Keep feeling disappointed/hurt by close friends. Or is it me?

[Rosewatersparkles]

I’ve been wanting to post this for a couple of months but haven’t been able to know how to word things. Going to try not to drop feed!

I’ve always had a smaller circle of 5 friends who I have known now for at least 20 years. I have made friends here and there across the years but none who I would call close.

I love these friends dearly. I really do. But I’ve been feeling a bit… hurt? Over the last couple of years.

We are all in our 30’s and have kids and partners.

I just feel like I bend over backwards for these friends and have definitely prioritised their feelings too much (that’s a me problem) but I always show up for them and feel disappointed in what I get back.

I’m talking ignoring messages, cancelling on me for reasons like the dogs sick, Childs sick, I’m sick (multiple times in a row last minute then clearly well enough to go out same day with others) forgetting my events but I always prioritise, remember and am there for theirs “oh did you say Friday for your birthday meal? I thought it was Saturday so can’t go now”. Use me for emotional support and either not there for me or send me short replies back. Things like expect me to be at events for them / birthdays and helping out but when it’s mine or children’s birthdays I’m lucky to get a text.

I know I probably should take a step back, but I’m just getting upset really. Am I expecting too much?

I can relate to this OP. This week, I called some friends out on it in our WhatsApp group and feel so much better. Whereas it had been taking at least a week to get a reply (sometimes more), amazingly they responded within half an hour.

I would be calling them out on it if they cancel on you but go out with others.
Along the lines of 'so glad you made such a miraculous recovery - you sounded like you were at death's door this morning - what's your secret?
Flaky shits

You need to start valuing yourself more. Do not be constantly available for people who put you last, you're worth more than that. Match their energy. If they pull out of plans regularly, act completely unbothered but make sure you're not free for whatever date they want to rearrange for:

"Oh, you need to cancel? No problem. Oh no sorry, next Wednesday won't work for me. I'm busy at the minute but I'll check my calendar to see if I have any free time in the next few weeks later".

(Obviously only if they are treating you like a doormat, I wouldn't do this with friends who had genuine reasons to rearrange!)

I can't think of a way to say this without sounding a bit victim blamey, and that's really not my intention, but people can only treat you how you accept being treated.

If your friends treat you badly, you need to care more about not accepting that kind of treatment than keeping them as friends. I know you don't want to cut them off but if they ditch you once you stop being their backup plan then they are not worth your time or energy.

Hi op, I completely get where you’re coming from. I’ve felt like this from time to time and my sister gets this a lot.

Personally I don’t like doing tit for tat. It’s negative and I think it would make you feel rubbish. I think, let them. (Google let them theory) Let them do what they have to do, for whatever their reasons. In this phase of life it is tricky to keep up plans and see everyone all the time.

You do you. Focus more on yourself, what you can do to make yourself feel more content and confident in yourself. Get genuinely busier. Like others have said bring more main character energy, get a new hobbies, new friends. That will make you happier and busier.

you might find this will revive your older friendships and you’ll all appreciate each other more

x

I’d also add that it’s ok to call people out politely.

oh that’s such a shame you’re not well -again. we were looking forward to seeing you. Hopefully you feel better soon.

Then leave the ball in their court if that’s what you want to do

I had this with a very close friend. Cancelled so many times that I got to the point of just waiting for the cancellation message to arrive in my Whatsapp inbox. I just stopped initiating arrangements because she is so flaky.

Literally understand this, I even say to my husband “I bet one of them will cancel, give it an hour before and I’ll get a text” and guess what, they cancel

Time to look outwards, look at new interests, and meeting new people.
This group are taking you for granted and that’s not good. Too many last minute cancellations yet still going out with others.. that’s a lack of respect.

i wouldn’t bother with a tit for tat, but I’d certainly make myself less available and get busy and involved away from them.

