Is he 'sensitive' or controlling?

[Finulasfriend]

We've been seeing each other five months, but taking it slowly because I've been working really hard and studying too, and he's involved in a research project that takes him away a lot. Nice guy, was beginning to think that this time I'd struck lucky and had found someone uncomplicated. I'm friendly with one of his former colleagues who talked about him and put us in touch professionally and things developed from there. Our first RL date was the best I've ever been on. Immediate chemistry, lots to talk about, made me laugh.

Before our second date he told me that he's sensitive to perfumes and would I mind not wearing scent when we were due to meet? No problem for me: I don't normally wear it anyway. After the fourth date we slept together in a hotel and spent the following day with each other. He asked me to shower with unperfumed body wash before we had sex and was quite concerned about how scented my Fussy deodorant was. As a result I had to go out and find an unscented natural deodorant the next morning. It didn't seem very effective and our nice time together was slightly marred by me feeling self-conscious about whiffy pits. I get that some people have intolerances to perfume, so I figured it was just a matter of changing products. He's also asked me to change my moisturiser and foundation: apparently the foundation is scented, though I never noticed it.

I assumed that if he was so sensitive and wanting to get up close and personal with me he'd take a daily anti-histamine or something to deal with his intolerance, but he doesn't. When I asked how he copes travelling on the tube and buses, or conferences, he says he just puts up with it. But he can't put up with my deodorant...

The first time I drove him in my car he got in and immediately fiddled with the heating and aircon without asking me whether I was comfortable, or whether I minded the aircon on. It seemed rude, and when I said 'Thanks for asking about my preferences' sarcastically he was quite defensive and talked about getting travel sick and needing plenty of fresh air. Again, his needs seem to have overridden mine.

We've stayed with each other several times now. I feel quite at home with him, no horrible surprises, and it's easy — except that he has total silence in his home and gets quite agitated if the neighbours make any noise. If I want to listen to anything I have to do it using earbuds. His home, his rules: I can do that. On Sunday he arrived at my place while I was preparing some food in the kitchen and listening to a podcast, which I was playing on a speaker. It wasn't very loud. He walked in, pulled a face and immediately turned it off. I said 'Oi, I was listening to that' and he said 'Well, you can't listen to it when I'm here, can you?'

I found myself saying that he was welcome to come and spend time with me in my home, but if I wanted to listen to something at reasonable volume, without earbuds, then he was going to have to tolerate it. He thought that was unreasonable and I ended up saying that I didn't think we were going to be able to enjoy spending time together if everything had to revolve around his sensitivities. He left, upset. We had a long conversation in the evening. He says he's confused: he's falling for me, he'd really like to make this relationship work — but he's sensitive to noise and smells and he really needs someone who'll understand that and be happy to change her life to accommodate him.

I'm all over the place at the moment. Am I being selfish? Don't relationships involve give and take? Do I just get over my sense of being controlled by his sensitivity and just get used to silence and unscented deodorant and being a bit too cool in the car? AIBU?

Dump.
Tedious, selfish, self absorbed.

Definitely not father material.
Not someone to inflict on a child.

The type that would always have something wrong with them.

Would grow worse as he ages.

NOT someone to ever live with.
Sorry OP.

It's not that he's sensitive to artificial smells and background noise - I am too - it's that he expects a romantic partner to change everyday things about the way they are to suit him. That's where he's going wrong. The person you share a home with needs to be broadly compatible to start with. He should have explained and offered friendship instead of romantic relationship as soon as he realised his nose/ears were uncomfortable. Immediately embarking on a project to mold you to his requirements is very weird and yes, controlling.

Well done for nipping this in the bud so early - we need a MN award for such moments!

Nah....it sounds like OP was pretty accommodating to start with. Coming into someone else's home and turning off their radio is rude from whatever angle you look at it.
Getting in someone's car and making it comfortable for yourself w/o any consideration for the other person is rude.
It seems like OP would need to make all the compromises while this chap marches around making the environment suit his needs 'because of sensitivities'.
I wonder how he gets on at work.

Yes, the sensitivities in themselves don't need to be an issue but the lack of awareness of the effect your sensitivities are having on others is an issue.

I haven’t read through all the replies , just a few. Sounds like my 12 year old daughter, she can’t eat with us, she hates the noise, she hates my smell, she is very sensitive to certain noise and smells. She can seem controlling. I took her to be assessed with adhd but psychologist say maybe asd, too. I would say he’s going to be hard work for you. My daughter puts up with eating thing out with friend and at school but meltdown at home. She also fiddles with my air con and radio, I can’t have radio on, she turns it right down so I can’t hear.

i don’t think he controlling in the abusive sense, because my daughter can be like that, and she once asked me to change my smell? I don’t smell but she picked up on something. And she got angry. It’s too much hard work. My daughter will always come first but I couldn’t put up with a. Man like that. What if you live together?

Think long-term here...how is he going to cope with the smells a baby makes? How about cleaning products, is that a no go too? What about the noise children make? If he can't cope with a podcast or a deodorant smell, then it doesn't bode well for the future. I understand he is sensitive to smells and noise but you can't change your entire life, to suit him. He needs to find ways of coping, rather than expecting others to pander to his needs.

Are you seriously asking whether you should be in a long term relationship with someone who has this many issues this early on? Imagine him as a father! Imagine spending years upon years of living with someone you can’t be yourself with. Listening to the radio in the kitchen is such a basic pleasure. I’d tell him it’s been lovely getting to know him but the pair of you are incompatible.

