To feel unsure about reconnecting after this message?

[KindTaupeHelper]

A former friend I haven’t spoken to in over two years sent me a long message out of the blue on WhatsApp last night. For context, I last messaged her in January 2023 (which she ignored) and I eventually deleted her number. Before things went quiet, I had invited her on a birthday trip abroad, which she bailed on without much warning and didn’t acknowledge my birthday at all. At the time, I was hurt but eventually moved on.

Back then, she said she couldn’t come because her workplace wouldn’t give her annual leave - it sounded like a reasonable excuse. But in her message now, she says “I made an excuse and avoided you” so I guess that explanation wasn’t true or at least not the full story. That made it feel worse honestly.

Here’s part of what she said (edited for length): Hi KTH, I’d like to apologise for missing your birthday and not going abroad with you. I know some time has passed but I wanted to give you some context. This has stayed with me and I’ve felt ashamed. I was struggling when I moved - new job, new place, grieving my partner - and I got overwhelmed. I made an excuse and avoided you, which I regret. I don’t expect a response but I’d be happy if you were up for catching up.”

I do appreciate the apology and I think she means it sincerely. But part of me still feels unsettled. It’s been over two years and I had to process the silence and let it go. I’m not sure how I feel about opening the door again, even slightly.

AIBU to feel unsure and would it be unreasonable to keep my distance, even though she apologised?

What exactly is ‘unsettling’ you? The fact that you believed her excuse at the time and she’s now told you it was a lie or at least not the whole story? Do you want to revive this friendship? There’s no rush in deciding, surely?

Hmm. Tricky one. The fact that she was grieving and had a new job and new home, I’d assume her life was completely turned upside down and she wasn’t in the right headspace and wasn’t thinking clearly. Maybe she thought you wasn’t supporting her enough? That doesn’t excuse her not contacting you for over two years though.
I suppose it depends how close you were to her and how long you’d been friends etc and whether you’d like to be friends again? If you do want to have her back in your life then I’d probably forgive her but I’d still be wary.

It’s a mix of things. Yes, part of it is that I believed her excuse at the time and now I realise it wasn’t the truth. It’s not just that she didn’t come - it’s that she didn’t tell me the real reason and then she ghosted me completely, including not replying to my last message. I was left confused and hurt.

Now that she’s reached out two years later with an apology, I do appreciate it but I feel cautious. I’m not sure if I want to revive the friendship or if it’s better to leave it in the past. You’re right, there’s no rush. I guess I just wanted a bit of perspective on whether feeling this mixed is normal or unreasonable.

I realise it must have been hurtful for you but I don't think she committed the crime of the century, and it's taken a lot for her to message you and put her balls on the line and explain. I would forgive and forget and maybe explore why she didn't feel she could reach out to you for help

Let her go, she’s probably upset someone else since and is short of friends. I would ignore it like she did you, can’t stand flaky people.

It takes courage to be honest and apologise.
Even if you decide not to meet I would acknowledge her apology.

You never know what someone is going through. There are times I've ignored people because I couldn't face talking to anyone and left messages unread for days and after that you think it's too late.

I would cautiously reconnect if you want to, it could mean a lot to them if they were a good friend

I do get that her life was probably overwhelming at the time and I don’t hold the grief or newness of her situation against her… I just wish she’d communicated rather than disappearing completely. We’d been friends for a good few years and were close at one point, which is probably why it hit so hard.

I don’t think it was about be not supporting her - she never said she was struggling until now and I’d invited her on a birthday trip which she seemed excited about at the time. So hearing that the excuse she gave was just that - an excuse - adds to the mixed feelings.

I’m not sure yet whether I want the friendship back, but like you said, even if I do, I’d definitely be cautious.

It’s up to you. I don’t think she’s unreasonable to send a message. What she did wasn’t ideal but it sounds as if she had a lot on her plate. You wouldn’t be unreasonable not to want to reconnect either, really, but if you don’t want to catch up, I’d at least message back telling her as much, something like ‘’Hi friend, I hope you’re well! I understand you had a lot going on and I truly am sorry for that, but you ghosting me suddenly really hurt and I wouldn’t want to go through that again. It upset me that, as a friend, you felt you couldn’t tell me or that you thought I wouldn’t respect your need for space. I’ve moved on from the friendship. I hope you understand. Take care, KTH’’ then block her so she can’t keep messaging.

People handle grief and depression differently
Some find themselves cutting people off because they just can't face having to talk, be sociable and act "normal", some become very clingy and needy and some just don't seem different at all until they breakdown

She gave you an excuse because she was in a bad place and drowning under her emotions. It wasn't intended as a conscious decision to cut you off.

"Thank you for the message, it did hurt that you cut me off although I can see you were struggling. How about we meet for a coffee and take things from there?"

