To expect my 4 yo to walk next to me in public?

[JustSoFrustrated]

Any time we go anywhere, my DD (she turns 4 next month) just won't walk near my side like a normal human being. She'll run off to touch everything in a shop, even after I ask her not to multiple times, or trail behind me, and then slow down when I slow down because I have to keep turning back to make sure she's there or wait for her to catch up. If I ask her to walk in front of me, she runs and doesn't go the right direction or pay attention to where we're going. Every five seconds I 'm calling her name to try to correct her, to the point where she just starts ignoring me unless I raise my voice. It makes me want to tear my hair out!

I've tried holding her hand, but she'll either wriggle out of my grasp or start walking weirdly, in a way that slows us down considerably. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't even shop because I'm too focused on trying to keep an eye on her... And I see other mums out and about with similarly-aged children walking by their sides. AIBU to expect that of mine?

(I will not be responding to any nasty or assumptive replies.)

My eldest did most of the time, youngest was a nightmare. There’s a lot of variation in 4 year old behaviour and it is a lot to expect them to walk nicely all the time, especially when they’re somewhere boring like a shop or somewhere exciting with lots of things to touch and see!
The main issue is safety, how about concentrating on walking holding your hand when you’re near a road but when it’s somewhere safer give them some freedom? If you really can’t trust them not to run off backpack reins are great and 4 is not too old to wear them.

She’s 4.

I have honestly never seen a four year old with reins and if I did I would assume special needs. I know I’ll get flamed for that but I don’t think they are for children over the age of about two!

Mine would’ve held my hand or got a stern eye-level teachery explanation of exactly why she should be holding my hand and not running off. Why don’t people do this any more?

My child is like this, impossible to do anything.
He just to loves to go off chatting to everyone!

My sister’s son stays by her side, sits in cafes.
She thinks I “can’t control” DS. So it’s my fault.

Don’t be ridiculous @onlyandoverbetter a child on reins than some of the alternatives. @JustSoFrustratedi always carried reins but mostly the threat of having to have them on was enough to stop them running off. I put them on my oldest twice. He soon got the message.

I also have a 4 year old who does this. I don’t take her anywhere where it’s going to be an issue, and keep showing her how to walk next to me nicely. One day it’ll happen.

It isn’t ridiculous to point out reins aren’t designed for children aged four and older!

Oh @JHound do stop it. Does that mean we can let her do whatever she wants. Regardless of safety? Because she's 4. How is repeating that comment even remotely helpful?

My reaction would be behave or go on reins then follow through with it. You can't risk your child's safety

She’s not 4, she’s 3. For another few weeks yet. Big difference between a child who’s still 3 and a child who is almost 5 in terms of ability to meet parental expectations to walk ‘nicely’!

And yeah… they get there in the end, even ones like mine. I didn’t find reins particularly useful, although have no objection to them as long as children aren’t being dragged around with them. We never really used a pushchair/pram as she was very clingy with me (she’s autistic) and happier being carried. So that was always the consequence for walking in a dangerous fashion; I had a large backpack-type carrier that we used until around the time she turned six and that I found it easy enough to carry her in. If she wasn’t walking safely, she went up on my back to keep her safe. She might kick up a bit of a fuss, but she wasn’t going to be able to get out of the sling and she generally liked being up high and snuggling in anyway.

I can confirm that, at the age of 14.5, she is very capable of walking nicely next to me and not running into roads etc. No ‘threats’ of being put in a sling required. 🙂

And as others have suggested, FFS don’t try to take a 3-year-old on supermarket shopping trips etc if you don’t REALLY have to. Online supermarket deliveries are a godsend!

You have described my DS (he is 22 now) and it drove me insane.

Reins and bribery and consequences was my default. I would reward him with a couple of haribo if he walked nicely. If he was too troublesome then we just came home and if that meant we didn't do something he wanted to (park on the way home) then tough. If mummy didn't get to do what she wanted to do, then neither could DS.

Perfectly normal, get some reins. My 7 year old DS still has backpack reins in certain occasions (airports, busy shopping centres) as he is so easily distracted and far too friendly. At 4 he was like moth just bouncing towards anything shiny! He’s slightly better now, just not if it’s silly busy or there are long queues.

Mine had two choices

1. Hold my hand
2. Walk next to me

One preferred hand holding, the other two preferred walking next to me.

But if they played up or ran off, it was hand hold or big consequence.

Their choice.

She’s 4. Yes it’s that odd that a 4 year old wants to explore and not just dutifully walk by her mother’s side.

She is 4.

Well of course you have to deal with it !! You need to teach her! She doesn’t ‘just know it’. Put the effort in and she’ll give it back

Mine doesn't stay still long enough for a stern, eye level explanation. She will dart away mid syllable

I would expect a four year old to be able to walk holding hands or just in front/behind.

Was she late to leave the buggy? Is she a relatively new walker?

I got them to start being helpful at this age. So sent them off on little errands in the supermarket (get the milk, yoghurts, help bag the apples etc) and made them responsible for looking at different prices etc when they were a little older. They’d help me put things on the conveyor belt etc. They’d be allowed a treat if they’d behaved.

When I failed to be strict enough it went to shit. For about a period of 2 weeks I could find a corner anywhere and they’d stand in it for 30 seconds or whatever. Honestly I never had an issue afterwards.

I live in France and parents here are incredibly strict about behavior in public. The only time I’ve ever seen a child that ran off he was thoroughly punished. He’d never have done it again.

Or they can learn to behave. I had no option but to take mine shopping and she didn't misbehave. Hold hands.

DD was a great walker at that age. DS grumbled massively about walking and usually trailed behind, unless he had a snack. He did (still does at 6) like playing imaginary games as we walked, which helped, but were mentally exhausting.

For a start, she is still only 3.
Yes it's normal, particularly if she hasn't been taught to walk holding hands or next to you earlier.

She either walks next to you nicely or holds your hand. I suggest you work on the holding hands first.

A 3 yo should not be able to wriggle away. Hold her wrist if she does, much harder to wriggle.

And you need consequences. Practice holding hands. Go for short walks. Praise her when she is walking nicely. If she doesn't, you go straight home.

Does this behaviour lead to sonsequences because if not, it's only going to detriorate. You seem to have very little control now, so either use reins of some description, or don't allow your child to drop your hand and run off

That’s when you need to hang on to her.

What are the consequences? And what on the other hand is the incentive to behave?

I'm sure her parents want her to make it to 5 safely too...

If a 4 year old doesn't have the developmental skills to stay by their parents yet, reins are a safe, effective way to keep the child close while their development skill catch up.

They were invaluable with my two. I once got strange looks on holiday for using them to stop DS charging off into the swimming pools at full sprint. I managed to explain this strange contraption with the universal international lnguage "Ussain Bolt". The chap grinned with understanding at my explanation.

By 4-5, I didn't use them frequently, but they were still useful as a warning to keep close and behave sensibly, and to use if those conditions were not met which happened on several occasions. I also still used carriers, trolley seats and pushchairs as needed; the children are now fit, strong, fast teenagers with good stamina.

There was many years ago, a MNer whose husband thought that reins were silly and refused to use them. That decision cost them the life of one of their twins, a divorce and a traumatised car driver. That's an extreme but not unique outcome, but reins are preferable to getting lost, bumping into people/ things or having things dropped on them because other people aren't looking out for a waist-height human with little sense.