Is he 'sensitive' or controlling?

[Finulasfriend]

We've been seeing each other five months, but taking it slowly because I've been working really hard and studying too, and he's involved in a research project that takes him away a lot. Nice guy, was beginning to think that this time I'd struck lucky and had found someone uncomplicated. I'm friendly with one of his former colleagues who talked about him and put us in touch professionally and things developed from there. Our first RL date was the best I've ever been on. Immediate chemistry, lots to talk about, made me laugh.

Before our second date he told me that he's sensitive to perfumes and would I mind not wearing scent when we were due to meet? No problem for me: I don't normally wear it anyway. After the fourth date we slept together in a hotel and spent the following day with each other. He asked me to shower with unperfumed body wash before we had sex and was quite concerned about how scented my Fussy deodorant was. As a result I had to go out and find an unscented natural deodorant the next morning. It didn't seem very effective and our nice time together was slightly marred by me feeling self-conscious about whiffy pits. I get that some people have intolerances to perfume, so I figured it was just a matter of changing products. He's also asked me to change my moisturiser and foundation: apparently the foundation is scented, though I never noticed it.

I assumed that if he was so sensitive and wanting to get up close and personal with me he'd take a daily anti-histamine or something to deal with his intolerance, but he doesn't. When I asked how he copes travelling on the tube and buses, or conferences, he says he just puts up with it. But he can't put up with my deodorant...

The first time I drove him in my car he got in and immediately fiddled with the heating and aircon without asking me whether I was comfortable, or whether I minded the aircon on. It seemed rude, and when I said 'Thanks for asking about my preferences' sarcastically he was quite defensive and talked about getting travel sick and needing plenty of fresh air. Again, his needs seem to have overridden mine.

We've stayed with each other several times now. I feel quite at home with him, no horrible surprises, and it's easy — except that he has total silence in his home and gets quite agitated if the neighbours make any noise. If I want to listen to anything I have to do it using earbuds. His home, his rules: I can do that. On Sunday he arrived at my place while I was preparing some food in the kitchen and listening to a podcast, which I was playing on a speaker. It wasn't very loud. He walked in, pulled a face and immediately turned it off. I said 'Oi, I was listening to that' and he said 'Well, you can't listen to it when I'm here, can you?'

I found myself saying that he was welcome to come and spend time with me in my home, but if I wanted to listen to something at reasonable volume, without earbuds, then he was going to have to tolerate it. He thought that was unreasonable and I ended up saying that I didn't think we were going to be able to enjoy spending time together if everything had to revolve around his sensitivities. He left, upset. We had a long conversation in the evening. He says he's confused: he's falling for me, he'd really like to make this relationship work — but he's sensitive to noise and smells and he really needs someone who'll understand that and be happy to change her life to accommodate him.

I'm all over the place at the moment. Am I being selfish? Don't relationships involve give and take? Do I just get over my sense of being controlled by his sensitivity and just get used to silence and unscented deodorant and being a bit too cool in the car? AIBU?

Why wouldn’t she leave the podcast on?! She can do whatever she wants in her own home! The man is a tit

I have a friend who developed an extreme smell sensitivity in adulthood. It’s quite disabling. Smells other people would barely register cause vomiting and violent headaches. He doesn’t go to the theatre or cinema or gigs, his workplace has a no-scent policy, I don’t wear perfume or scented deodorant if I know I’m going to see him, and he once spent several weeks sleeping on the floor of a house he was selling because something slightly wrong with the plumbing in the house he’d just bought meant he couldn’t stay in there for more than ten minutes without feeling very ill. Once when the condition was fairly new, his brother forgot and wore deodorant before picking him up for a two-hour drive to a big sports match. Even though the brother got out at the first lay-by and scrubbed his armpits with a bottle of water, my friend had to give up and make his own way home.

He says he knows someone who is so badly affected that she had to stop working as an interior designer and live by herself in a remote rural area where the terrain means there’s little farming activity. Hers eventually became far less extreme.

But none of that means you need to be in a relationship with Yoir guy. It’s not working for you.

Perfume and podcasts are two little luxuries in my life. It would be a no from me.

he sounds like hard work. From what you’ve written I would let him go

I was with someone like this for a while. It of course go worse over time. The tension in the house, no radio allowed, no washing machine allowed, no dishwasher allowed, no TV allowed. RUN

He's not necessarily controlling because he wants to control you IYSWIM, it's just intolerable to him. But he hasn't explained this well to you or actually asked. I would guess he's autistic and used to being accommodated. But yeah it sounds too restrictive to live with. I'm sound sensitive, I will control the volume and type of music when I'm in a confined space with someone e.g. driving (obviously if I was a passenger I would ask politely). If it's playing in a room I would just go in another room. I'm OK with normal scents and I think it would find this hard to live with in another person, I'd probably be ok with the sound thing.

