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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no after my nan died

71 replies

Nosleeptheo · 07/05/2025 19:42

At the point where I really don't care if this is outing. Here is a full break down of what's occurred sorry if iv missed anything but currently grieving but also angry

My nan died last week. Yes it's sad but also she was elderly not in the best of health etc. My nan had 6 kids and god knows how many grandchildren and great grandchildren. For context 1 of my nans kids don't live locally and others do. Will has been read (nothing financially available as she didn't have it but that's another story). I found out in the will she made in 2011 (when my grandad died) his and her ashes are to go to my cousin (one of my nans daughter and she doesn't live local) and also one of my nans belongings.

Me and my cousin both wanted the same thing nan put it in her will she gets it so that is it but the ashes has pissed me off sorry but we would all like some of my nan and grandads ashes to do with what we want with (personally I'd get them in a necklace).

Also i was asked by my mum today to help clear the house out 5 out of the 6 siblings there and me and fuck me what a shit show people bickering over who gets what etc. Nan put it in her will she wanted me to pick something (other then what I wanted the rest I really don't want imagine a large amount of garden stuff and other bits of stuff). Iv polity said I don't want anything which has upset one of my anties and my mum but 1 it's only going to get shoved in a attic why not let it go to charity and someone else who likes that sort of stuff have it. Also when I got there is was pretty much assumed / demanded that I will take shit like mattress and other stuff to family members houses (they all live in a city I'm in the country side). I said no today as I have kids car seats in the car. Yes my car is big enough to take it but the fact they assumed / demanded has pissed me off to where I want to say no.

I was clearing out the kitchen not knowing what people want and had to shout at them they have 5 mins before it all goes charity box or bin bag.

Really my aibu am I in the wrong to say fuck you all (other then my mum) and tell them to sort the shit out them selfs and get the other precious grand daughter down to help of they are that bothered.

Or do I bite my tongue and just help.

Part of me at this point feels like my nan didn't even care if she has put in her will for only one person to have the ashes other part of me thinks she was manipulated during her griving for my grandad.

Not saying I went down all the time because I didn't, I ha e a young family and also work ft. But I did go down often, take her out and even had her for Christmas not the last one but the one before that because no one else could be bothered and I didn't want her alone.

Iv done this post because my dp thinks I bite the bullet and cut ties after the funeral (which tbh I'm not sure if i am attending at this point) but part of my feels if I do I'm being taken for a mug (there is a past where this has happened)

OP posts:
HeyCooper · 07/05/2025 21:14

The funeral is a celebration of your nana life, good to pay your respects and have closure. Afterwards spend time with people you love, who ever they are.

It’s a big ask expecting you to clear out her house when you work ft and have kids. Offer limited help … ‘I have two hours on Saturday so let me know how you’d like me to spend those two hours.

Fibd a differebt way to remember your mum, get some photos of her framed

Whatwouldnanado · 07/05/2025 21:19

Like others have said I think you need to step back here, rise above the nonsense. Forget the ashes altogether.
We have lost six parents/elderly relatives in recent years. There are a couple of framed photos, little things in our home eg, kitchen tool, a garden trowel that I enjoy using, it’s like them giving me a hand. . Surely you have room for something like that? The main thing though is the memories of them. Leave the rest to squabble and take time to write all the things you loved about your nan, the things she said and how she made you feel. That’s what matters. Take those good things into your life and live on and well on her behalf.
At the funeral keep your dignity, behave how she would’ve wanted you to. Walk away if there’s any bother.

Afterwards, well, you can choose what you do. Do they really deserve you?

SpryCat · 07/05/2025 21:20

Your grieving your Nan and the thought of her ashes being far away is another blow, I also have seen how greedy people get when a loved one dies. I would tell everyone you’re not a taxi service, once everything has been fought over, packed up you can help take the rest to charity shops. Go to the funeral to pay your respects but I would leave before the wake to avoid any arguments.

B1anche · 07/05/2025 21:21

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 07/05/2025 20:24

In a rental property once a tenant has died you often only have a fortnight to clear it.

Show quote history

Thank you, I didn't realise that. How brutal for the grieving relatives.

Mustreadabook · 07/05/2025 21:24

I wouldn't have even thought of dividing ashes between lots of people - I think that is a very modern idea perhaps your nan would not think of. I would expect that the ashes would be scattered somewhere - I think my grandad's went in a garden of remembrance, and the other grandparent's ashes were buried. Can you ask your cousin and suggest a gathering to scatter them at some future time? Then you can remember nan at that place. And ask her if you can keep a pinch of them for a necklace - I'm sure you only need a tiny amount for that. If she had any jewellery can you ask for a piece to remember her - you could always have it reset if it's not something you'd wear.

YoungSoak · 07/05/2025 21:36

ChompinCrocodiles · 07/05/2025 20:17

the ashes has pissed me off sorry but we would all like some of my nan and grandads ashes to do with what we want with (personally I'd get them in a necklace)

I can't think of anything worse than bits of me being shared into pieces amongst several people, and then some of those pieces messed with/compressed/made into jewellery or whatnot. The thought makes me feel literally sick.

