Keep feeling disappointed/hurt by close friends. Or is it me?

[Rosewatersparkles]

I’ve been wanting to post this for a couple of months but haven’t been able to know how to word things. Going to try not to drop feed!

I’ve always had a smaller circle of 5 friends who I have known now for at least 20 years. I have made friends here and there across the years but none who I would call close.

I love these friends dearly. I really do. But I’ve been feeling a bit… hurt? Over the last couple of years.

We are all in our 30’s and have kids and partners.

I just feel like I bend over backwards for these friends and have definitely prioritised their feelings too much (that’s a me problem) but I always show up for them and feel disappointed in what I get back.

I’m talking ignoring messages, cancelling on me for reasons like the dogs sick, Childs sick, I’m sick (multiple times in a row last minute then clearly well enough to go out same day with others) forgetting my events but I always prioritise, remember and am there for theirs “oh did you say Friday for your birthday meal? I thought it was Saturday so can’t go now”. Use me for emotional support and either not there for me or send me short replies back. Things like expect me to be at events for them / birthdays and helping out but when it’s mine or children’s birthdays I’m lucky to get a text.

I know I probably should take a step back, but I’m just getting upset really. Am I expecting too much?

They are not nice people and will always put themselves first. You are a nice person and put others first, but you're the one who's upset so clearly this isn't working for you! Time to put yourself first and distance yourself from these people.

You're that "safe pair of hands" friendship. Time to get some more main character energy, start being less available

Stop bending backwards for them and adjust your expectations. Focus on yourself and don’t do things/favours if you don’t want to. Perhaps you are trying to please them too much, that never ends well.

This is EXACTLY what someone has called me in the past.

@MakingItRight that’s an interesting perspective, I’ve been feeling a bit like the OP with one particular friend and I think you’ve hit the nail on head! Main character energy all the way!

The thing is I probably am a people pleaser but I genuinely feel like, it’s just me so I struggle to ignore texts or pretend not to care about others life issues even though they’re not always there for me

Try branching out while maintaining the friendship loosely. Go to things if you want. Respond to things if you want. But dedicate your time and energy to creating new friendships and new interests. Take up:oainting, singing, fell walking, cinema—whatever you don’t already do. Start a knitting group.

—don’t organize things for them or ask them to come to yours. Only go to them if they are hosting and then only if its convenient and fun for you. Stop fussing over them and praising them or commenting on their socials. Its all energy down the drain. Save it for your next set of friends.

I spoke to my brother the other day and he said I was the safe friend because people cancel on me or don’t always give me the same energy back but I always just stay the same friend to them.

Archive their whatsapps so you don't immediately see their messages and take a day to reply to them.

Every other time they ask you to be somewhere or do something say "I can't, sorry! X" and don't explain why.

Try it for a month

Thank you. I do think it’s time I make some new friends.

My friend who has cancelled on me over 6 times now in a row who had flu the other day but managed to see photos of her at bar with her boyfriend has asked to see me next week, maybe I should say no

Or my friend who last minuite pulled out of my birrhday event is arranging hers for august. Maybe I should be unavailable

I once had a couple of friends like that. One was more flaky than the other re cancelling events/get togethers but I supported them both through various dramas in their personal lives. Didn't really get the same back when I needed it, but ok, not everyone can do the whole "shoulder to cry on" thing well so I accepted that.
But what finally did it for me was when neither of them remembered both my birthday and my child's first birthday, and christmas. Since they both had children a long time before me, I'd always remembered theirs and gave a gift or money for birthdays and Christmas. And both knew I'd had to go through ten years of fertility investigations and then IVF before becoming pregnant. I didn't expect to hear nothing from either of them.
So that was the end of that, I realised I didn't want or need people who take more than they give (in every way) in my life.
I'd step back if I were you, you deserve better friends.

Hi OP, I can relate- same age, same circumstances, same small long term friendship group.

I’m just not a bailer by nature; if I make plans with someone then I turn up and I don’t make plans that I don’t want to do. As such, I find it incredibly frustrating when people repeatedly cancel, at the last minute, with no real reason.

I think the key is to have some honest conversations with people about how it makes you feel and the disappointment when they cancel on you.

You might find that some people have different needs/ expectations of their friends. I know my love language is quality time, which is why it upsets me, but another friend said that they only felt the need to socialise twice a year. Now that I know that, I can adjust my expectations.

Thank you for this. I always feel like I’m that friend they can bail on last minuite but then they manage to keep their plans with others. I think it’s because they know I’m safe, won’t kick off and will just re arrange. Where as others aren’t as available for them and they know that.

Maybe it’s time to stop being safe.

I started calling people out on it, so they knew that if they wanted to maintain the friendship they had to start putting in some effort.

@Rosewatersparkles oh gosh! I could have written this post! I honestly thought it was a me problem, since I was the common denominator I guess. However, once I hit my 40s it was like ding! I finally realised that I’m that friend reserved for trauma dumping or being the responsible’ one to practically help in some way. I was so naive and trusting that it took a while to realise that whenever I needed the same, people go quiet on me. If I tried to arrange something like an afternoon out it would be seemingly impossible. The final straw for me was when the closest one I found out accidentally was organising a trip to Italy with a long lost school friend she’d recently connected with yet was unable to even give me time for a brunch date! So anyway that was the final straw but I’ve let that friendship go now.

After recently dumping my controlling ex as well, I actually have none around me now! 😅 But I feel mentally happier and lighter knowing no one is selfishly ‘using’ and constantly draining me anymore.

So what do you think you need to do?

I don’t want to completely ditch and dump these friends. But I know I need to start putting myself friend and being less available. I’ve started to feel like the “oh I need someone to vent to so I’ll message x as she’s always a quick replied” or a “I can just cancel on x and just say I’m sick again and she’ll believe it and we can just meet next week”

Sorry you understand the feeling

I think we are the common denominator in that we let people walk over us and that’s why they all do it

@Rosewatersparkles Unfortunately the only person you can rely on is yourself. I found people are around when you can do things for them, but when you can't they quietly disappear.

Stop being constantly available. Stop helping. Do what is covenient for you. Treat them like they treat you. You may find they respect you more.

OP if you think you might find it hard to go distant/cooller with them you could experiment with being more demanding

If they've been good friends for years then they're not likely to have changed into people who will walk all over you. Friendships wax and wane and wax again over the course of years.

Everyone with young kids feels pressures and everyone handles them differently, cancelling easily and dry texting can be part of that. I get very sensitive to rejection or perceived rejection, so I do sort of understand why it's hurting, I think.

But there are always other friends out there, so don't keep yourself tied to them. Take a deep breath, put it down to life being a bit of a steamroller for them, and spread your wings a bit.

Time to get some more main character energy, start being less available

I was about to write a carefully worded post about this from my preferred, carefully psychodynamic perspective but actually, this absolutely nails it. 💥💥💥

Phrased so memorably - ace. Applicable to so many situations and I'm going to deploy it everywhere. Will have it tattooed on my wrist JIC i forget

Find new friends and allow yourself to grow out of the childhood friendships that aren’t satisfying you anymore. As your new friends fill your time it will happen by itself.

My friend who has cancelled on me over 6 times now in a row who had flu the other day but managed to see photos of her at bar with her boyfriend has asked to see me next week; maybe I should say no.

What you should do is agree to meet up, then cancel at the last minute.

Or my friend who last minute pulled out of my birthday event is arranging hers for August. Maybe I should be unavailable.

Again - tell her you're going, then make an excuse at the last minute.

Play this lot at their own game.

And find some new friends @Rosewatersparkles, who will appreciate you and enjoy being with you.