It’s not his sensitivities that would be the main issue for me as there could be ways to compromise if you really wanted to make it work, but the sheer entitlement by turning off your podcast and fiddling with the settings in your car is the issue. Both of those would give me the rage! I’m very sensitive to temperature. If I’m slightly warm I feel overwhelmed or too cold I get headaches. I have my car set to exactly what’s right for me and if anyone got in my car and interfered with that without asking, it would be a huge red flag for me. Entitled people belong in the bin!

Why are you putting on your shoes daddy? Why the brown shoes? Why are you going to work? Why do you need your shoes for work? Why do people wear shoes at work? Why are you putting on your brown shoes? Why not your blue shoes? I’m wearing my blue shoes, why can you not wear your blue shoes? Why doesn’t work want you wear your blue shoes? Why why why why why why why why

yep, doesn’t sound like a plan to have kids with mr sensitive acopic!

This is so controlling, OP. And you’re only a few months in. This is supposed to be the really fun bit!!

Well he clearly has sensory issues - from a mother with a child with sensory processing disorder that’s obvious to see. He’s probably also neurodivergent. It’s whether or not you can cope in that relationship. I’d have a good talk with him and tell him how it’s affecting you. If he really cares for you he will do his best to compromise and make adjustments. If he isn’t willing to try then I think best you walk away.

It would have been wise of him to have mentioned the degree that his sensitivities impact his life and of those around him before dating. He doesn't seem to have much awareness of how rude he's coming across as.

Is he autistic? I think this would be difficult to manage.

Throw this one back.

He sounds exhausting. Imagine having kids with him?!

I have Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD and ASD. I find bright lights and combined noises incredibly hard to cope with - its genuinely painful for me - and I've changed bits of my life around it. He could definitely have something like this.

However, he could also be a controlling twat at the very same time. He's possibly grown into his intolerance as an adult and finds it harder to share his space or compromise.

None of this is your issue however: he's also rude and thoughtless in how he communicates with you and neurodivergence is not an excuse for that. I agree that if you give him an inch, he'll expect 10 miles and it will just get worse. Sorry OP.

I have ASD and am sensitive to noise, smells, textures etc.. I can communicate my preferences / needs without causing insult. I can also tolerate things. He sounds like hard work and is inflexible so I’d ditch him.

Yes, there's a very very good reason why there hasn't been anyone for a while.

You need to join that happy clan.

This is the thin end of a massive wedge he is softening you up to swallow.

Drop this now. This level of entitlement will leave you a shell of a person.

Nope, I’d say the same for a man or woman acting like that! Life is too short to feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

I would find it controlling. The one thing I understand is not wearing strong perfume - my DH is affected by some strong perfumed, gets headaches. But deodorant?! Come on. And turning someone else’s radio off in their home is weird AF.

I am sympathetic to his sensitivities up to a point and using ear buds in his home. However, you are compromising there and he needs to compromise at yours - he can't say well you can't listen when I'm here - you wouldn't say well you must listen when I'm there. Also, if he has to tolerate it on the bus and tubes where those smells will be much ,much stronger than your deodorant even if you were sticking your armpits under his nose, he could try and compromise with you. Apart from what you like and your skin likes - changing skin care will be costly. Where will it end - shampoo and conditioner - food smells ? I think it is the expectation you will make all the changes and he tells you what he prefers.

Yes. He needs to print out a list of his “demands/expectations” of a partner and make sure they are happy to sign up to it on the first date.

• No perfume
• No scented deodorant
• No music or radio
• no say in whether the air conditioning is turned up in the car

(he probably has more, this is likely the tip of the iceberg as he’s been on “best behaviour”)

He’s training you OP. You will lose yourself in him in this relationship. He has no regard for your needs/wants/desires. He wants a nice doll that puts up and shuts up, not a partner or an equal.

He's super sensitive but the problem is that his needs then become very controlling because of the changes to your norm. It also sounds like he's not communicating very well. He's either scared of telling you how sensitive he is, in case you think he's a freak, or he is a crap communicator.

I'm mega sensitive - the deodorant one is awful. I had to ask my husband to change his as the smell would get in my mouth and I can taste it all day. Which leads to a migraine. Loud sounds can make me feel queasy and heat in a car can leave me disoriented all day. Believe me, it's also a nightmare on the other side of this - similar to a disability if you can't control your environment.

This will just be the tip of the iceberg with him. You'll have to decide if this is something you can be accommodating of. It doesn't sound like it to me though and you could make each other very unhappy. I communicate well with my husband and he wants to help me feel comfortable. That's because we love and respect each other...and it wasn't always like this for me. It's got worse over the years for me but I think it's a toxin overload. You can also see very visibly with me when it's happening - my hands and ears go bright red and start to swell.

The scent thing is tricky- I suffer from migraines caused by scented products and cannot be around heavily scented people/ places (even vapes sets it off)- so if he has that then he has my sympathies. Antihistamines won’t make a difference - it’s not an allergy. But there are mild scented deodorants you can use - the cotton Wild deodorant is a mild scent and effective.
what the problem with this chap seems to be is his unwillingness to compromise or adapt- if you’re listening to a podcast why does it need to be turned off- why can’t he put noise cancelling headphones on? Why is the TV only what he wants to watch? If he wants you to change your scented products then he needs to adapt too. He sounds stuck in his ways!

Sounds like he's neurodivergent. He possibly doesn't realise how unreasonable it is - sometimes things can come across as incredibly selfish when actually a person with ASD can't see things from the other perspective.

I think it's worth explaining very clearly, and absolutely transparently what is at stake and how you feel - if he has ASD he won't be picking up on your subtle hints about what you are finding difficult. You need to be straight down the line honest and blunt.

But, you can get a person with ASD who is genuinely also selfish. So he might just be not worth the hassle.

But he doesn’t seem to mind the noises from the music he wants to listen to or the TV shows he wants to watch? It’s not sensitivity, it’s bloody entitlement.