To feel unsure about reconnecting after this message?

[KindTaupeHelper]

A former friend I haven’t spoken to in over two years sent me a long message out of the blue on WhatsApp last night. For context, I last messaged her in January 2023 (which she ignored) and I eventually deleted her number. Before things went quiet, I had invited her on a birthday trip abroad, which she bailed on without much warning and didn’t acknowledge my birthday at all. At the time, I was hurt but eventually moved on.

Back then, she said she couldn’t come because her workplace wouldn’t give her annual leave - it sounded like a reasonable excuse. But in her message now, she says “I made an excuse and avoided you” so I guess that explanation wasn’t true or at least not the full story. That made it feel worse honestly.

Here’s part of what she said (edited for length): Hi KTH, I’d like to apologise for missing your birthday and not going abroad with you. I know some time has passed but I wanted to give you some context. This has stayed with me and I’ve felt ashamed. I was struggling when I moved - new job, new place, grieving my partner - and I got overwhelmed. I made an excuse and avoided you, which I regret. I don’t expect a response but I’d be happy if you were up for catching up.”

I do appreciate the apology and I think she means it sincerely. But part of me still feels unsettled. It’s been over two years and I had to process the silence and let it go. I’m not sure how I feel about opening the door again, even slightly.

AIBU to feel unsure and would it be unreasonable to keep my distance, even though she apologised?

Not really the same. Your friend acted like a spoiled brat. You're better off without her.

It sounds like a genuine apology to me, and no doubt she thought long and hard about putting herself out there and risking rejection by you. But she values your friendship enough to try to patch things up. As it's totally understandable to withdraw when your life is in turmoil, if I were you I would definitely reply and say that you've missed her, felt hurt at the time but can understand now she's explained the real reasons, and that you'd like to meet for a coffee or something and then take it from there.

Simply put, be the bigger person here.

I'd not want to catch up personally. It takes a really scummy person to do that, its just nastiness. Depends how harsh you want to be but I'd probably reply something like.

Hi X

I do appreciate the apology and wish you all the best but I'm not up for rekindling the friendship. You let me down last minute and then blanked me for years, leaving me wondering if it was something I'd done. Ghosting is a really horrible thing to do to a friend and I'd rather not have that kind of negativity in my life. I do appreciate that you regret it but regret doesn't change anything.

Regards
OP

You did read that this person had been bereaved?

Your response is far nastier than anything the OP's erstwhile friend has done.

I fully agree with this. She has been brave and honest - it's not easy to reach out like that, knowing you may well be ignored or even get a nasty response back.

It's not as though she is trying to brush off or ignore what happened. She has acknowledged that she behaved badly and proved an explanation.

Wow you've really burying the lede in your post haven't you, OP!

You feel let down that she bailed on your birthday trip, fair enough. But 2 years later she is brave enough to reach out and admit she was struggling with a lot of personal things, including a bereavement of a partner!! And you're focusing on the fact that she told a white lie while she was struggling.

I do wonder if some of the posts here didn't see the fact that the lady had suffered a bereavement. And it sounds like she had to move and get a new job as a result of bereavement.

@KindTaupeHelper you did really hide that bit of information.

I saw and commented, but had my post deleted. Apparently we are not allowed to criticise how OP behaved towards a bereaved friend. A birthday is just as important as the death of a loved one, yes mumsnet.

You don't have to resume the friendship but it would be kind to reply and say something like "Hi Janice, thanks for getting in touch. I appreciate and accept the apology and I'm sorry you went through such a hard time - I hope things are easier now. Please don't dwell on this, all forgiven and no hard feelings from my side. Wishing you well. KTH."

She sounds like she was completely overwhelmed. It can be difficult to explain that to people who aren’t going to get it tbh.

She wants to reconnect and has made herself vulnerable inviting you. You don’t have to respond but I think it would be useful to try and understand her perspective before you do.

Some people retreat into themselves when they are struggling. I do. Perhaps telling you the white lie was an easier way to let you down than going into all her struggles. Sometimes I don’t want to share my problems. I just want to retreat.

I would forgive and forget if she’s a good friend.

on a slightly harsher (to you) note, I’m surprised that you - knowing she was in the middle of done fairly major life shit - didn’t reach out to her more.

