Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think the idea of "family" can can be really cruel

67 replies

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 13:56

Family is the idea that you love these people more than anyone else, because they are related to you.

That makes life nice for the people in that family. But i think it can also lead to a lot of cruelty.

For example the family will favour that family member over anyone else, even if the person in the family is wrong. There is no fairness.

One example that happened to me. I have a cousin the same age as me. She has a younger sister and brother. The oldest one has always been wild and argumentative and cruel. She can be difficult to get along with.

Her younger sister is a really peaceful lovely lovely person. Ive been friends with her all my life since we were young kids, and ive never had a single argument with her.
Ive also always got on along really well with the brother. We have all known each other since we were very young.

Myself and the oldest cousin had a very bad argument last year. I feel that she was the one that was totally in the wrong. She can be very spiteful and cruel. So we argued and we dont speak anymore. But the argument was between the two of us.

After this happened, both her younger sister and younger brother deleted me on social media and wont speak to me again either.

They didnt even ask me about what happened. They refuse to speak to me.

They just both took their sisters side automatically, as she is their closer family member. Which is so unfair.

Ive seen this happen to other people aswell. Like my friend house - shared with two sisters. In any argument they would always take each other's side straightaway, and never even ask what happened.

I know its nice that families have each other's back, its nice for them. It benefits them. But its cruel for other people

OP posts:

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 22:12

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 22:05

I didnt say i expected her to treat me the same as her own children.

I said that i would like to be treated politely by her. She is nasty to me.

Show quote history

So just avoid her if she’s persistently rude to you? I don’t see what ‘family’ has to do with an individual behaving unpleasantly to you?

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 22:23

Mannatan · 08/05/2025 22:09

Ill blame her, as she is a vindictive person, and i'll also blame the cult of family.

Ive seen a lot of other people suffer because of the cult of family too. It causes a lot of fall outs. If any one falls out with one family member, the whole family stop talking to them.

I remember in college, my friend was really good friends with three sisters. Two were twins and one sister was two years younger. Theyd all been friends for years. She fell out with one of the sisters. The other two sisters also refused to speak to her again

Show quote history

Maybe you just know a lot of quarrelsome, clannish people. I am one of a big family, and DH’s family is huge (he’s the youngest of seven, and his mother is one of thirteen), and I can’t think of a single situation in which the entire family fell out with someone because of a disagreement with one individual.

BlondiePortz · 08/05/2025 22:34

I guess what comes with maturity is you realise not everything is about you and the dramatics you make up in your head, if people are acting bad towards you then you move on from them and focus on your own life

Nothing to do with age but using your brain really

Embarrassinglyuseless · 08/05/2025 22:41

My sisters can both be utter twats sometimes. But I love them, and they’re my people so, while I would acknowledge (I hope) that they’re in the wrong - I would also be clear that I’m on their team…

Original poster

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 14:42

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 22:23

Show quote history

But the posters on this thread have also said that they would always take their sisters side in an argument, no matter if their sister was right or wrong.

Thats the cult of family. It benefits the people inside the family, and it hurts the people outside the family.

OP posts:

blubbyblub · 09/05/2025 14:56

There are great families and crap families.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/05/2025 15:19

When it comes to close siblings, they're used to the older Dsis, they probably have an understanding of why she is cruel, she has her place in their family dynamic, outsiders might be appalled by her, to her siblings she has always been the same.

Blood is thicker than water in this case, personally I wouldn't have cut you off for fighting with my cranky sister. I have had many myself. I have 3 sisters, all close, we always forgive and forget each other easily, the same as when we were children.

Redpeach · 09/05/2025 15:47

It takes 2 people to argue, why don't you try and build bridges?

Original poster

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 15:52

Redpeach · 09/05/2025 15:47

It takes 2 people to argue, why don't you try and build bridges?

This wasnt the first time that this has happened with my cousin. She has been cruel and abusive to me many times before. She went too far on this last occasion and she did something so cruel to me, that i just dont want to see her again.

I think part of it was jealousy because at that time in our lives last year i just happened to be doing better in my life, than she was in hers. I had a good career and she was on benefits at the time.
I never looked down on her, but i did notice that if my life is ever going well, she gets exrtremely jealous of me, and gets angry at me. I dont want to be abused by her again.

I do miss her younger sister, who is a much more peaceful person. I loved her and always got on well with her.

But apparantly if I dont speak to the older sister, i cant speak to the younger sister again either. They come as a package deal. Probably the younger sister is a bit afraid of the older sister too

OP posts:

JLou08 · 09/05/2025 15:58

It's not like this in all families. There's been fall outs in my family between siblings and cousins and no one else gets involved, its beetween the two that fell out and the rest of us carry on as normal with each other. We don't get involved if a family member falls out with someone outside of the family either. I have a sibling who can be very difficult, I care about him very much but I'm not blind to his flaws and I don't put him above anyone else.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/05/2025 16:00

It is a crap situation. You don’t deserve to be abused by her. There isn't much you can do unfortunately, lick your wound, grieving the loss.
It is a horrible feeling. I hope you recover soon.
Younger cousin choose her Dsis for an easy life. She is probably used to keeping the peace, for peace sake.

wowwhataday · 09/05/2025 16:10

What sort of personality are you, would you say? When two big personalities clash, quieter people can seek out the safe option and retreat. For both the sister AND brother to block you does suggest there is more to it than just blind loyalty though.

RaraRachael · 09/05/2025 16:16

I'm not from a close family - I see more of my friends than I do my sister. I just don't get why you should put up with stuff because you happen to be related to someone.

