I’m a jealous person

[jealy]

I know Im being ridiculous please knock sense into me. Im jealous that my sister might get pregnant. Her baby will be newer and more exciting than my baby. She’s just finished her PhD. I also have a PhD but now she’s also gone and got one. I have thoughts like ‘how dare she’. I wish I could just be lighter and less like this.

Im so jealous and insecure. What can I do about it? What are your experiences of this?

Believe me it’s worse the other way around. I have a sister who has had a tough life and also
can’t have kids and is deeply unhappy and depressed. I would be so happy if she was just about to have a PHD and a baby. Count your blessings, OP.

Was your sister the favourite child growing up OP?
This sounds horribly painful for you

Why can you do about this? Maybe try to think about how you'd feel if your sister was unhappy? Won't it be nice that your children are of a similar age?

Very difficult to understand this. What do you think is the root cause? Do your parents encourage competition between you?

Well, you have two choices — either you start hanging around solely with childfree people you consider underachievers, which means you need to request a full CV from every potential acquaintance to check it for the right level of lack of qualification, and you ditch longterm friends and family when they have newer and more exciting babies or write newer and more exciting papers, OR you change your mindset.

I agree that this needs professional help. Your parents probably have a lot to answer for.

I don't often get jealous. There is nothing about both you and your sister getting a PhD - well bloody done btw to both of you - that requires bad feeling from you. A rising tide lifts all boats. Nobody will base their decision to have a child on your feelings, not ever. Lose that idea immediately, it's completely pointless.

Someone's paper getting promoted above yours might be irritating. That would annoy me. Men do get promoted more than women sometimes. What you might need to do is to promote yourself more, and that way challenge the patriarchy a little. Not fair that you may have to do that, but realistic.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria has been a really bloody useful thing for me to learn about. Some of your reactions sound very similar. Give it a google and see if anything clicks there.

But seriously: jealousy is the most pointless emotion. Parents are crap, employers are insensitive, everyone wants to better themselves, some people have more money or beauty, possessions are empty of meaning, babies are born daily and the world keeps turning: none of these things are worth taking personally.

You need to develop tunnel vision, keeping your eyes straight ahead on your own life, child (if you have one) and achievements rather than looking left and right all the time to check what's happening in your sisters life. Its difficult as its changing the habit of a lifetime, but you need to train yourself to do it. So everytime you start dwelling on your sister, force your thoughts to something you're happy with in your own life.You have no control whatsoever about what her life looks like, but you can, with work, control how much headspace you allow that to occupy. Distract yourself. Do something you love. Take an interest in other things and let them crowd out the jealous thoughts.

Is this light hearted? You obvs have good self awareness... or is it a genuine problem?

Jealousy is essentially an expression of anxiety, about losing things that you need such as love and attachment, I think it speaks volumes that both you and your sister are such high achievers, and that this is where you are most triggered. Some good quality therapy to look at your family dynamic and attachment style might be very helpful to unpick this.

It’s really good that you’re able to articulate it, ignore the unkind and unhelpful comments on this thread. We all feel difficult feelings sometimes.

I’ve had many years of therapy and ended up finding schema therapy which has been life changing for me. I have not worked with a schema therapist, but I’ve read the book (naff title , but illuminating, I think it’s called how to change your life) and just read up loads about it.

There is a slightly cheesy podcast on Spotify called the good mood clinic, if you can get past the occasionally cringe presentation, the content is actually very good, that’s been mostly what I’ve used and it’s really helped across the board.

good luck, be kind to yourself

You’re going to ruin your own life with jealousy.

Yeh I said it’s not rational, I get that

Genuine. I know I have to redirect the thoughts and I know they are irrational. But I just can’t

Thank you 😊

Your sister is "copying you" with her baby and PhD, and it sounds like you have some significant family issues if "copying " is still driving you crazy as an adult. Therapy for you might unpick it.

I like this. Like I sent her a huge bunch of flowers for passing her viva, it did actually make me ‘feel better’ but I also felt super fake. Like I just did the right thing sending her flowers and saying congratulations, but I didn’t feel happy for her at all.

She’s a lovely person as well. If she was a cow I think it would make things easier 😂

I think this is a lot more common than people admit.

How can you transform your current thoughts to more positive ones eg think that if your sister gets pregnant too it will be positive because your child will have a cousin, another child in the family to develop a close bond to and better dynamics when the whole family get together as the DCs can play together. When your DSis becomes a mum it will bring you closer together too- you’ll have motherhood in common and will boost your self esteem if she asks your advice due to your extra experience.

The PHD- think how this boosts the impression your family makes overall- wow to have not just one doctor in your birth family but two, that’s very unusual and special and should make you doubly proud.

Was there a dynamic of her being the favourite growing up?

Out of interest- did you each self support yourselves through PhD? It was it paid for by family ? Feels relaxant.. maybe she’s trying to keep up with you. ??

Someone else’s success and achievements don’t detract from yours. This feels like a scarcity mindset. There is enough care to go around for you all. Have you always felt like things slip away from you?

There must be something you’re not happy about in your life that’s making you feel this way? She’s not even achieving things that you haven’t already achieved, so I’m not sure what you’re jealous of!

Can you take up a hobby, or set yourself some personal goals, to take your mind off comparing yourself to your sister/others? Exercise and fitness goals really help me focus on my own path and not worry about what anyone else is doing.

@jealy if you're into "self-help" this may illuminate

My mum's jealous of everything and it's not a nice trait. I'm only saying this to make you aware that it's always obvious when someone is jealous, no matter how well they think they're hiding it. I would seek professional help to overcome it if you need to.

We all feel jealous sometimes. I’m an only child and have an only child not through choice, and I’m really jealous of people who have siblings and whose children have cousins. You’re lucky. Try and think of it that way maybe? Someone could be looking at your life thinking “I’d love that”

You could work on raising your self esteem as it seems very low.

This is not really about your sister.

it is about you.

get therapy to stop you hurting you.

I think academia is awful for fostering envy, so many high-achieving competitive people competing for a diminishing number of prizes, ambiguous status (a lot of people don’t really understand what academics do or find it unbearably wanky), and objectively not-great pay. (I know it has its upsides as well!) I wonder if part of the issue is just the sector you work in. You sound self-aware, maybe factor in the fact that it’s not your fault the university sector is in the state it’s in, and it does lend itself to feelings of insecurity.