You are lucky you spotted the signs this early on. I didn’t.

His needs will always be more important than yours. Don’t do it to yourself please. I know you like him, but he will destroy what makes you ‘you’ if you stay with him.

Amen to this! Super controlling and overbearing to dictate you what to use for washing, make up etc and simply adjusting / stopping things in your house and car.

If hes comfortable doing this now imagine what follows…

I think he's sensitive AND controlling. They aren't mutually exclusive. I was wary about suggesting autism/ND as I know that can be criticised on here as an overused go-to so I'm glad others have mentioned it.

He sounds very like my father who is almost certainly on the spectrum (me, my son and nephew all have ND diagnoses). My dad lives a very insular life and my mum panders to him. So did we have to when living at home. That's what life would be like with this man if he isn't willing or able to compromise.

It already sounds like he feels that his wishes should be taken into account and what you want dismissed. These are the early days too, when he should be mad about you and trying to keep you happy. It's unlikely that he will treat you with more consideration in the future than he is doing now.

It's a shame if he is nice and you are well matched in other ways but it's really not worth a lifetime of silence and crushed choices. Tell him to go and live in a silent commune, though he'll have to find one with no incense so the Buddhists are probably a no go.

It's not necessarily controlling.
My DD can just about cope with noises and smells outside of the home for short periods because she has to if she wants to do anything, but she reaches her limit and needs it to be less of a sensory overload at home. She has ASD. I think this is fairly typical of a lot of people.

He is being quite rude about it, but it may be a genuine need and he is struggling to communicate it politely when he is overwhelmed.

I think you have already decided but just to be clear ... YOU don't need to change to become someone's ideal partner. We all should be willing to make small tweaks of course (eg not eat nuts if DP is allergic, change deodorant if necessary) but not change how you live and enjoy life. YOU are important, your wishes are important, his do not trump yours.

It’s not so much the sensitivities he has, it’s the fact that he feels entitled to come into your home and turn off the podcast.

He sounds neurodiverse but rather than compromise, he expects you to do all of the adapting to him.

He doesn’t sound like a bad person but I can’t see him ever being able to have children and I think if this is the honeymoon period, I bet he is a thousand times worse when you feel more comfortable with one another.

^^This.

He's already made it clear that he expects you to accommodate him - absolutely no give from him whatsoever.

The fact that he's civilised, turns up on time etc., is the minimum - it's not the high watermark.

It’s all very selective isn’t it? I’m glad you’ve decided to give him the shove. Given that he has such a powerful sense of smell I think there’s a good chance he is a werewolf.

I can’t stand other people’s noise. I find it very jarring. Especially if they put on music or a loud film or FUCKING FOOTBALL😅 But I would never ever switch it off or otherwise take over control of someone else’s choices. I have been with DP for many years. He wanders around the house with the football playing from a crappy little speaker. I usually shoot him a dirty look if he hangs about too long, or take myself off to another room. It just hits some part of my brain that genuinely makes me want to cry.

But this man’s behaviour is extremely concerning. I think you should count yourself lucky that he didn’t manage to keep this behaviour hidden until further down the line. Perhaps the fact he can’t hide it would suggest that he’s not being deliberately manipulative or controlling but genuinely struggles with these things and instinctively rushes to fix his environment. But would you really want to live like that?

It's a no from me

Oh gosh - what a lot of hard work !!!

it's not ' just ' perfume but telling you re body wash and deodorant etc then make up, any minute now you'll be told not to wear make up...

and now the ' noise '

what next ?!!!

Its hard to know if he's super sensitive as it is a thing, but if he can tolerate it on the tube and in daily life where smells and sounds are hard to cope with then is it that pronounced? Or is he using all his masking energy and then needs to control what he feels he can?

If you don't want to face this for a lifetime and if he isn't willing to get therapy or something for it as it is more of an imposition on you really than him then the relationship sadly doesn't have legs. I love cooking with a podcast or audio book so I'd be annoyed to lose that in your situation!

Yuck, same!

It sounds like you’re dating Niles Crane!!!

But you’re right to end things, this sounds like far too much hard work. Thankfully, you’re not in too deep so it should be an easy break.

I hope you have much better luck next time around! 😊

Nah, fuck that. You’ll be walking on eggshells the entire time and he will just get worse and worse. Life is too short for all that nonsense, particularly when he will change the rules when it suits him, but not you. How does the poor man survive in the real world! Onwards and upwards op.

Oh does sound like too much hard work.

However he may not be lying or controlling - my autistic ds can smell scent that no one else can and it’s really uncomfortable for him.

But he understands that’s a him problem and has coping strategies to cope with it rather than telling others what they can and can’t wear.

Fuck that shit

I’d be running 🏃‍♀️

Whatever the reason for his noise and odour intolerances, he sounds like a very bad candidate to start a family with, if that’s on the cards!

Well done for putting yourself first OP.