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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no after my nan died

71 replies

Nosleeptheo · 07/05/2025 19:42

At the point where I really don't care if this is outing. Here is a full break down of what's occurred sorry if iv missed anything but currently grieving but also angry

My nan died last week. Yes it's sad but also she was elderly not in the best of health etc. My nan had 6 kids and god knows how many grandchildren and great grandchildren. For context 1 of my nans kids don't live locally and others do. Will has been read (nothing financially available as she didn't have it but that's another story). I found out in the will she made in 2011 (when my grandad died) his and her ashes are to go to my cousin (one of my nans daughter and she doesn't live local) and also one of my nans belongings.

Me and my cousin both wanted the same thing nan put it in her will she gets it so that is it but the ashes has pissed me off sorry but we would all like some of my nan and grandads ashes to do with what we want with (personally I'd get them in a necklace).

Also i was asked by my mum today to help clear the house out 5 out of the 6 siblings there and me and fuck me what a shit show people bickering over who gets what etc. Nan put it in her will she wanted me to pick something (other then what I wanted the rest I really don't want imagine a large amount of garden stuff and other bits of stuff). Iv polity said I don't want anything which has upset one of my anties and my mum but 1 it's only going to get shoved in a attic why not let it go to charity and someone else who likes that sort of stuff have it. Also when I got there is was pretty much assumed / demanded that I will take shit like mattress and other stuff to family members houses (they all live in a city I'm in the country side). I said no today as I have kids car seats in the car. Yes my car is big enough to take it but the fact they assumed / demanded has pissed me off to where I want to say no.

I was clearing out the kitchen not knowing what people want and had to shout at them they have 5 mins before it all goes charity box or bin bag.

Really my aibu am I in the wrong to say fuck you all (other then my mum) and tell them to sort the shit out them selfs and get the other precious grand daughter down to help of they are that bothered.

Or do I bite my tongue and just help.

Part of me at this point feels like my nan didn't even care if she has put in her will for only one person to have the ashes other part of me thinks she was manipulated during her griving for my grandad.

Not saying I went down all the time because I didn't, I ha e a young family and also work ft. But I did go down often, take her out and even had her for Christmas not the last one but the one before that because no one else could be bothered and I didn't want her alone.

Iv done this post because my dp thinks I bite the bullet and cut ties after the funeral (which tbh I'm not sure if i am attending at this point) but part of my feels if I do I'm being taken for a mug (there is a past where this has happened)

OP posts:

Original poster

Nosleeptheo · 07/05/2025 19:44

Also it means giving up my evenings with my kids / weekend to do this when I would rather just hear them bicker of a toy then grown people bicker I completely lost patience

OP posts:

tripleginandtonic · 07/05/2025 19:48

I can't even begin to start on how unreasonable you are Of course she'd want her ashes to be with her dh's. You're coming across as very selfish OP, not helping your mum out

Original poster

Nosleeptheo · 07/05/2025 19:53

I don't really think I am not sure if i have worded it right but both sets of ashes should be split between all the children. Not both just going to one grandchild. I wouldn't of even been that bothered if just one of her children got the ashes but the fact my mum can't even have any of them both is ridiculous. My nan kept my grandads ashes until she died 10000% agree with that but surly now she's gone both sets should at least be split between all the siblings

OP posts:

Original poster

Nosleeptheo · 07/05/2025 19:54

@tripleginandtonic sorry was ment to tag you in the above reply

OP posts:

watchuswreckthemic · 07/05/2025 19:56

This post has made me quite sad and I wonder if you are grieving more than you realise? I don’t think not having some ashes is a good enough reason to refuse to go to a funeral or to help. There’s a big difference in people assuming you may help and demanding it.
Ive seen people behaving quite differently once people die and maybe you need a couple of days to calm down.

ThatNaiceMember · 07/05/2025 19:57

So sorry for your loss . It all sounds difficult for you but you are doing the right thing helping even if you feel missed out. The fact that the will was made in 2011 has bearing probably, maybe if your nan were to write one today it would be different but since she can't you can only be as nice as possible about things. I think just ask your cousin for some ashes, you only need a tiny amount for a necklace and if it helps you feel better it's worth it

Silvertulips · 07/05/2025 20:00

You either help, or you don’t.

Personally I have seen this grubby attitude many times at funerals and think it’s shocking - your poor grandmother. How anyone can bicker of a dead persons belongings when they have literally very little is beyond me.

I think you just need to step away - if anyone wants anything the least they could do is arrange transport, and you’re not a taxi service:

BassesAreBest · 07/05/2025 20:01

Perhaps she didn’t want her ashes split? It’s weird, but I would hate to think of my father being split up between locations - maybe your nan was the same?

Do you have any nice photographs of them - is there a photograph frame you could take from your nan’s place at all?

Bababear987 · 07/05/2025 20:02

Has this cousin refused to give ashes to anyone else? Is she planning on keeping them or what?

