Keep feeling disappointed/hurt by close friends. Or is it me?

[Rosewatersparkles]

I’ve been wanting to post this for a couple of months but haven’t been able to know how to word things. Going to try not to drop feed!

I’ve always had a smaller circle of 5 friends who I have known now for at least 20 years. I have made friends here and there across the years but none who I would call close.

I love these friends dearly. I really do. But I’ve been feeling a bit… hurt? Over the last couple of years.

We are all in our 30’s and have kids and partners.

I just feel like I bend over backwards for these friends and have definitely prioritised their feelings too much (that’s a me problem) but I always show up for them and feel disappointed in what I get back.

I’m talking ignoring messages, cancelling on me for reasons like the dogs sick, Childs sick, I’m sick (multiple times in a row last minute then clearly well enough to go out same day with others) forgetting my events but I always prioritise, remember and am there for theirs “oh did you say Friday for your birthday meal? I thought it was Saturday so can’t go now”. Use me for emotional support and either not there for me or send me short replies back. Things like expect me to be at events for them / birthdays and helping out but when it’s mine or children’s birthdays I’m lucky to get a text.

I know I probably should take a step back, but I’m just getting upset really. Am I expecting too much?

Stop being a people pleaser and put yourself first. I have two friendship groups, and I don’t feel the need to go to everything, or be ‘besties’ with anyone. They’re not going to ditch me because I can’t make wine night or forget their kid’s birthday (I’d step right out of that one from the start). There’s nothing to stop you staying friends but put yourself first boundaries in place. I do think it’s fine to say, ‘Mavis, you’ve cancelled on me 6 times now. Are you ok?’ She may have social anxiety or a controlling partner who doesn’t like her going out, but at least you’re less likely to be cancelled on next time.

I would not go so far as to cancel as a retaliation but I would feel very free to cancel whatever I got a better offer or just don’t feel like it.

I have a similar situation with a couple of friends and often think I must be to blame or have too high expectations of people who have busy lives. Regardless, if you dont get what you need from a friendship because it's one sided then maybe it's time to invest elsewhere. You dont have to completely drop them but downgrade their friend status. If you expect less from them you'll enjoy them more if and when you manage to catch up.

It isn't as dramatic as it sounds really. I just became aware that I can easily make new friends and the old ones didn't need me as much as I thought. It was just a bit of a change having no friends/relatives. I easily survived and the world didn't stop turning. 😀