To expect my 4 yo to walk next to me in public?

[JustSoFrustrated]

Any time we go anywhere, my DD (she turns 4 next month) just won't walk near my side like a normal human being. She'll run off to touch everything in a shop, even after I ask her not to multiple times, or trail behind me, and then slow down when I slow down because I have to keep turning back to make sure she's there or wait for her to catch up. If I ask her to walk in front of me, she runs and doesn't go the right direction or pay attention to where we're going. Every five seconds I 'm calling her name to try to correct her, to the point where she just starts ignoring me unless I raise my voice. It makes me want to tear my hair out!

I've tried holding her hand, but she'll either wriggle out of my grasp or start walking weirdly, in a way that slows us down considerably. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't even shop because I'm too focused on trying to keep an eye on her... And I see other mums out and about with similarly-aged children walking by their sides. AIBU to expect that of mine?

(I will not be responding to any nasty or assumptive replies.)

Congratulations, you have an agreeable child. I'm strict on behaviour and mine does behave most of the time because I constantly enforce it, but he's always testing boundaries (and at age 3 it was peak).

Exactly my experience too .

I totally feel this. My eldest is 4.5 and at school, but just unbelievably wiggly and stressful to take her anywhere. She will hold hands on car parks/ roads and will respond to stop commands etc but cannot be ‘restricted’ for any length of time as she just explodes with movement. Had to take her kicking and screaming out of the supermarket last week as she wouldn’t walk nicely and was getting in people way/ touching shelves etc ( this was a once off - usually never take her anywhere as try to avoid the fight!)

my 2yo on the other had is just more calm and placid, walks normally and holds my hand. Not parenting. If I had 2 of my younger one I would be a smug mummy, and just think it was all down to my brilliant parenting. My DD has kept me humble.

My four year old is pretty much the same. She’s also incredibly wilful generally though. I avoid taking her shopping but if I do she goes in the trolley seat. I also have a little toy Velcro shopping list I bought which helps if I remember to bring it. I do use backpack reigns still as well. I worry she doesn’t get much walking in because of how difficult it is. We live a 15 minute walk from school but it takes 45 mins to get there because she stops at every flower and stone plus I worry about her bolting into the road. We mostly drive.

I gave my runner choices. Walk next to me, hold my hand, reins or the pushchair. If they tried to run off they lost the choice and were either put in the pushchair or on reins. So choices and consequences, it is dangerous to have them wandering or running off.

I also have twin grandsons (now grown up) who would run in different directions given a chance. I know what I am talking about.

I know many of you mentioned using rein/confinement to a buggy/carriage as a consequence of running off, but I’m curious if others have used different effective consequences ?

I struggle to come up with enough consequences that are immediate enough to make her behave when we are out and about, unless I bribe her at the start and then threaten to take it away (and sometimes that doesn’t even work, especially after it’s taken away; then I think she figures “what do I have to lose?” and does whatever she wants.)

I don’t want her to have sweets more often than she already does, and she has so. Many. Toys that I hate to be buying new ones all the time… I guess maybe I can try scheduling our errands before the times we would usually do our fun activities (playground/library/pool, etc) and use that for rewards/consequences.

We have actually successfully taught her to be mindful of traffic in car parks. In the military, they often taught us things through use of “ditties,” or concise, easy-to-remember sayings we were made to repeat over and over. The ditty we use in car parks is “look left, look right. No cars? Go!” And she remembers to look both ways. She’ll even stop us if she thinks a car is coming, which I’m proud of…I should probably come up with more ditties for shopping trips.

Which makes running off even more dangerous, surely?

As a parent, you know better than a four year old what's safe and what's good for them.

Surely this is just kids? I have 2 who are similar ages and walking anywhere with them is like herding cats.

But just because it is in their nature to wander about doesn't mean you let them do it when it's not safe.

a leash?

This was my approach as well. I used to see other mums stressed out trying to hang on to their DC and I wondered why they wouldn’t use backpack reins.

But - keep shopping trips short - as short as possible.

Picture list. Give her a list with pics of basics - apples, bread, milk etc and let her help you shop

It very much depends on the child.
I had 2 like you describe, and one who walked sensibly next to me.
Same parenting. Different children.

I kept them safe by using reins. It means they have some freedom, and they don't have to spend life walking with one arm up in the air (try it for a while - it's not comfortable walking with one arm up in the air), but they are safe.

I have three DC, the eldest was not like this at 4, the second was still like it at 5 driving me absolutely bananas. Youngest is 3.5 and mostly OK, unless we take him to IKEA and then he bolts for some reason ALWAYS in the kitchen section, which is also one of the places where there are two nearby shortcuts so it is a nightmare as there are four possible directions he could have gone, and it takes a while before he realises he's lost and starts to cry.

We make him stay in the trolley in IKEA now

So - IDK - I voted YABU because I think you do have to accept them at the stage of development they are at and control the environment around them a bit ie stick them in a trolley/buggy/on reins or avoid these kinds of outings entirely or keep them extremely short and with a set goal and clear instructions and lots of spare adult attention to keep her busy, set her up for success by giving her a job or a challenge/mission etc, take her when she's tired out from something else, promise her a bribe like a Happy Meal or a visit to the toy shop or something if she can meet (specific, clear expectations she is reminded of just before going into the shop).

But if you mean is it typical? I do think a lot of 4yos can manage this, especially the older end of 4. DS2 is definitely on the extreme side.

Well no obviously not!

I'd put her on those reins you can get for toddlers until she learns to hold your hand sensibly in places where you tell her its important

Reins?

I don’t think anyone was suggesting they do/should let their DC wander. We wouldn’t be stressed out from trying to keep them near if we just let them go off on their own lol… Well, I suppose we’d be stressed for other reasons!