Then if you don't feel "right" during that you can say it's not working but it might just reconnect you both

I would cut her some slack. I am going through something similar to what she went through. As said above, people handle things different. Some hide inside their shell and are unable to share their emotions with anyone. I know I am doing this right now, letting friendships fade, even though I genuinely care about these people. At some point soon, I am going to need these friendships back, and I hope they will be open to re-connect. But right now, I just cant face anyone. Sounds like she has done the same.

She was grieving and you were partying, she couldn't face it and couldn't tell you why, so made up a reasonable excuse. I don't blame her, I would probably have done the same. She's feeling better and has reached out and been honest (probably) if you liked her before all of this why not give it a go, a cup of coffee and a chat isn't going to hurt and after that whatever you think.

Do whichever you feel comfortable with.

In her defence though, I can completely understand the wanting to switch off from life, and just almost turn the tv to the in between stations ‘fuzz’ that you used to be able to do. I think if you’re not wired that way you (completely understandably) won’t ’get it’, and that’s fine. But it sounds like something I could do, and not mean any malice whatsoever, it’s simply the only choice available at that time. But I would also accept that you are under no obligation to accept that behaviour as something you want in your life.

It’s still puzzling to me that her excuse is what you’re fixated on here. I can understand being hurt that she withdrew completely for two years, and that you may have mourned the friendship and moved on in your head, but I think it’s very harsh to hyper focus on someone telling you a semi-lie because she wasn’t willing or able to tell you how overwhelmed she was by her move, new job and the end of a relationship (or a death — it’s not entirely clear?)

I’ve had to pull out of a weekend abroad with my sister at very short notice and to give her a half-excuse because I’m nowhere near ready to tell her the real reason (because it’s very ugly, and is going to have an impact on her too.)

I agree with this. A few years ago I went through a very hard time. I could not face talking to anyone. I ignored calls from friends and family because I just could not answer the phone and speak. Until I went through this I would have not understood your friends position but can completely understand now.

I would acknowledge her apology and wish her well if you don't want to go further.

I think you sound like an awful selfish friend. She lost her partner, had her whole life turn upside down and you’re upset because she made an excuse to not celebrate your birthday?! And then she clearly retreated in on herself.

Im guessing you’ve never been through grief or turmoil.

She had just lost her partner? I would totally understand why she wasn’t in the right headspace to socialise and I wouldn’t have been upset about her not communicating about a birthday. I think if anything it would have triggered me to look after her a bit more as a friend rather than delete her number, I think you sound really cold.

You've both moved on so reconnecting as friends might be hard. You could respond by saying you're glad she's doing better now and leave it at that.

You don't have to catch up with her, but an acknowledgement that she wrote about her situation might be a good way to close it

I know some people choose to lie about their reasons for going nc though so if something feels off about what she said, go with your gut. A happy birthday was never going to cost her anything, that sticks out to me as having not just headspace issues with contacting you. But you know the person and situations better than me so go with your gut instinct

Is she an addict of some kind? Contacting people she's offended/lied to/wronged in order to feel like her conscience is clear?

She doesn't sound like a bad person and she wasn't sulking with you, just struggling generally. It's up to you, but if there's no backstory where she's unpleasant or habitually flaky, I'd probably get back in touch.

Her partner died, so she was grieving and probably had massive changes to her living situation, finances etc (assuming they lived together), you invited her to a group holiday, which she thought she could attend and then realised she couldn’t (grief often make you not want to party 🤷‍♀️) and then you stepped away from her for a couple of years?

I’m assuming no one you have ever loved has died? Because I really don’t think you’ve treated your friend very well at all.

She was dealing with one of the toughest things that anyone ever has to go through, and you’re pissed off that she didn’t celebrate your birthday with you and went quiet? Really?

I think you must have had such a lucky life that you don’t understand true hardship, loss, grief or depression.

Agree with this approach. I think when I was younger I might have just written somebody off, but the older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve realised how complicated people’s lives can be, and that people respond to things in all kinds of different and imperfect ways. Her taking the path of least resistance for herself and using annual leave as an excuse because she wasn’t ready to explain that she was grieving and struggling - and probably didn’t want to burden you with any of that when you were excited about a big birthday trip - is understandable. It’s not uncommon for people struggling with depression to feel useless and invisible and just think “well, nobody’s going to care if I’m there or not, I’m not going to make a difference to them” rather than realise that the person they’re letting down does think they’re important.

I think if one of my good friends lost their partner I'd be contacting them more, not less, so they knew I was there for them when they were ready.
I think your friend has been really hurt by you at a time they needed you and has been very brave in contacting you again.
If I were in your position, I would reply & apologise back about not being there for them when they needed you & then see where the friendship goes from here.

Just from what you posted, it's obvious the friendship is very over. I agree with previous posters that acknowledging her message and apologising for not being there for her would be appropriate, but I wouldn't go further. You weren't what she needed then and it's likely you're not what she needs now, given you've fixated on her rather commonplace and socially-acceptable excuse for bailing at a horrible time in her life.