Yes I see I what you mean with tit for tat, will make me seem just as bad

Yes OP, another one here who wears the scars of one sided friendships. It's shit. Old, now ex friend cancelled 6 times in a row, blaming her daughter being sick, yet would make a miraculous recovery whenever another ( better?) social occasion came round. I was incredibly gullible at the time and didn't think she'd stoop so low to make up stories regarding her child's illness, but you live and learn. Once I twigged I followed similar advice given on here with the ' oh, again...that's a shame was looking forward to our meet up' push back texts to try and force her into some self reflection on her poor behaviour, but unfortunately they didn't have the desired effect. In fact, she dug her heels in and became quite bitchy in her responses, so outraged that I was daring to challenge her. I should have realised what sort of friend she was when she once remarked, after another cancelled day out, that she knew I'd understand and wouldn't mind! She had me pegged as a doormat and tbh, I acted like one. It's almost impossible to change the dynamic of friendship when you've lived up to your role as the listener, helper, the one who doesn't ask for anything; you have to move forward and make new friendships with very strong boundaries in place, of what you are willing to accept from the get go.

Friendships can change throughout the years. I'm not the same person I was 20yrs ago and most probably neither are you and your friends. Sometimes people change and outgrow each other. Really close friends can become acquaintances. Maybe that's what you are to some of these women now? They still like you but you're not a priority to them anymore. Your an acquaintance they like spending time with when it suits them and they've nothing better to do.

If someone cancelled on me 6 times in a row I'd have to say something. It's beyond rude and shows a total lack of respect for you.

You really should pull back from people who make you feel bad. It doesn't matter how long you've known them. If they care they'll pick up on it and make an effort with you. If they don't then you haven't lost a friend because they were no longer your friend anyway.

Yes this sounds similar to one of my close friends, dogs ill, cats being sick, daughters being sick, oh now I’ve got it, sorry. posts photo of themselves dressed up drinking wine 6 hours later

Hi op feel the same. Texts seem to be favours check kids runners sizes in my branch. Collect kids cake (thats fine as my sister and they had a mass on) but I wonder would I hear from them otherwise. ! I def dont put myself out now as like you found I remembered all birthdays etc. Mine came zero fuss. Texts to meet are non comittal. Am done with it all.

I replied to one lately ah I leave it up to you now to meet. So up to her. Lol. No reply

I had a significant awakening when I moved abroad for a while. I now don't arrange things too closely together, one friend I have managed to distance to meeting every 2 months and her expectations are now lower. I just say how busy I am. No explanations given and if necessary I make up a few things. Just try saying 'no, sorry I can't make this week at all' etc. You need to find new groups, there must be something you could try, an evening class or reading group. There's so much out there. Also remember you are worth respecting yourself first and others second.

@Roxy69 i'm curious about this significant awakening and why it would make you see friends less.

You sound like a wonderful person @Rosewatersparkles
Kind thoughtful with integrity.
Your friends seem lacking in these qualities.
Friends come into our lives for a reason or a season and occasionally a lifetime.
It's OK to let friendships go when they no longer treat you as you wish to be treated.
As we get older, with life experience, our friendship group may narrow down to just a handful of trusted and valued people.
That's ok.
Less can be more.
Constantly being available to others life drama is exhausting.
Frequent invitations to social occasions can become less appealing.
Conserve your energy for you and your precious loved ones.
Let them go.
If it helps keep a daily journal of your feelings and daily experiences. It can really help to focus the mind and reveal patterns of others when written in black & white.
Don't respond to whassaps texts etc immediately. Give yourself time to process the messages and think about what you really feel & want. Trust your gut instinct.
When you are a people pleaser its so tempting to say yes yes yes immediately to others for fear of missing out or abandonment.
Be your own best friend. Be kind to yourself and others will respect you more when you say no.

That, as you say, is a ‘you’ issue. You seem to have set yourself up as the one who ‘bends over backwards’ for other people and prioritises their feelings over their own. This means you don’t come across to others as someone with their own life, priorities, problems etc because you’ve set yourself up as the subsidiary figure. Have there ever been any repercussions, for instance, for last-minute cancellations, or do you just accept the excuses and pretend it’s fine?

