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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this wedding

61 replies

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 11:58

My father is getting married for the third time and has asked me to attend his wedding. He is very keen that I attend and is putting pressure on me. It’s a 8 hour round trip (at least) so will mean a whole weekend and paying for my own accommodation. I don’t know his wife to be very well, she is nice but I’ve only met her twice. I would know a few of my own extended family at the wedding but no one else who attends.

I do not see him often - he moved away when I was a teenager and he left my mum for someone else. My partner of many years has only met him once and he doesn’t really know my now adult DC as he hasn’t been around or a present grandparent.

I did not have a close or healthy relationship with him growing up either so his 25 year absence hasn’t really had much impact, but I have felt the impact of having basically no dad and my DC have had no granddad (their other grandad passed away). So we did miss out on having a typical dad experience of help you with DIY, or mend your car. My grandad on my mums side was an amazing man who taught me a lot, my DC didn’t get anything.

I’ve had intermittent low contact with him over the years, he pops up now and again but nothing consistent. I used to be really angry with him but I’ve moved more now to indifference.. I am not sure how much I care anymore?

AIBU to decline this invitation or am I likely to regret it/feel bad?

OP posts:
SkyOfficer · 08/05/2025 12:00

It doesnt sound like you would regret not going.

Has your partner or children been invited? Could you make it into a fun family trip?

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 08/05/2025 12:00

Presumably he wants you to go so he looks good, like he's not a deadbeat. Don't indulge him, say you can't make it, but might attend the next one.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2025 12:04

In the circumstances you describe and since you don’t want to go, fine not to go.

It’s probable from the history you’ve described that your dad pressuring you is for negative motivations (eg what others will think of him), simply the latest in his selfish behaviour.

Pandimoanymum · 08/05/2025 12:04

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 08/05/2025 12:00

Presumably he wants you to go so he looks good, like he's not a deadbeat. Don't indulge him, say you can't make it, but might attend the next one.

This.
Ok, maybe don't say the last bit, tempting though it might be! But no, don't feel obliged to attend. He's not thinking about you at all in this.
If he wants you there that badly, he should be paying your costs.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2025 12:05

He was/is sadly a deadbeat dad and grandad.

Great that you now usually feel indifferent, continue to do what’s best for you!

Icanttakethisanymore · 08/05/2025 12:07

You certainly don't owe him your attendance given the background so if you don't fancy going, don't go.

Endofyear · 08/05/2025 12:10

It doesn't sound like he's ever put himself out for you so there's no reason for you to feel obligated to attend. If you don't want to go, don't go. Only you can decide if you'll regret it or not.

Original poster
Yolomy · 08/05/2025 12:16

I agree I think he will be embarrassed his daughter isn’t at his wedding and that might be more of a motivation than actually rebuilding a relationship with me. But it’s chicken and egg. I can’t expect him to rebuild anything if I don’t attend events, but I’m not 100% convinced it’s about me it’s about him…

I don’t feel I know him or trust him enough to make an accurate judgment so I could end up disappointed. Attending will make him very happy

OP posts:
LadyMargaretPoledancer · 08/05/2025 12:18

Personally, I draw the line at attending two weddings per person, tops 😂

Unless the second spouse died of course.

Did you attend the 2nd wedding? how did that make you feel?

I think it would be a no from me. You're just setting yourself up to be used again.

DrMonjo · 08/05/2025 12:18

Ok, this is going to sound a bit mean but is he wealthy, could there ultimately be an inheritance for you?

ThejoyofNC · 08/05/2025 12:19

Exactly how many of your life events had he attended? How many children's birthdays, Christmases? I think if you ask yourself that your guilt will soon disappear.

bigboykitty · 08/05/2025 12:20

It seems you are very aware of what your father's needs and wishes are and it's hard to focus on your own - years of training, probably. Maybe you could say 'I'm sorry I won't be able to attend your wedding. I'll try and get to the next one if it's not so far away'. Honestly @Yolomy , please yourself. He's not trying to build your relationship. He just wants to manage other people's impressions of him.

