Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m a jealous person

56 replies

jealy · 07/05/2025 14:07

I know Im being ridiculous please knock sense into me. Im jealous that my sister might get pregnant. Her baby will be newer and more exciting than my baby. She’s just finished her PhD. I also have a PhD but now she’s also gone and got one. I have thoughts like ‘how dare she’. I wish I could just be lighter and less like this.

Im so jealous and insecure. What can I do about it? What are your experiences of this?

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 07/05/2025 14:08

What can I do about it?

In what sense?

You can't control others achieving things..... but you can control your reaction to their achievements .

RocketPanda · 07/05/2025 14:10

I think you need more professional help than MN posters.

Foundationhelp · 07/05/2025 14:10

How old is your baby?

It definitely sounds like a ‘you’ problem but equally it will have stemmed from your childhood. Have you always been compared to each other and done similar things? I find people have these feelings when they are similar.

Are you happy in you life and with what you’re doing and where you’re at? Any reason to be jealous of your sister? I think if you can be confident with who you are your life will be a lot easier.

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 14:12

You do 2 things.

  1. A bit of naval gazing about why it bothers you. Do you want a baby? Attention?
  2. You decide not to pay attention to the feeling. You literally correct your thought process "I don't think like that any more, I'm happy she's happy. A happy person would buy an outfit, I'm going to buy am outfit". Thoughts are habits are behaviours are attitudes and the affect your whole personality and mindset.
mildlydispeptic · 07/05/2025 14:12

I think a lot of us struggle with envy. Funny, I was just recently having a discussion about it with a therapist friend and she said Melanie Klein did quite a bit of work on it. I got the book but haven’t read it yet (sorry, not super useful, I know!)

Hoolahoophop · 07/05/2025 14:14

I understand what you are saying. I recognize some jealous, or envious tendencies in myself, stemming from insecurity I think. It is not a characteristic I admire or am proud of, but have trouble controlling it.

Counting ones blessings is supposed to help.
Recognizing the feeling, re-evaluating and turning it on its head I think is part of CBT techniques for turning negative thoughts into constructive ones.

slamdunk66 · 07/05/2025 14:15

Is it just your sister you’re jealous or anyone?
either way jealousy is not a great trait, and you should seek help for your self esteem issues.

Endofyear · 07/05/2025 14:18

The only person you're hurting with your jealousy is you. You will never be happy if you're constantly comparing yourself to others. Get some counselling to address this, jealousy stems from low self-esteem and insecurity.

EmmaJane2025 · 07/05/2025 14:23

You don’t get the monopoly on PhDs in your family….. Hmm Oh I’ve been to Uni so you can’t do it too Confused

Catandsquirrel · 07/05/2025 14:24

Are you ready for a new challenge work or study wise (re PhD)?

I think a bit of sibling rivalry is pretty common especially if both high achievers.

What's your outward and ongoing reaction, congratulating her, happy you're both doing well, and getting on with your life after a little blip of realisation that she's catching you up? Or, are you hoping she's found plagiarising and considering setting off the sprinklersat her graduation? If you find this rivalry affects you more than it should, get some CBT, it was probably more about your childhood than anything innate, even if your parents did their best.

Otherwise, is her completing her PhD perhaps coinciding with you maybe needing a new challenge yourself and the feelings are getting confused?

Original poster
jealy · 07/05/2025 14:26

slamdunk66 · 07/05/2025 14:15

Is it just your sister you’re jealous or anyone?
either way jealousy is not a great trait, and you should seek help for your self esteem issues.

It’s not everyone, it’s mainly her but there can be others sometimes. There was a guy at work for example (academia) that published a paper, his paper was promoted by the department but mine that was published at the same time didn’t really get promoted as much. That ate away at me.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 07/05/2025 14:27

I’m sorry oP but the baby comment is really disturbing.

I can’t tell if you have a baby already that you feel is somehow going to be an “ outdated model” or if you are thinking ahead to the future or what. But the baby bit you need help with. Children aren’t this season’s accessories .

Clarinet1 · 07/05/2025 14:29

At first I could hardly believe this post was serious but, honestly OP, do you think you should be the only person to achieve anything in your family? In the world?
However, if you find this kind of thing hard to accept, perhaps you do need some kind of counselling or therapy - otherwise where will it end? Her house is bigger/more expensive than yours? Her kid got into an equally prestigious school or university?…… On the other hand perhaps you can console yourself with the fact that you did these things first!

Member984815 · 07/05/2025 14:35

Have you considered therapy for these feelings ? It's a horrible way to live.

WinterFoxes · 07/05/2025 14:37

This is a really strange version of jealousy. I came on to say, jealousy helps you understand what matters to you, what you really want. But you are jealous of someone achieving what you already have!