What I’m saying is that you need to accept some responsibility for this situation. To change it you’re going to have to stop peiole-pleasing. Quite apart from it being bad for you, as you’ve discovered, it also doesn’t work.

This is good advice. Once you pull away a bit, genuinely good friends will start to notice and (hopefully) make more of an effort.

As you don’t want to dump these friends, making yourself less available doesn’t necessarily mean declining invitations but putting in place boundaries:

• don’t agree to meet at locations or dates/times that are always more convenient for your friend rather than than to you
• when your friend asks to meet, put the onus on her to suggest dates
• if they ask for your help to organise an event, say you’re extremely busy so you can’t help but look forward to celebrating with her
• match their energy. If they don’t send a birthday text or card or present, then you don’t either
• if they try to dominate the conversation, become more forceful and say what you want to say. Don’t always be the listener.

This isn’t good for you. Firstly think about how bothered are you about a social life? If it’s a big part of who you are then I would start doing some stuff to make new friends, new hobbies/social groups. Also take a step back from the friendship, be less available, be irritated if they let you down. Don’t be afraid to show them how you feel but be careful if you do react to just reaction to that occasion, if you blow up at them because your pissed at every other occasion they let you down you will end up tge bas guy.

I have two old friends, we were very close in our twenties but in our thirties life got busy and it was harder to meet up, both of them became notorious for cancelling. It got to the point where I’d say to dh “I’m seeing x and x on Saturday but it will probably get cancelled.” At some point I got sick of it and started being less available, I stopped suggesting things and I stopped prioritising them over other stuff. I don’t know if they noticed the shift but when I made less effort they both started to make more. I think maybe they took our friendship for granted. We were at a wedding once and someone came over and asked us if we still saw each other all the time and I said no we never see each other we are too busy. I’m not sure if that resonated. We don’t see loads of each other but it’s much more equal now.

I agree with @MakingItRight There’s some good advice on this thread about about stepping back and/or matching their energy, but I would also add, branching out and finding some friends who are as good to you as you are to them. I have 2-3 friends who are incredibly thoughtful and kind and empathetic and around wonderful. Having these people, helps me maintain other friendships, where I still like them and value the friendship, but they are more flaky or less considerate. It’s easier to roll your eyes at Julia always standing you up for a drink, when you had drinks with Erin the night before and secretly don’t mind the idea of a night in. Or easier to deal with when you realise Sophie didn’t text you about [insert bad news here] when 3-4 other friends have texted, called around, brought a bottle of wine.

We teach people how to treat us OP.

Unfortunately you have taught them that no matter how poorly they treat you, you will come back for more.

That shows them that you don't have self respect and self value, so they don't respect and value you.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is the reality.

Matching people's energy is very important in relationships.

Do as suggested and just no longer make any effort, reply to messages days later, make zero arrangements.
Say yes to the birthdays but drop out in August if it suits you.
Do not be available for their venting calls, just ignore.

Meanwhile do as advised, go out and try and make new connections, save your energy for that.

But be aware of how your people pleasing causes people to not value you or your time and start addressing it or the same problems will keep reoccurring.

You deserve better but you need to change, because they won't until you do.

This, people can say 'well they should do this and do that' but they are them and you are you

It is not the same but i feel the same when posters on here say things like 'well I hand make wrapping paper for their children's presents i order from Switzerland and they give my a child a toy from Tesco' you can't pigeon hole people into what you want them to be

It's not your style so just don't commit. Say "I'm not sure because I got another engagement around then". If they ask "Sorry, I'm not allowed to tell".

You need to stop catering to other people. I'm 45 so older than you and feel life is too short to waste it on people who don't respect me. I have very few friends but they are decent, respectful people. Quality and not quantity is the leitmotif.