Scousemousey · 08/05/2025 12:21

This invitation is about him looking good to other people, I don't think it's him wanting to re-connect with you, sadly.
You know that "matching their energy" saying?
He's had years to make more effort with you, his child. He hasn't. You don't owe him.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 08/05/2025 12:45

Yanbu

He wants you to come for him and his image. Nothing to do with you.

He doesnt want people thinking or asking why his own children aren't in attendance.

Tell him you can't attend as you dont the money to spend. He has a cheek not even offering to part pay the costs.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2025 13:06

It’s probable this is for his sole benefit. He has given you reasons to distrust him. If he wanted to build a relationship with you he’d have done things towards that with you one to one or involving your DH and family.

I had a friend with a v similar scenario, he attended his father’s wedding at a long distance, as did his sibling, their dad was happy then just continued with the low/no contact with his DC and by extension grand DC.

nopineapplepizza · 08/05/2025 13:11

Did he attend all your birthdays? You wedding? Your graduation? Your kids birthdays? Your sports days? Your school performances?

Did he drive you to the hospital when you were in labour? Pick you up from school when you were sick? Help you with your homework and exam revision?

Did he help you write your CV and practice for your first interview? Did he help you move into your first home and move the heavy furniture for you?

I’m going to guess that the answer to most, if not all, of the above is “no”.

A father isn’t a man who shows up once a decade or so, he’s there for your life journey.

Go or don’t go to his wedding, but if you don’t go DO NOT feel guilty about it, I’m sure he didn’t feel any guilt about all the parts of your life that he missed.

ShinyHatStand · 08/05/2025 13:12

How far away in time is it? You could suggest that they both come to visit you first as a first step toward his bride and your family all getting to know each other better before the big wedding event. Whether or not he bothers will tell you everything that need to know.

rookiemere · 08/05/2025 13:13

I would just say you can’t go because you can’t afford the travel or accommodation. If he really wants you there he will stump up for those - but I wouldn’t be booking a thing unless he pays up in advance.

LadyDanburysHat · 08/05/2025 13:13

He has not been around for you. You do not owe him to make him look like a decent parent when he isn't one. I'm also with the previous poster that 2 wedding would be max for any one person for me.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2025 13:13

You could say ‘another time I’d be happy to visit you and your DW, you visit me and my family or we can meet midway’.

I have another friend who puts herself out a lot to attend events etc for family who (IMO!) are crap to her and don’t reciprocate, she has the philosophy of thinking and feeling she’s done everything she can from ‘her end’ for the relationships, which I don’t think would be my approach but it seems to work for her.

MimiGC · 08/05/2025 13:14

Do you have any siblings and are they going?

Loopytiles · 08/05/2025 13:15

OP presumably wasn’t at her parents’ wedding, so to be fair to the ‘no more than twice’ rule it’s likely she’s only attended one of her dad’s weddings! (Thus far)

legalseagull · 08/05/2025 13:15

My dad has been married 5 times. My mum was number 2. I attended two of his weddings, but decided not to go to the 5th, as frankly, he was taking the piss. Like you it would have been a 7/8 hour round trip, with no 'reception', just a quick ceremony
. I felt like I should be getting loyalty card points or something at that stage.

MeltonInTheHeat · 08/05/2025 13:17

Loopytiles · 08/05/2025 12:04

In the circumstances you describe and since you don’t want to go, fine not to go.

It’s probable from the history you’ve described that your dad pressuring you is for negative motivations (eg what others will think of him), simply the latest in his selfish behaviour.

I was going to say this. I think it is unreasonable of him to expect you to play happy families when he could not be bothered.

I'd say go with your gut. resist any emotional manipulation and if he kicks off then that is his problem, not yours.

Eddielizzard · 08/05/2025 13:18

Put the ball in his court by saying you can't afford it. If he wants you there, he can pay. But I think you're right - he's been self centred his whole life, and this is again about him and 'his day'.