Are you jealous of someone else having the limelight? Are you jealous because the achievements that made you feel special are diluted if other people achieve them? Is it specific to your sister- do you tend to feel competitive with her?

One cure, if you want one, is to look beneath the cause of the jealousy to the underlying desired emotional state. E.g. I wanted to be the special one who had a baby/phD because then people would take notice of me and admire me. When people take notice of me and admire me, I feel....

Whatever that underlying feeling is: loved, valued, secure, worthwhile, validated etc, it's the key to banishing jealousy. Identify it snd then ask yourself: what other ways can I access this great feeling? Look for ways that aren't dependent on other people's reactions or opinions. Build your own opinions of yourself that create the same effect.

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 14:39

What are the specific things that you are jealous about by your sister getting pregnant? You said that her baby will be newer than hers, what do you think will happen than yours will no longer be loved by family because they are older? What’s fueling these feelings

Loloj · 07/05/2025 14:39

I think jealousy is a natural reaction. It’s good that you’ve recognised it. I feel jealous at times but I choose to ignore it as I want to feel happy for people and their achievements. I don’t think anyone can honestly say that they don’t ever get any jealous feelings (even if fleeting). Maybe you could speak to a therapist or counsellor?

Your sister having a baby wouldn’t make your child any less special - you need to remind yourself of this.

Is there something going on with your family dynamic where you feel she was treated differently as a child or growing up? Was she treated differently? Or were you the favoured one and now feel things have changed?

commonsense61 · 07/05/2025 14:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Calliopespa · 07/05/2025 14:42

WinterFoxes · 07/05/2025 14:37

This is a really strange version of jealousy. I came on to say, jealousy helps you understand what matters to you, what you really want. But you are jealous of someone achieving what you already have!

Are you jealous of someone else having the limelight? Are you jealous because the achievements that made you feel special are diluted if other people achieve them? Is it specific to your sister- do you tend to feel competitive with her?

One cure, if you want one, is to look beneath the cause of the jealousy to the underlying desired emotional state. E.g. I wanted to be the special one who had a baby/phD because then people would take notice of me and admire me. When people take notice of me and admire me, I feel....

Whatever that underlying feeling is: loved, valued, secure, worthwhile, validated etc, it's the key to banishing jealousy. Identify it snd then ask yourself: what other ways can I access this great feeling? Look for ways that aren't dependent on other people's reactions or opinions. Build your own opinions of yourself that create the same effect.

To be fair I think jealousy can also make you aware of what you already have that is meaningful to you - which is sort of the true meaning of jealous which we now use more in a sense of envy.

I can understand that op might have felt proud of her phd and her sister having one might make it feel less “ special.” ( It isn’t; you just come from a family who share values op).

But the baby thing I really don’t get. No one has a baby for it to be a showpiece. A baby is a person in and of themselves and cannot be duplicated, equalled or bettered.

Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 14:45

jealy · 07/05/2025 14:07

I know Im being ridiculous please knock sense into me. Im jealous that my sister might get pregnant. Her baby will be newer and more exciting than my baby. She’s just finished her PhD. I also have a PhD but now she’s also gone and got one. I have thoughts like ‘how dare she’. I wish I could just be lighter and less like this.

Im so jealous and insecure. What can I do about it? What are your experiences of this?

Everyone gets jealous but few admit to it

Did your parents play you off against each other and set up a sort of rivalry dynamic?

Have to say that being jealous of your sister having a newer baby than you is a bit strange, it is because the attention is likely to shift temporarily from you and your baby to her and her baby

Is it craving attention more than jealousy, wanting to be seen as someone special?

Moveoverdarlin · 07/05/2025 14:48

I know a few women who have a sister close in age that they are competitive with like this. It’s constant. It was in school and it is now with their kids. who did it first. Who did it fastest etc etc.

TheGreenIsAlwaysGrasser · 07/05/2025 14:48

Fake it til you make it. I used to be a jealous person. I was honestly eaten up sometimes, it was always my first thought, why has she managed that and not me etc.

I decided to start being outwardly supportive. Even if it's killing you internally, you call her up and say "that's amazing, I'm SO excited that you did xyz. Well done." Or you pre-empt somebody else saying she's pretty and you feeling by jealous by saying "wow you look so pretty". You jump the gun and open with praise.

It honestly works.

Is it just with your sister or everyone? I was jealous just across the board - but my faking compliments and faking being positive about everybody else somehow actually stuck in my brain.

Now, mostly, when I compliment people to their faces, I genuinely am way less bothered and am actually happy for them.

BarleyMcGrew · 07/05/2025 14:49

I read recently that jealous thoughts can be closely connected to OCD. Is this you OP, if so maybe look at approaches for that.

LeaveALittleNote · 07/05/2025 14:50

I think you need professional help to overcome this. A relative of mine was jealous of me in this way and it destroyed the relationship between us.

Swipe left for the next trending thread