There’s also a tendency - and your friend likely didn’t know whether it would be your response or not - when somebody says they’re not feeling up to an event because emotional reasons, for friends to come out with the whole “oh, but if you’re feeling like that you should totally come, it’ll make you feel better, you don’t want to be moping on your own all weekend, and I’d really really like you to come” etc, and that’s then a whole lot more difficult to get out of when you know it isn’t going to make you feel better than just saying you can’t get the time off work, which can’t be argued with.

Bereaved, not abducted by aliens. She could quite easily have sent a text saying Sorry, can't make it, need some time, will be in touch when I'm ready. Ghosting is a very emotionally abusive thing to do and I'd call it out as such.

You sound like I've hit a nerve.

It's very important for bereaved people to think more about others and improve how they communicate to avoid inconveniencing others. Selfish bereaved people.

@Balloonhearts I think ghosting a friend is a really dreadful thing to do.

But there are exceptional circumstances which are legit and I think bereavement is one of them.

I don’t know, I’d feel torn too OP. I guess in my experience, people are in the past for a reason. And even if it’s not a bad reason and a simple case of drifting apart, it’s never the same second time around.
Chances are you’d meet for coffee and then … nothing.
Is it worth the energy?

Why would she need to tea=ll you she was struggling? You’ve listed everything she went through - would you not, as a friend - just assume she was going through a thoroughly miserable time and just be there for?

If you’re not feeling the friendship anymore than yanbu to not want to reconnect.

But YABU to dismiss her explanation when she has sent you a heartfelt message explaining why she went quiet. She says she was grieving a partner. Does that mean her partner had died? How much effort did you make with her in those days? Expecting her to go abroad and celebrate your birthday when she was grieving seems quite thoughtless.

If you don’t want to be friends, message her back to say you accept her apology and also apologise if you weren’t there for her when she was grieving. Don’t ask any further questions if you don’t want to restart the friendship.

OP, absolutely no rush to respond at all. In fact I would let this sit for a few weeks to see how it lands.

Have you time and space in your life for her?
I think Covid and subsequent life experiences did overwhelm some people so I would accept her apology as sincere but you really don't have to pick up again.

You can reflect and at a later date tell her that you accept her apology but her lie was actually quite hurful at the time and while you wish her well you have no desire to reconnect.

It really really depends on the type of friend she was and for how long, the quality of the friendship, before I would consider seeing her.

Did her partner die? If so that would be absolutely huge and could easily result in someone fully withdrawing.

If she was excellent on all fronts before this let down then I might give her the benefit of the doubt, ONCE.

Don't rush into any decision.

Totally your choice. I'm 43 and have three very close friends, two I've known for 40 someodd years, the third for 20, and some variation of what you're experiencing has happened in all three relationships. We grow in live and there's an ebb and flow to relationships. Sometimes you make up, sometimes you don't.

For me, I just shrug it off and pick up like nothing happened, but that's just me and how I choose to react because I'm lazy and don't want to invest that much energy in being mad. Do what you feel is best.

My advice is don't throw away an important relationship because your feeling are hurt by growing pains. There are truly awful and nasty people in the world you shouldn't bother with (I've had lots of those too) and others who are good people but suffer from blips from time to time as they grow. Trust your gut on which one she is and go from there.

I had a friend (two actually) who did this exact thing. I was open to rekindling our friendships, only to get ghosted again. You are not being unreasonable.

I feel like I've entered some sort of AI experimental thread, where the bots are trialling how complete lack of human empathy or understanding lands.

The friend's partner died, and her life became unimaginably different and difficult.

Within the context, the OP has behaved horrendously, deleting a friend's number at a point of huge trauma in her life.

Please tell me this thread isn't real.

Completely agree. Are a lot of you not picking up on the friend's partner having died? She'd moved and was struggling with her job. The OP treats these massive life events as almost nothing, in comparison to making a simple excuse about not being able to come on holiday.

That was your friend, OP. (Or AI OP.) She deserved better. I hope (if you're real) you've got back in touch, apologised to her, and are leaving her alone to find better friends.