You can choose your friends .....

WhiteRosesAndThistles · 09/05/2025 16:16

PermanentTemporary · 08/05/2025 22:11

I do love my sister very much, she's fab. But if we had a mutual friend and they fell out, I might easily step away from the friendship as well, simply because my sister will always have the power to hurt me more than anyone else. She knows me better than anyone and the boundaries between us are lower, for good or ill. Call it self preservation tbh.

This! My sister knows too much for us to fall out.....
It is interesting that you say families are cruel to those they no longer wish to interact with, did you consider this when you were welcome in the happy bubble or just when you all fell out?

Original poster

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 16:20

wowwhataday · 09/05/2025 16:10

I think it is just blind loyalty. Siblings often take each others side over anyone else.

The cousin i was talking about was on my dads side of the family.

Ive actually seen the same scenario play out with some of my friends.

One of my friends ann was really good friends with a whole family of people. There were four siblings in the family. She fell out with one of them something and all of the other siblings completely cut her off too.

A lot of families seem to adopt an approach of : you argue with one of us, you argue with all of us. They dont think individually. Its a collective.

OP posts:

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 09/05/2025 16:25

The problem isn't the concept of family. The problem is with specific people and the way they treat others. Nobody is actually forcing you to love family members. What you are describing is unpleasant and vindictive people, not a 'cult of family'.

BeesTrees · 09/05/2025 16:33

Try having an abusive mother, a golden child sibling and being the scapegoat yourself (like me), that’s when you see the cruelty of family - the family who bully their own blood!

There are horrible people and lovely people in all walks of life, but it does feel much harder when it’s family. Especially when you feel singled out.

PinkBobby · 09/05/2025 16:54

I think some people are brought up to believe that an attack against one family member is an attack against the whole unit and family loyalty comes before everything. I’ve seen it in action from children of a very young age and it struck me as quite an anxious, angry way of being in the world. Us vs them when there isn’t really any great battle to fight.

Sadly, I don’t think there’s much to be done about it. Reflect on your role in the disagreements then move on. I know it’s sad to lose good/kind friends but even the best of friends can sometimes be for a set time of your life.

Ddakji · 09/05/2025 17:09

I’ve never seen anything like this happen so perhaps this is just the circles you move in, full of unpleasant, not very bright people.

SelinaPlace · 09/05/2025 17:11

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 14:42

But the posters on this thread have also said that they would always take their sisters side in an argument, no matter if their sister was right or wrong.

Thats the cult of family. It benefits the people inside the family, and it hurts the people outside the family.

Show quote history

Some people have said thst. Many Mn threads will also show people who have distant or dysfunctional relationships with siblings. And far more Mn threads dissect problematic family relationships than ones in which blood relatives unite against ‘outsiders’. I’m fond of my sisters, but I’d be highly unlikely to be aware of quarrels they were having with friends, colleagues or extended family, far less wade in on their side.

You’re making unfounded generalisations off a tiny sample size, and you seem to know a lot of weirdly quarrelsome people. I just don’t get into many quarrels.

SelinaPlace · 09/05/2025 17:16

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 16:20

I think it is just blind loyalty. Siblings often take each others side over anyone else.

The cousin i was talking about was on my dads side of the family.

Ive actually seen the same scenario play out with some of my friends.

A lot of families seem to adopt an approach of : you argue with one of us, you argue with all of us. They dont think individually. Its a collective.

Show quote history

Like I said, you know a lot of weirdly quarrelsome people who seem to dash about getting other people involved in their aggro. I can’t remember the last time I had a significant falling out with anyone, far less went around telling family members about it and enlisting them on my ‘side’. I mean, quite apart from anything else, do all these siblings hunt in packs and only socialise with all the same people? I’m fond of my siblings, but I barely know any of their friends and would have no way of contacting them to tell them I am on my sibling’s side in their ‘fight’, even were I so inclined.

DyslexicPoster · 09/05/2025 17:22

I think it's just the way of it. Eg mil seems to love each of her dil like a daughter. Until her son moves on and if he hates them, so does mil. Her loyalty is with him which honestly is possibly how it should be? It does seem unfair when the other party has done nothing wrong. But that's how it is unfortunately

MoistVonL · 09/05/2025 17:24

You sound rather melodramatic about it all.

You and one cousin fell out. Her siblings took the path of least resistance. Now you’re wanging on about the cruelty of the cult of family, like it’s some mafiosa gangland nonsense.

Maybe they felt it was more aggro than they could be arsed with. They don’t owe you an impartial judicial review of your spat with their older sister. They can just decide they don’t fancy it.

SunsetSinging · 09/05/2025 17:50

Mannatan · 09/05/2025 14:42

But the posters on this thread have also said that they would always take their sisters side in an argument, no matter if their sister was right or wrong.

Thats the cult of family. It benefits the people inside the family, and it hurts the people outside the family.

Show quote history

I have one younger brother and am fiercely protective of him. We have a few mutual friends, some of whom I like a lot, but none of them is anywhere near as important to me as my brother. He’s doesn’t fall out with people as a matter of course, so if he fell out with any of our mutuals badly enough cut them off then I’d expect there to be a good reason for it. I wouldn’t care enough about the friend to carry on seeing them if they’d fallen out with my brother that badly. if the side effect of that is hurting someone outside my family I don’t see that as in any way significant or my problem

Morningsleepin · 09/05/2025 17:50

My dd, whom I adore, still gives out to me because I haven't stopped talking to one of my best friends because dd fell out with her

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread