To feel unsure about reconnecting after this message?

[KindTaupeHelper]

A former friend I haven’t spoken to in over two years sent me a long message out of the blue on WhatsApp last night. For context, I last messaged her in January 2023 (which she ignored) and I eventually deleted her number. Before things went quiet, I had invited her on a birthday trip abroad, which she bailed on without much warning and didn’t acknowledge my birthday at all. At the time, I was hurt but eventually moved on.

Back then, she said she couldn’t come because her workplace wouldn’t give her annual leave - it sounded like a reasonable excuse. But in her message now, she says “I made an excuse and avoided you” so I guess that explanation wasn’t true or at least not the full story. That made it feel worse honestly.

Here’s part of what she said (edited for length): Hi KTH, I’d like to apologise for missing your birthday and not going abroad with you. I know some time has passed but I wanted to give you some context. This has stayed with me and I’ve felt ashamed. I was struggling when I moved - new job, new place, grieving my partner - and I got overwhelmed. I made an excuse and avoided you, which I regret. I don’t expect a response but I’d be happy if you were up for catching up.”

I do appreciate the apology and I think she means it sincerely. But part of me still feels unsettled. It’s been over two years and I had to process the silence and let it go. I’m not sure how I feel about opening the door again, even slightly.

AIBU to feel unsure and would it be unreasonable to keep my distance, even though she apologised?

Sounds sincere. She obviously wasn't in a good place back then.

I had a kind of similar situation a few years back. Couldn't make it to a friends birthday weekend because I had to work. I couldn't not be at work that weekend. We had been friends for years. She blocked me straight away. I was so sad. I reached out a couple of years ago to apologise again but she was very cold in her reply and obviously did not want a relationship any longer. I still miss her but she clearly couldn't forgive me.

Did her partner die and she had to move? If that's the case and she didn't attend your party you should cut her some slack. Unless you've lost a significant other or direct family member you've no idea how absoutely earth shattering it is - partying is not what you feel like. Yes she could/should have made contact - but really give her some grace.

I think it sounds like a nice, sincere and well-worded apology.

Did her partner die? I would cut her some serious slack if so.

You probably have moved on by now and there's nothing wrong with that. I would message back immediately and thank her for the apology, acknowledge her loss again and say you hope things are looking better for her now.

But for me (I'm in a very similar situation currently) I would think too much water under the bridge / damage has been done sort of scenario (with blame on both sides) and a reconciliation would probably seem rather forced. But, that's just me. I like to be fluid in my relationships and I hate being enmeshed with tricky people.

Yanbu but that apology seems honest and sincere… her partner died? That’s awful. I’d accept that apology if it were me.

Ghosting someone is shit, regardless of the reasons.

It’s one thing to tell someone you’re not in the right headspace right now, but to lie before ghosting someone isn’t ok.

She could have said that she wasn’t in the right headspace, so why did she lie? If the OP knew about what she’d gone through surely there was 0 reason to lie rather than just say no. But instead the OP sent her back an understanding message and then never heard from her again until she was ready.

I wouldn’t necessarily cut her off, but it wouldn’t be a close friendship any more, as I’d be expecting to be ghosted at every turn.

I think it’s a brave and thoughtful message and would certainly forgive her and reconnect.

I’ve had something very similar before and was so glad the person got back in touch. I’d hate to lose a friend because I’d stubbornness or feeling too much time had passed.

I'd ring her and talk it through before deciding whether to meet up.

She obviously went through something huge, and dealt with it badly. She's owning that, and the affect it must have had on you.

It would have been far far easier for her to never send that message. The fact that she's done so means that this must have been eating away at her for the past few years.

If nothing else, I think I'd want to reply. No, you didn't get closure on your friendship, and that's her fault. But you can either not reply and let this continue eating away at her, or you can be the bigger person and give her the closure she's now tried to give you.

