To not go to this wedding

[Yolomy]

My father is getting married for the third time and has asked me to attend his wedding. He is very keen that I attend and is putting pressure on me. It’s a 8 hour round trip (at least) so will mean a whole weekend and paying for my own accommodation. I don’t know his wife to be very well, she is nice but I’ve only met her twice. I would know a few of my own extended family at the wedding but no one else who attends.

I do not see him often - he moved away when I was a teenager and he left my mum for someone else. My partner of many years has only met him once and he doesn’t really know my now adult DC as he hasn’t been around or a present grandparent.

I did not have a close or healthy relationship with him growing up either so his 25 year absence hasn’t really had much impact, but I have felt the impact of having basically no dad and my DC have had no granddad (their other grandad passed away). So we did miss out on having a typical dad experience of help you with DIY, or mend your car. My grandad on my mums side was an amazing man who taught me a lot, my DC didn’t get anything.

I’ve had intermittent low contact with him over the years, he pops up now and again but nothing consistent. I used to be really angry with him but I’ve moved more now to indifference.. I am not sure how much I care anymore?

AIBU to decline this invitation or am I likely to regret it/feel bad?

It seems to be quite usual for the children to attend their parents weddings now.

This! You are there for show since he's not otherwise keen to stay in touch. Tell him you don't have that money to spend on trip / accomodation.

He didn’t follow the doctors advice and encouraged her to ignore it as well. He really was a big part in something avoidable but ultimately she knew the risks and chose not to follow the advice herself so no he didn’t bump her off. I just know he was complicit in it all because it was inconvenient and unpalatable for him. It would have affected him to follow the advice

Oh that’s awful. Sounds a bit like my FIL.

Say that you can’t afford it. The fact that you don’t want to afford it means it is true.

He sounds awful. You really don’t need to go. Let him reap what he sowed.

So I did not go. Reflection that I didn’t feel I could justify the sacrifice of time and money that I would be basically taking away from my family to spend on HIS happiness. I am not usually a transactional love person with family but it feels wrong to take resources from my loved ones to waste on him.

anyway before I had declined the invite his new wife had posted a weird comment on my social media that felt very much like pressure to attend and made me feel uncomfortable. I politely declined and of course didn’t get any meaningful response about how he wants any other opportunity to rebuild a relationship on less expensive, performative or demanding terms.

They posted photos online. One was a photo board of memories friends and family, and not one single one was of his children or grandchildren. He looked happy but I didn’t recognise anyone in attendance so perhaps he is fine with having no family so just keeps making new families 😂

Tell him money is tight and he needs to pay for accommodation and train and taxi tickets for your family if he wants you there.

Edit: cross post sorry. I'm glad you didn't go.

Seems like you made the right decision op.

Sorry to hear that you didn't get the dad you deserved.
It appears he has been consist in his neglectful behaviour over the years so that should remove doubt when you need to weigh up future situations.

I get huge satisfaction out of being a better parent than the way I have been parented.

He doesn’t want to have to explain your absence. In your shoes, I wouldn’t bother. He’s made his bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’d not go if I didn’t want to.
Just decline his invitation as you don’t owe him anything