It's not about what you want, it's about your nans wishes and it sounds like she didn't want to be handed out like cakes at a bake sale. Good for her.

Thank you!! My DH’s family had a similar fight over his aunt’s ashes when she sadly died. People need to respect people’s wishes and let them rest in peace. I find the whole idea of dishing out bits of ashes to loads of people absolutely sickening

Dogpawsandcatwhiskers · 08/05/2025 08:43

Tbh the whole family sound like disrespectful vultures fighting over her stuff before your poor gran has even had her funeral!

Some people might want to keep their ashes whole (or put in with their DH). Our family scattered DPs ashes in their favourite places. Each family is different and you should go with your grans written wishes. Expecting to divide ashes up between so many people is a bit bonkers imo.

NeedToChangeName · 08/05/2025 08:54

OP, you'll see from this thread that many people dislike the idea of ashes being shared around. Try not to take that too personally

Perhaps you could take eg a saucepan from the kitchen to remember her by, so you can think of her when you're cooking?

TotemPolly · 08/05/2025 09:10

In all honesty , you probably won't have much call to see them after the funeral anyway .
I'd go to the funeral as it's a way of saying the final goodbye , and you would regret not doing that once you've calmed down.
I get you are a bit annoyed about the ashes , but they were not left to you so you will just have to get over it .
Jewellery can be made with hair as well , maybe a hairbrush will have some or perhaps you could ask the undertaker to snip some off or you could do it if you plan on going to see her .
Funerals can bring out the worse in people , grit your teeth , put your head down , help clear out her place then forget about the people that are annoying you .

Kylie83 · 08/05/2025 09:11

I have never ever liked the idea of separating ashes I just get sad and would wonder if I had part of my dearly beloved, or part of their coffin etc.

deeahgwitch · 08/05/2025 16:36

I didn’t know ashes could/would be shared out amongst people Blush

Hoppinggreen · 08/05/2025 16:40

You all sound like grabby vultures
Poor woman has only been dead less than a week and you are arguing over her stuff

AnotherSadness · 08/05/2025 16:45

So sorry for your loss OP. Listen, your grandmother specifically requested that this cousin had her ashes. Not her children, not all her grandchildren but just this one. It was clearly a planned decision, even though you may not understand why. Surely you just need to respect that? You will never know her reasons for that decision, but please respect it.

Boomer55 · 08/05/2025 16:49

Hoppinggreen · 08/05/2025 16:40

You all sound like grabby vultures
Poor woman has only been dead less than a week and you are arguing over her stuff

This. Arguing over ashes and possessions is just awful. 😟

TwentyKittens · 08/05/2025 16:52

Hoppinggreen · 08/05/2025 16:40

You all sound like grabby vultures
Poor woman has only been dead less than a week and you are arguing over her stuff

This.

And OP just compounds things by saying she doesn't want this or that because it's not her style, and already has artwork in the loft for the same reason. But she wants something that was willed to someone else which presumably is her style.

It's all so transactional and more about the things than the person.

Zucker · 08/05/2025 16:59

I found out in the will she made in 2011 (when my grandad died) his and her ashes are to go to my cousin (one of my nans daughter and she doesn't live local)

Is the person taking the ashes one of your Nan's actual children?

Why would you all be fighting over who gets the ashes? Take one thing to remember your Nan by from the house and frame a picture you have of her and make your own memorial in your own home for her.

Candleabra · 08/05/2025 17:02

I have a weird feeling about splitting ashes. I don’t like it, and wouldn’t want it for me or my loved ones. And I don’t like the idea of bits of me in jewellery. Entirely my personal preference. But your nan may have thought the same.

Cynic17 · 08/05/2025 17:04

Ultimately, OP, your grandmother made choices and it is up to everyone else to follow them. If she had chosen to leave £1 million to the cat's home, then that's what you do. No questions.
Imagine if people didn't follow your wishes after your death?
All this vulgar squabbling and chucking stuff out in a hurry really doesn't reflect well on anyone, including you.
Nor does it matter who lives locally, or not.
Maybe the entire family just needs to grow up?

PhilippaGeorgiou · 08/05/2025 17:08

You do understand that you are having a tantrum about her dead body??? And you are criticising everyone else for not behaving like grown adults? Thank goodness she isn't around to see what this has come to. You and everyone else should be ashamed of yourselves. Your best inheritance is happy memories of her, not disrespecting her literally beyond the grave.

minnienono · 08/05/2025 17:10

I find splitting ashes weird. Surely they should either be buried in a proper ashes plot or scattered (legally!) with whoever wishes to be present observing. We’ve done this recently a few months after the funeral and whilst it’s a cliche it was a good closure point

brettsalanger · 08/05/2025 17:48

The point of a will is to specify what your want to happen.

you are being completely unreasonable to go against that. Your cousin is following the wishes of your nan, taking a part of her ashes is bizarre.

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