I've never really understood keeping ashes or anything like that to me it make more sense to spread them somewhere nice.

Scottishskifun · 07/05/2025 20:03

Your grandmother's will was clear and she probably didn't want her ashes to be split between kids as she saw ashes as being whole!

Hadalifeonce · 07/05/2025 20:03

Honestly, I wouldn't bother sorting the house out, leave them to it as you know there is nothing you want.
If you don't go to her funeral, you may well regret it later, and you can't undo that.
You don't have to go to anything other than the actual service if you don't want to.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 07/05/2025 20:08

My mums ashes went to my step dad. But I have a pinch of them, which was plenty enough. Can you not ask for that?

CommentHere · 07/05/2025 20:10

The poor woman hasn't even had a funeral and you are clearing out her stuff?

I'd absolutely attend the funeral, I'd help a bit, take the bits you want and give an hour to help but there are others to help too?

Indianajet · 07/05/2025 20:13

I wouldn't actually want my ashes split - my husband's were scattered in the countryside, and mine will be too. Perhaps your grandmother felt the same.
Don't miss the funeral because of this.

PashaMinaMio · 07/05/2025 20:14

Keep your dignity. Stay strong. Try to detach.

Stay out of the bickering and let the others get on with the house clearance.

Out of respect for your Nan, go to her funeral. Maybe stay for a short while at the wake. Dont be dragged into any nonsense with family but if someone has a go at you, quietly step back and leave. Rise above it all.

With regard to division of her ashes, shes not a commodity! I personally think that’s appalling but each to his own.

Toolatetoasknow · 07/05/2025 20:14

No question your nan's ashes should be with her husband's. And to many people splitting ashes is absolutely wrong. They are the remains of a body, and should be respectfully scattered or laid at rest as such. Not dealt out like a pack of cards to be made into necklaces. Unless that's what your nan wanted, which she clearly didn't.

Talk about fighting over the bones. You really are. Where's your dignity and self respect? Stop it.

BassesAreBest · 07/05/2025 20:14

The poor woman hasn't even had a funeral and you are clearing out her stuff?

May not have much choice if it’s a rental property

puffyisgood · 07/05/2025 20:14

I'm not sure I follow all of that but the will sounds like it's really clear on the ashes, so end of story.

OP shouldn't have to do chauffeuring.

TheHerboriste · 07/05/2025 20:15

I get you, OP.
They are just using you. Let her children handle it.

Tbh though a garden tool or garden ornament would be a nice memento.

ChompinCrocodiles · 07/05/2025 20:17

the ashes has pissed me off sorry but we would all like some of my nan and grandads ashes to do with what we want with (personally I'd get them in a necklace)

I can't think of anything worse than bits of me being shared into pieces amongst several people, and then some of those pieces messed with/compressed/made into jewellery or whatnot. The thought makes me feel literally sick.

It's not about what you want, it's about your nans wishes and it sounds like she didn't want to be handed out like cakes at a bake sale. Good for her.

Winter2020 · 07/05/2025 20:18

Nosleeptheo · 07/05/2025 19:53

I think you are being unreasonable because what happens to your nan's ashes is up to her and not up to you or anyone else. It is not a reflection of her love for you or her daughters or anyone else though.

Your nan is now in your memories - she is not in the ashes.

If you can't deal with helping clearing the house just say that - no need to cut ties with anyone. Will you regret saying you don't want anything? My parents don't have objects of monetary value but there are a couple of bits of craft and (cheap) china that are links to the previous generation that I would choose or want my siblings to have. I wouldn't want those items thrown in a skip or given to a charity shop. Did your nan not have a mug that reminds you of her or an ornament.

My MIL wants her ashes buried in her home country. I think it would be terrible if her children decided to do something else with them when they know her wishes.

DeathStare · 07/05/2025 20:21

There are many many people who would be mortified at the idea of their ashes being split and divided up. Lots of people would be very upset at the idea.

I mean this in the kjndest possible way but you need to stop making this about you. One of the very last decisions people get to make is about what happens to their remains. Other people's thoughts on that are irrelevant. Your nan made her wishes clear. If you loved her, respect that. Maybe she chose your cousin as she knew your cousin wouldn't split the ashes up

B1anche · 07/05/2025 20:21

She's only been dead a week and you're all clearing the house already?

Your nan has stated in her will her wishes for her ashes. Like it or not you should respect that.

Original poster

Nosleeptheo · 07/05/2025 20:21

@watchuswreckthemic the funeral part is all the bickering I am at the point I'm going to say something I regret because they are grown adults and should deal with it like adults and I know the funeral will be same there has been pass evidence of this

OP posts:

tinygingermum · 07/05/2025 20:24

I think the grief is going to be very raw for all of you after just a week, so maybe it would be better for you all to step back and leave all the clearing out of her house etc until after the funeral and for the time being just be there for each other.

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