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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to this wedding

61 replies

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 11:58

My father is getting married for the third time and has asked me to attend his wedding. He is very keen that I attend and is putting pressure on me. It’s a 8 hour round trip (at least) so will mean a whole weekend and paying for my own accommodation. I don’t know his wife to be very well, she is nice but I’ve only met her twice. I would know a few of my own extended family at the wedding but no one else who attends.

I do not see him often - he moved away when I was a teenager and he left my mum for someone else. My partner of many years has only met him once and he doesn’t really know my now adult DC as he hasn’t been around or a present grandparent.

I did not have a close or healthy relationship with him growing up either so his 25 year absence hasn’t really had much impact, but I have felt the impact of having basically no dad and my DC have had no granddad (their other grandad passed away). So we did miss out on having a typical dad experience of help you with DIY, or mend your car. My grandad on my mums side was an amazing man who taught me a lot, my DC didn’t get anything.

I’ve had intermittent low contact with him over the years, he pops up now and again but nothing consistent. I used to be really angry with him but I’ve moved more now to indifference.. I am not sure how much I care anymore?

AIBU to decline this invitation or am I likely to regret it/feel bad?

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 08/05/2025 13:28

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 12:16

I agree I think he will be embarrassed his daughter isn’t at his wedding and that might be more of a motivation than actually rebuilding a relationship with me. But it’s chicken and egg. I can’t expect him to rebuild anything if I don’t attend events, but I’m not 100% convinced it’s about me it’s about him…

I don’t feel I know him or trust him enough to make an accurate judgment so I could end up disappointed. Attending will make him very happy

He’s had the chance to rebuild. He’s has 25 years. If he wants to do it, he would. There are other ways for him to do it, than inviting you to his wedding. It isn’t up to you to make him happy, it’s up to him to make you happy. I wouldn’t be going.

Karatema · 08/05/2025 13:39

If you can’t afford to attend - tell him! You will soon find out how badly he wants you to attend.

pimplebum · 08/05/2025 13:41

I dunno, maybe make a weekend of it and get to know each other maybe he had changed and wants better relationships ?

I kinda think that if you don’t go you are putting a final nail in the coffin of your relationship, justified, but is that what you want?

justkeepswimingswiming · 08/05/2025 13:42

Nah I wouldn’t go. Why make a effort when he’s had all those years to make a effort and choose not too?

Codlingmoths · 08/05/2025 13:45

ShinyHatStand · 08/05/2025 13:12

How far away in time is it? You could suggest that they both come to visit you first as a first step toward his bride and your family all getting to know each other better before the big wedding event. Whether or not he bothers will tell you everything that need to know.

This is a good idea. And if they don’t, then I’d bin the wedding so fast ‘you know how far it is, I simply can’t manage that weekend. Toby has tennis and Josh soccer and I’d miss both of their games.’
<cough you never came to any of my games dad cough>

TheEllisGreyMethod · 08/05/2025 14:08

I didn't go to my dads third wedding, it was about 15 years ago now.
I don't regret it, he wasn't there for me growing up, I was angry but it moved to indifference.
I don't even think my dad missed me there to be honest.
On the day, I felt a bit sad. But I think I was mourning the relationship we could have had.

Original poster
Yolomy · 08/05/2025 14:18

My sibling refuses to talk to him at all.

I don’t know about money, he inherited 3 times - from his parents, then his 2nd wife's parents when they died, and then shortly after that his 2nd wife died so he inherited all her money as well. But he would tell you he had no money. I assume he spends what he has. And his new wife is a lot younger so she will inherit from him now she will be marrying him, I assume this one might outlive him (I really do think the last one was slightly suspicious) I doubt I would get anything. His siblings shared their parents inheritance with my cousins but he didn’t share any of his with us. He also seems to go for women who got a good divorce settlement… ‘

I went to his 2nd wife’s funeral as I felt it was respect to but I think I could not go to that wedding as I was heavily pregnant way back when.. or had a small baby or something and it was goddamn miles away so I said no.

I can’t recall him coming to any special event in at least 25 years, but then I don’t invite him. He just isn’t here. He has said sorry for being a terrible father but I think he expects this will just fix everything

OP posts:
AlohaRose · 08/05/2025 14:27

I suspect you are correct, and he just wants to make himself look good on the day, it's not the day for attempting to rebuild anything or even have a decent conversation with you. If he really wants to make some amends for all the past years of neglecting you, then surely he would be inviting you and possibly your DH to a dinner or other meet-up just with his new wife. This is all about him isn't it?

Shadowsunray · 08/05/2025 14:29

I wouldn't go if I didn't want to. I don't think absentee parents get to have the pretty picture of their kids turning up to special occasions to make them look good. From the sounds of him, that's why he wants you there. It will make him look bad if you don't turn up to play happy families. And you don't owe him that, he's a bad father, you shouldn't have to play pretend. I'd decline.

Derbee · 08/05/2025 14:41

He hasn’t been there for you, you owe him nothing. He wants you there so he doesn’t look like a shit dad, but that’s what he is.

He’s not there for you, it’s ages away, and it’s a third marriage. Don’t bother.

