wobble!

So blame her, not the ‘cult of the family’? And maybe your uncle’s wife just doesn’t like you? Surely you wouldn’t expect to be treated the same as her own children,regardless?

I didnt say i expected her to treat me the same as her own children.

I said that i would like to be treated politely by her. She is nasty to me.

Ill blame her, as she is a vindictive person, and i'll also blame the cult of family.

Ive seen a lot of other people suffer because of the cult of family too. It causes a lot of fall outs. If any one falls out with one family member, the whole family stop talking to them.

I remember in college, my friend was really good friends with three sisters. Two were twins and one sister was two years younger. Theyd all been friends for years. She fell out with one of the sisters. The other two sisters also refused to speak to her again

I do love my sister very much, she's fab. But if we had a mutual friend and they fell out, I might easily step away from the friendship as well, simply because my sister will always have the power to hurt me more than anyone else. She knows me better than anyone and the boundaries between us are lower, for good or ill. Call it self preservation tbh.