Whether you want to maintain the friendship after that, it's up to you. It sounds like you used to enjoy her company, and that would probably be enough for me to maintain a surface level friendship with her. Would I be making holiday plans with her or expect to be able to rely on her when times got rough? No, but I could still enjoy a night out or catchup with her.

Mental health is real. And as part of that people may need space and will push people away. It sounds like she is now in a better place. You can either understand that and see it from her perspective or not. It I was her I would rather you decline to see me as you’re not able to empathise and are thinking only of yourself

Did her partner die?

She sounds like she was very depressed. I think I would let it go. The most simple of things can seem impossible when you are very very depressed.

I feel so sorry for her and you.

As you know she was feeling so overwhelmed that this was one more thing that she couldn’t deal with. And yes, it was a fun thing, but anything fun can sometimes highlight just how rubbish you feel.

Also, I find that I can’t talk to some friends about things that I am really worried about. I can’t talk to the friends that I know will see straight through my bravado. It’s easier to just crack on and keep it light and then talk about the bad times later.

I should imagine she just felt so awful that she just couldn’t see you. You hadn’t done anything wrong, just it was too much and she needed to heads down and tunnel through.

Her apology sounds heartfelt and I think that a phone call would be a lovely thing to do.

At the time when she ghosted you, what did you think was the reason? Did you know she was grieving?

Well aren’t you charming?

Why? Because I wouldn’t let a friend treat me like shit, disappear from life and walk back in again?

The op came on here asking for opinions, I gave one. I did not come on asking for your opinion so DFOD.

That’s the issue with posting on a public forum: you don’t get to decide who responds to you unfortunately.

Now back to the actual point of the thread. People make mistakes. They’re human like that. And when someone has owned and genuinely apologised for their mistake the more mature approach would be to not call them names. But I can see that you are incapable of that my dear.

And I am at liberty to stick your unwanted comments where the sun doesn’t shine. Happy Thursday Ms Virtuous.

YANBU

She ditched you and then after 2 years wants to reconnect.

Maybe she is feeling lonely and has been ditched by all her other friends.

But it's up to you.

If you don't want to it is totally understandable.

Seriously, who hurt you?

The ex friend, apparently.

It ruined her for all other Mumsnetters.

I'm gonna go against the grain and say yabu

You lead the post with she missed your birthday and said it was because of work and then just didn't respond to your messages

But then, buried and not explicitly mentioned, was that she was suffering a bereavement!! And not just of anyone, but of her partner!

You were unreasonable then and are now. It sounds like she deserves a friend who is mature enough to see what she was going through, and know that, in that context, a birthday celebration just doesn't matter!

Someone withdrawing due to grief is a really worrying thing, I would've been concerned, not deciding 'welp, she missed my birthday and hasn't responded to my last message, now she's an ex friend.'

The poor thing. I hope she has peace in her life now ✨️

Your post, and saying that you'd be wary of her, tells me what you do not want to be friends with her. I'd leave her alone, she deserves real friendship and love.

Sorry to be harsh, but your op really reads badly

Well it’s nice she has an outlet I guess.

I imagine she's been silent for at least some of those two years out of embarrassment. Like many other posters, I tend to withdraw when struggling and depressed, and it sounds like she was having a really difficult time. Not talking to you may have been no sign at all of how much she cares about you but just how she reacted in that time of great stress. I think it's interesting you didn't mention yourself that she was either in the wake of bereavement or a break up at the time when you set the scene.

She's apologising and clearly sees you as a valuable friend to put herself on the line like this and I hope you give her the chance to mend the friendship.

Her partner died?

That's going to put even the most resilient of people into a tailspin.

She lost a partner, had to move and change jobs. That is 3 of the biggest life stressors there are and all in a short period of time. You seemed to have really dropped the rope once she told you no over the trip and not been much of a supportive friend through some of the worst hardships life can throw your way.

I don't think you have much to offer her as a real friend.

It takes a lot to reach out and be honest. I’d thank her for the message at least. Whether you want to reconcile is a different matter, only you know.