I always think it’s ridiculous when people get married multiple times and expect everyone to treat it as a serious event.

HideousKinky · 08/05/2025 15:01

The more you say about him, the less it seems you owe him your attendance.
Only go if you would really like to - it's fine to do as you prefer

Rhaidimiddim · 08/05/2025 15:06

Decline and don't feel bad. He has no right to expect attendance fromnyoubwhen he has made so little effort in his relationship with you.

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 15:10

Eek, do you think he bumped off his second wife?

susiedaisy1912 · 08/05/2025 15:14

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 08/05/2025 12:00

Presumably he wants you to go so he looks good, like he's not a deadbeat. Don't indulge him, say you can't make it, but might attend the next one.

This.

outerspacepotato · 08/05/2025 15:17

I'd match his energy during your important moments. This is a big ask due to travel and costs.

I didn't go to my dad's next wedding and have no regrets.

ForOliveMember · 08/05/2025 15:34

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 12:16

I agree I think he will be embarrassed his daughter isn’t at his wedding and that might be more of a motivation than actually rebuilding a relationship with me. But it’s chicken and egg. I can’t expect him to rebuild anything if I don’t attend events, but I’m not 100% convinced it’s about me it’s about him…

I don’t feel I know him or trust him enough to make an accurate judgment so I could end up disappointed. Attending will make him very happy

Aww OP you do not need to attend his wedding for him to want to build a relationship with you. He should want to do that anyway, if you attend his wedding or not.

I'd actually not attend if it wasn't convenient for me and leave the ball in his court, if he wants to make an effort then let it him. He's missed so much, it's really on him to fix it.

Someone2025 · 08/05/2025 15:39

Yolomy · 08/05/2025 11:58

My father is getting married for the third time and has asked me to attend his wedding. He is very keen that I attend and is putting pressure on me. It’s a 8 hour round trip (at least) so will mean a whole weekend and paying for my own accommodation. I don’t know his wife to be very well, she is nice but I’ve only met her twice. I would know a few of my own extended family at the wedding but no one else who attends.

I do not see him often - he moved away when I was a teenager and he left my mum for someone else. My partner of many years has only met him once and he doesn’t really know my now adult DC as he hasn’t been around or a present grandparent.

I did not have a close or healthy relationship with him growing up either so his 25 year absence hasn’t really had much impact, but I have felt the impact of having basically no dad and my DC have had no granddad (their other grandad passed away). So we did miss out on having a typical dad experience of help you with DIY, or mend your car. My grandad on my mums side was an amazing man who taught me a lot, my DC didn’t get anything.

I’ve had intermittent low contact with him over the years, he pops up now and again but nothing consistent. I used to be really angry with him but I’ve moved more now to indifference.. I am not sure how much I care anymore?

AIBU to decline this invitation or am I likely to regret it/feel bad?

Is it likely that he will have children with this new wife do you think….you may at some point have half siblings?

Justmuddlingalong · 08/05/2025 15:53

I would wish him a lovely day but decline the invitation.
If you really wanted to go, you wouldn't be doubting yourself.
His doesn't get to pick and choose when to be in or absent from your life, you have a choice too.

Shadowsunray · 08/05/2025 15:58

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 15:10

Eek, do you think he bumped off his second wife?

If OPs even thinking this she should stay well clear of him and the wedding. Why would anyone want a relationship with someone so dodgy that could have killed their wife.

Fruitbat99 · 08/05/2025 16:00

And what about your happiness? He doesn't seem overly bothered about that?

Hes doing this for appearances.

PluckyCheeks · 08/05/2025 16:00

Shadowsunray · 08/05/2025 15:58

If OPs even thinking this she should stay well clear of him and the wedding. Why would anyone want a relationship with someone so dodgy that could have killed their wife.

Show quote history

Absolutely! And what a twat to have all those inheritances and not give her a penny. Now his new squeeze will be inheriting it. I can’t believe I’m saying his but he sounds worse than my FIL…!

CarpetKnees · 08/05/2025 16:14

If you don't want to go, they don't go, but I can't understand the arguments that get put on threads like this of "I don't see him very often" "Partner has only met him once" "I've only met his partner twice" as being reasons not to attend things.

How do people every expect to build relationships or move relationships on to a better footing, if they refuse to accept invitations to things ?
Of course you've not met them often if you don't invite them to things you do, and you turn down invitations to things they do.

As I say - don't go if you don't want to, but that is odd reasoning to me.

PullTheBricksDown · 08/05/2025 16:16

Yeah, notice how he's 'very keen' for you to attend but is making no effort himself that might help with that, like paying for a room for you. Tell him you're just too busy with family commitments 'you know how it is, dad!' 👍

DrMonjo · 08/05/2025 17:12

Well, given the potential inheritance is low, you could attend on a scratch the itch, long term bet. If it comes good, there you go. It's a window into his world, satisfy yourself your not missing out.
I wouldn't drag my kids up there though

5128gap · 08/05/2025 17:16

Tell him you'll give this one a miss, but will try and make the next one if it's a bit easier to travel to. Seriously, no, I'd not go.