Dating sister's ex

[LoveFridaynight]

It finally happened. I have 2 DDs 18 and 16. 17 year old has been out with a few different boys in the last couple of years, which is fine. 16 year old has never had a boyfriend.
One of DDs ex boyfriend is on the same course as my youngest. They became very friendly and he's now asked her out. DD1 is fuming even though they were never serious.
I get it though. You don't date your sisters ex. I'm not being unreasonable to think that am I? I feel for my youngest DD. She's autistic and struggles socially so she's thrilled to be asked out but why him? He knows they are sisters so why ask her out anyway.
I feel I should tell youngest to turn him down. Am I being unreasonable to say you don't date your sisters ex?

@Stubtoe By talking to her.

This update changes it somewhat!

It sounds like DD1 has concerns about his general behaviour. If he crashed his car at speed showing off, I wouldn't be very keen.

So I would now be concerned that DD2, who you have described as ND, is about to date someone a few years older than her who is sexually active and has no regard for his or anyone else's safety.

I did wonder if he was using her to get back at her sister but I obviously can't prove that. On the other hand they were together over six months ago so I would hope he'd be over it by now.
I think it's weird he wants to date the sister of his ex though

Oooph sounds a bit suspect tbf but it's one of those things you have to let go as a life lesson and hope the younger dd can navigate it appropriately.

I would discourage this.

1. The car crash (and it seems like it's all within the last year so quite recent) shows he's immature and dangerous.

1. He had sex with DD1 and now wants to put his penis in dd2 less than a year later? I find this disgusting, does dd2 not find that disgusting too?

I think with her ASD you have to gently guide her if possible

The car crash incident would be my first concern. Does he still drive like an idiot, if so then I would be talking to her about not getting in a car with him first of all

I also think (as some PP have said) it's a bit 'urgh' to pursue the younger sister of a previous girlfriend and would be wondering about his motives. But I can see it might be hard to explain your concerns to a 16 daughter who is ND and this potentially more vulnerable already. I think you have to try, without taking a heavy handed 'forbid' approach - and as you have said, get more info from your older DD on what her comment meant

I feel especially how his behaviour was then its possible that he is doing it on purpose. Maybe sister can have a proper chat and tell her what he was actually like and just say I want better for you.
I'd also tell DD that obviously she can do what she pleases but just be prepared that it could ruin her relationship with older sister forever.

They can, absolutely. But teenage boys can also just be very simple minded.

Dated her, didn't work, broke up. Like her, want to date her. Simple.

My sister married by first boyfriend (years later). It's a little odd but I'm just happy she's happy.

As teens though I think most people would struggle with this. That doesn't mean I don't think your daughter should say no.

Just read the car crash thing, I don't think anyone should date him.

Given the update I would be having a firm talking to her. You obviously can’t control her but teenage boys can be grim. He’ll be going around bragging he’s shagged two sisters.

From an objective and rational perspective it’s perfectly fine. They were never serious and it’s very unlikely DD2 will go on to marry him. However if that was me and my sister there would have been a blood bath. It would’ve been one of those where my mum would’ve had to pry us apart and lock us in separate rooms.

Honestly I think you need to let them work it out themselves, but I’d tell DD2 it’s not the done thing. Also I would tell her to be wary of this boy. He may well be doing it to piss off your other DD, and he will almost definitely be bragging to his mates he’s shagged them both or something vulgar like that. Maybe he isn’t like that, but when I worked with teenage boys they were all like that, even the sweet ones.

This. And DD2 is vulnerable. Sickening.

The reckless driving would worry me MUCH more than anything else - I’d be teaching both my DDs that this is a giant red flag. After crashing the car with your eldest daughter in it I’m shocked the idiot is even allowed within a mile of your kids, OP.

As a secondary issue, the thought of dating someone my sister had slept with is absolutely revolting, so I’d advise her to steer clear on that front too!

My very first thought was that the boy is using your younger daughter to either prove a point or he’s just getting off on the idea of being with the sister of his ex. Each of your updates reinforces that even more tbh.

I’d be very wary of this, and your older DD’s warning of “you don’t know what he’s like” would be ringing all kinds of alarm bells for me.

I don’t know what to advise I’m afraid, but I would be worried.

The fact he crashed the car with your daughter inside due to dangerous speed would be a massive worry too.

I think being together a few months is a little different to somone,you have had a few snogs,with even though it's not serious
Both me and my sister are in our 50,s now and when younger both kissed a few
of the same boys ,but I don't think I could ever have sex with Someone had
You can't forbid it though

Years ago, when I was a college lecturer, a pair of twins I taught dropped back to say hi a year after they left, and show me their babies - I said something like, oh, both the same age, they replied to all in the offices horror "same father"!!!
interesting family dynamic there!!

As a young stupid teen I 'dated' my older sisters ex. I knew she'd be home & deliberately took him to the house to piss her off (it didn't 😂)
When it didn't get the reaction I was looking for I dropped him.

I like my sister now btw.

You are obviously looking out for your daughters. Keep doing that and they will be fine 🏵

Well, if he was showing off and crashed, I wouldn't let your daughter in the car with him for a few years and I would try to put her off him altogether as he sounds like an irresponsible idiot.

I wouldn’t let any one near my family who had crashed their car with my daughter in it

Your youngest DD is in the wrong but you should stay out of it.

Keep out of it. Let them sort this out. My niece married my other nieces ex.

You cannot tell your daughter not to go out with this guy. But of fucking course she shouldn't. Maybe it's best to have her older sister tell her why it's a bad idea to date this creep, and help her brainstorm how to prepare for a real first date with someone who likes her for her?

To those advising OP to stay out of it: her youngest DD is a child with additional vulnerabilities, and the boy in question could’ve killed her eldest DD by driving dangerously. The situation a bit more complex than a normal minor spat over a boy!

I don't think it's OK to date your sister's ex, ever, when your sister clearly says she isn't OK with it. If she was fine with it, no problem, but your DD1 clearly said she's uncomfortable with it, for whatever reason. There are enough fish in the sea to throw this one back. I know that if that had happened between me and my big sister, she would have never forgotten it and our relationship would have suffered - she's a very sensitive, insecure person and she wouldn't have trusted me the same way ever again. It's not worth creating such a crack in your daughters' relationship. I'd explain to your DD2 that she can feel flattered and happy to be asked out, but that once people have had a relationship, however short, it's part of them and it could cause mistrust between her and her sister, so not worth it.