AIBU to say no after my nan died

[Nosleeptheo]

At the point where I really don't care if this is outing. Here is a full break down of what's occurred sorry if iv missed anything but currently grieving but also angry

My nan died last week. Yes it's sad but also she was elderly not in the best of health etc. My nan had 6 kids and god knows how many grandchildren and great grandchildren. For context 1 of my nans kids don't live locally and others do. Will has been read (nothing financially available as she didn't have it but that's another story). I found out in the will she made in 2011 (when my grandad died) his and her ashes are to go to my cousin (one of my nans daughter and she doesn't live local) and also one of my nans belongings.

Me and my cousin both wanted the same thing nan put it in her will she gets it so that is it but the ashes has pissed me off sorry but we would all like some of my nan and grandads ashes to do with what we want with (personally I'd get them in a necklace).

Also i was asked by my mum today to help clear the house out 5 out of the 6 siblings there and me and fuck me what a shit show people bickering over who gets what etc. Nan put it in her will she wanted me to pick something (other then what I wanted the rest I really don't want imagine a large amount of garden stuff and other bits of stuff). Iv polity said I don't want anything which has upset one of my anties and my mum but 1 it's only going to get shoved in a attic why not let it go to charity and someone else who likes that sort of stuff have it. Also when I got there is was pretty much assumed / demanded that I will take shit like mattress and other stuff to family members houses (they all live in a city I'm in the country side). I said no today as I have kids car seats in the car. Yes my car is big enough to take it but the fact they assumed / demanded has pissed me off to where I want to say no.

I was clearing out the kitchen not knowing what people want and had to shout at them they have 5 mins before it all goes charity box or bin bag.

Really my aibu am I in the wrong to say fuck you all (other then my mum) and tell them to sort the shit out them selfs and get the other precious grand daughter down to help of they are that bothered.

Or do I bite my tongue and just help.

Part of me at this point feels like my nan didn't even care if she has put in her will for only one person to have the ashes other part of me thinks she was manipulated during her griving for my grandad.

Not saying I went down all the time because I didn't, I ha e a young family and also work ft. But I did go down often, take her out and even had her for Christmas not the last one but the one before that because no one else could be bothered and I didn't want her alone.

Iv done this post because my dp thinks I bite the bullet and cut ties after the funeral (which tbh I'm not sure if i am attending at this point) but part of my feels if I do I'm being taken for a mug (there is a past where this has happened)

@ThatNaiceMember unfortunately she's already been asked (by another family member not me and said no she wants them for herself) also this family member who is getting them is also looking at moving to Canada

In a rental property once a tenant has died you often only have a fortnight to clear it.

This is my point if they had asked if would be more inclined but it was the fact it was presumed and demanded that rubbed me the wrong way. The fact it's all happened since 5. 30 today so still not really calmed down

I thought I don't have any funeral preference for myself, but now I've realised I wouldn't want my ashes split. It feels so weird.

For the rest - you say there is a history of being taken for granted. It definitely is a risk again. Can you put some boundary in place - be available only some days/limited time, having a plan to go home at a specific time?
That way you would participate but not became overwhelmed with the interactions.

Wish there was but rightly so my mum and anties and uncles have requested them which I'm perfectly fine with i know any my mum has got i can always copy them if I want

Yeah she's refusing to share them. No idea what she will do with them as she's planning on moving to Canada (has a visa sorted etc)

I’ve not long lost my Mum (it was sudden/she was 57), to me it sounds like you’re grieving more than you think you are?
I had 2 weeks to clear my Mum’s home (council) and the rage I felt in those weeks at everybody grabbing and demanding was lethal.

I’ve just picked up my Mum’s ashes today, I’ll be driving her 3 hours north to spread on her Nan’s grave, that was always where she wanted to go and she’d have hated to be split up so that’s what we’re doing.

