To expect my 4 yo to walk next to me in public?

[JustSoFrustrated]

Any time we go anywhere, my DD (she turns 4 next month) just won't walk near my side like a normal human being. She'll run off to touch everything in a shop, even after I ask her not to multiple times, or trail behind me, and then slow down when I slow down because I have to keep turning back to make sure she's there or wait for her to catch up. If I ask her to walk in front of me, she runs and doesn't go the right direction or pay attention to where we're going. Every five seconds I 'm calling her name to try to correct her, to the point where she just starts ignoring me unless I raise my voice. It makes me want to tear my hair out!

I've tried holding her hand, but she'll either wriggle out of my grasp or start walking weirdly, in a way that slows us down considerably. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't even shop because I'm too focused on trying to keep an eye on her... And I see other mums out and about with similarly-aged children walking by their sides. AIBU to expect that of mine?

(I will not be responding to any nasty or assumptive replies.)

I think that is probably the default setting for most 4YOs. They can be very trying.

I would get something like a little life backpack to use until she learns to walk with you sensibly.

She’s really young - has she just turned four?
get back pack reins or just a accept your shopping will take longer

She’s probably bored - shopping for a 4 year old is incredibly dull.

Mine didn’t.

This is completely normal, in my experience. My six year old usually runs ahead, it's like he can't help himself.

And yes, the others are right - don't take small children shopping. Once they're out of the pushchair it's impossible, they get bored and tired.

My Ds is just 5. I tend to hold his hand still when we are out walking somewhere like town centres.
He only walks ahead when no traffic like in parks or Small side streets where there no shops

My 7 year old still doesn't walk next to me. Can't walk in a straight line, can't match pace, often lags behind or runs in front, picks up everything even though I've told him about a million times not to pick things up off the floor etc. I've accepted he probably won't do it until he's about 25 in all honesty

Sounds normal for her age. With that being said have you considered she may be dyspraxic? I was tested for it when I was in primary school and a major part is coordination, balance etc. I’ve grown a lot out of it now but I used to zig zag when walking because I couldn’t walk in a straight line and generally your daughter sounds like me! I am 26 now.

Well mine are now young adults but they were also like this and if they wouldn’t hold hands we user reins. Oh and I would leave if they didn’t respond to warnings. And there was a reward eg the park or a small treat for listening to me. They are well adjusted men now. Reins are the easiest if she struggles with impulse control.

What are the consequences when she runs off and misbehaves?

I know four is young but I don't think it's so young that she can't understand how to behave in public. If nursery aged children can do it on trips to the park etc. then a four year old can.

Love grocery delivery. My kids are almost 3 and 5. Either one of them with constant reminders might stay close and not touching stuff for the 3 seconds it takes to look well behaved but the whole thing is a nightmare. I make myself take them to low stakes shopping trips as practice and it kills me. I find it works better to tell them what to do (hands behind your back, stay close, come back) than to constantly shout no. But it’s still lots of shouting and coaching and all nonstop.

3 kids, all went through a 'trying' phase when out and about. You need to keep reinforcing the expectation, a lot of patience as they try to establish their boundaries are needed. Consistency is all I've got really.

My son was like this at age 4. He absolutely wouldn’t hold hands and generally wanted to do his own thing in a very lively way. I had to watch him all the time and grab him if I thought he was about to do something dangerous. I used to look at other people and wonder how they got their kids to listen to them (also felt a bit judged TBH). Then I had my younger child who would happily walk next to me holding hands (so relaxing!) and realised kids just have different personalities, and crucially I was not a bad parent :)

I'd put reins on her. I would be clear... walk holding my hands or you'll go on reins. No ifs or buts. If I can't trust you to walk together and be safe then that's the consequence.

I would put reins on her.

I feel your pain OP. Mine is also four and to give him his dues he will hold my hand next to roads and car parks etc because I’ve made it non negotiable, I told him it’s about being safe and if he doesn’t do it we must leave, he seems to accept that.
But in shops I do find it really stressful, he’s not even that bad either bless him, he just loves to explore and look at things, four year olds are inquisitive little creatures.
I think it helps if I tell him he can walk around but must stay close where I can see him, obviously sometimes the temptation is just too much I can almost see him thinking “Fuck it, it’s worth it” before bolting. He’ll grow out of it.

So you have a normal 4 year old then?

Reins are the answer. My daughter was a bolter until she was almost five (like me at her age).

There are the ridiculous people who liken them to dog leads but I'd rather my DC restrained slightly rather than dead in the road.

Well, thank you all for your answers. I feel better hearing that she's probably normal, but also a bit worse knowing I'm just gonna have to deal with it! 😅

Both mine were bolters (my 3yo still is occasionally!) You need to work on training her not to run away. We practised loads in (safe) fields and then in shops, lots of praise for walking nicely, put on reins if they run away. Car parks and roads they have to hold my hand, if they try to escape its an iron grip and ignore the tears. My 5yo is great at staying with me, or can be trusted to run ahead but stay in sight and come back if asked. I'm jealous of the people who it looks effortless for, but I also know people who never bothered, we know one 5yo who's terrifying as he'll just run off across a car park, round corners on busy streets etc. We try to only meet them indoors now.

I think the advice on using a backpack with built in reins, or setting clear expectations and leaving if not met are good advice. It's not safe for a 4 year old to running about in lots of places - traffic, knocking into people etc.

It might be a normal impulse but can be dangerous, so needs to be managed and corrected.

She’s 4.

So shouldn't be running around in streets or busy places, as it's not safe.

Just put backpack reins on her. Or in a buggy so you can shop in peace.