I think some of your anger will be grief, some of it will be because death brings out the worst in some people (my brother was also a grabber) but I’d say bite your tongue for now, hold your head high 💛

I do kinda get this and would completely understand if it went to one of her kids but it's going to a grandchild which is the part I don't understand. Even if it was for us to buy a special plot or what ever to keep her and my grandad together they anyone can visit I would completely understand

Is the root of your extreme anger simply that you cannot have some of the ashes? Or are you angry because of the unspecified item you mentioned that you wanted, that has been left to her daughter?

I think being angry about the ashes is very strange. Surely the most important thing is that whatever your granny wanted to happen to her ashes, happens. She wanted them to stay together.

If you want an item of commemorative jewellery, surely you can have something made with her name or her initial or an image that represents her (favourite flower etc). Must it really contain her ashes?

You are entitled to refuse to help with the clear up of the house if you want, I suppose, but it seems a little unkind. Why do you believe others are more obliged to do it than you? Because they got the ashes? Only one of them did.

Equally, the funeral. Don't go it you don't wish to celebrate her life/mourn her passing, obviously. But it seems a strange decision to make because you don't get some ashes.

As another person said, I wonder if you are grieving more than you realise OP, and it is coming out in anger that you perhaps would not usually feel?

This is what I'm thinking if I do go just keep it to the service then go home at this point. Part of me wants to go as last respect and closure but another part of me just wants to forget it all

You need to forget about the ashes, it's really your nans choice and she obviously wanted them to go to this cousin. Tbf having my body cremated and then split up into lots of pieces so people can do whatever with my remains would be horrible and tbh making me into jewellery I'd find quite tacky and disrespectful. You need to let that go.

With the other stuff no its not fair the family expect so much but then if they need stuff gotten rid of is it so bad moving a mattress? An excuse to get out of the house clearing duties? If you dont want to just say no.

Surely as a grown adult you can attend the funeral and just ignore any silly comments or stay away from the likely culprits. I dont understand how you can be so close to your gran to want to make jewellery out of her but you are allowing bickering family members to keep you away from her funeral?

I think it sounds like you're having a hard time and focusing too much on other family members instead of your gran and it's coming out as anger.

Oh, I see, the ashes went to a grandchild, I had missed that. Do you feel she preferred that person to you and has "chosen" them somehow?

Even if you do I would let it go. What good can jealousy over this do you now? And you have no idea really whether that was the reason.

Unfortunately yes she died Friday and we have to hand the keys in next week as it's a very sort after council assisted bungalow

Her wish for her ashes should be respected. Doesn’t matter what you, or anyone else thinks, this is what she wanted.

My close friend died in March, very brief illness. I spent 6hrs helping her DD start clearing her flat on the weekend. It’s a delicate time for everyone, and shouting they have 5 mins to make a choice about keeping things doesn’t help. I don’t have to help my friends DD, but it’s a big task. My friend did a lot for me, so giving up some of my time for this isn’t a lot for me to give. Given it’s your Nan, I don’t think its unreasonable you help a bit. You are coming across as pretty selfish. Just say you can’t do it, arguing over someone’s belongings is pretty grim.

l

i hope you all look back on this and are ashamed of yourselves before you all do awful things.

Unfortunately I just don't have the space for any more garden tools and also have 2 young kids how at the moment break everything the look at currently have a beheaded garden ornament that belonged to the previous owner also they are all really not my style

Some good advice here for you, OP.

Sorry to both of you (OP and Pop that Bench) for your losses and also for peoples shameful behaviour. 🌺

I get that you're grieving and im sorry for your loss but you need to screw your head on right and think!

Why on earth do you think a person imagines before their death that they should be divided up as ashes among several different people and stuck into something commercial like a necklace which is just the latest fad to make Internet businesses money? Why would your nan want to be carried about in a necklace for a while only to be thrown into a drawer and then binned after you die?

Come on and get real.

She and your grandfather are not something to fight over. Respect her wishes and stop taking it as a slight.

Find a favourite place and plant a tree in her memory and stop the sulking nonsense.

You are not being unreasonable about the mattresses etc. You don't have to transport anything for anyone. You don't have to maintain contact with any family members you don't get on with.

It doesn't matter whether garden tools are 'not your style' OP, you should want them because they belonged to your Nan. In years to come, if you take even a fork or a spade, in years to come you'll look at it and think, 'that was Nan's', and believe me, it WILL mean something to you then.

With regard to the ashes, bear in mind that your Nan could have made the decision to be buried, in which case no one would have had any part of her, so try and keep it in proportion.

When my Dad's Mum died, he experienced the same thing you did, all of his 4 sisters were at the house, clearing everything, and taking the best things for themselves, with no thought to the fact he was her only son. He was so sickened by it, he looked around the room, picked up an old clock, which he knew didn't even work, and left. He kept that clock his whole life, and didn't care that it didn't work, it was his Mum's, and that was enough.

Please do go to the funeral, as you WILL regret it if you don't. By all means attend the service, and then leave, but at least give your Nan the respect she deserves by going to 'see her off'.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

Absolutely this. Feels weird to me to split up a body.

Does this DC who lives elsewhere live somewhere nice? Maybe she fancied the idea of being near the sea or whatever.

In terms of taking something from the house I would have found something even if I wanted nothing, a particular cup or plate I'd always used, a small ornament, a scarf - you might appreciate that you did in the future and it would have prevented upset.

You may be more upset than you realise. Just tell people you don't feel well enough to help, go to the funeral and say goodbye

Yeah she's refusing to share them

Listen to yourself. You're talking about a persons remains ffs. Not the base product for your sparkly new necklace. A human being.

So to everyone about the ashes, yes I'm pissed off that a cousin has them to shove in a cupboard or take them to another country when she moves and in the mean time to a location my nan never went to or even showed interest. wouldn't be so much of an issue if they where being put somewhere where everyone can pay respects etc completely understand if my nan didn't want to be shared each have our own idea how we want to be delt with in the end. Even my partner knows what to do with my body etc, however even if he or my kids wanted to do something else with them personally I wouldn't be bother as I am dead ( my believe and I understand not everyone else thinks like this)

Regarding the funeral the last big family gathering was my grandads funeral and that ended up in family members screaming and shouting at each other and I just walked away. My nan was the last thing to sort of hold the family together. We have had one family member robbing her dry while she was elderly and couldn't even remember a conversation 5 mins ago (suspected dementia but wouldn't attend gp for diagnosis) another family member moved her further way from everyone so some struggled but in that person's defence they did a lot of the care in the end because it was less them a minute walk away.

Unfortunately there is nothing in the house that would actually remind me of her that I could have other then her paintings but tbh I have 3 of them in my attic already which she gave me years ago because she needed more room (she has 100s of paintings she's done). They have been in my attic since not because they aren't nice simply because they are not my style and I have no where to put them.

Regarding helping out I have just text my mum to say before I do any more helping everyone needs to of taken what they would like to keep from there and I will go and organise piles of bin / charity for the other stuff but not while everyone is in the house and I will do this for 2 hours one day this week (easliy completed as its a small bungalow). I have also said I will not be doing any of the taxiing of stuff to people's house as out of the 6 of them there are 3 other cars and they can sort it themselves.

Regarding relationships with them after the funeral I'm likely to cut ties with them other then my mum. Some of them i haven't really got on with anyway due to their behaviour and the others seemed to of shown their true colours. Iv always helped when I can and never asked for anything in return which I feel they have taken for granted on more then one occasion.

Am I understanding correctly, your grandmother willed the ashes to your cousin? In that case they're hers. If she'd wanted them split up wouldn't she have specified that? I'm on the fence about cremation for myself, but I can certainly understand not wanting your earthly remaining divided up.

I have been there but not the ashes thing. Its very sad and very simple. You can't have any ashes. That is the end of that story. Now what do you want to do? Cut ties now or after the funeral? Decide what you want to do then do it. Either way you will grieve, you will rage. Its the price we pay for giving and receiving love.