Not to have gone to DSDs tournament?

[LittleDidSheKnow0]

Settle something between me and DH please.

DSD had a tournament today for a hobby that she is very involved in. It's her first one and it was a long event, nearly all day. Needed to be there about 8am and got back about 4pm.

I knew DH would be going and didn't think much else about it aside from obviously checking in with DSD on the run up asking how she was feeling about it.

DH asked me last night randomly if I would come with them to support DSD. It's the first time he had brought up me attending. I said no, I wasn't planning on as it was too long of an event for our DD. She is 5 and would have been bored as hell stood around all day. Not much else was said and I wished DSD good luck this morning and then went on my way with DD out for the day by ourselves.

DH text me a couple of times throughout the day saying it's a shame I couldn't be there and that I should come up however DD and I were already out by this point so couldn't make it.

When he got home he said he was disappointed I didn't come and the fact that DSD's mums husband came was brought up.

I said it would have been too much for our DC and I knew, understandably, that I'd have been left to run around after DD all day while DH supported DSD and that it's very different for ex and her husband as they do have a child but he is a newborn baby so in a pram. DH says that's just what families have to deal with when there are siblings.

I feel like I'm being unfairly guilt tripped when he didn't even ask me to go until yesterday.

Was I unreasonable not to have gone to DSDs tournament and to have said it would have been too much for our DD and to think it's not a big deal that DH went and I took DD out elsewhere.

DSD is 13 and I of course made a fuss when she got home.

Would it have been an option to go for just some of it?

YANBU. It’s bonkers taking a 5 year old to something like that. I didn’t and wouldn’t have done with DS. If it was that important I attended I’d have to find someone to babysit.

This is the first thought in my mind. Popping down to show support could have meant alot to her.

He left it very last minute and I wonder why that was.

My eldest used to have dance shows etc. My DH would take her and I'd have the youngest, then the younger two. I often have my youngest GC, while my DD is doing something with her eldest, choir etc. So this is a matter of catering for both, rather than a step situation. How is he feeling about her having another baby? Is it that, possibly?

DD used to do chess and I never went to a tournament because I was looking at DS and she was fine with it. She had lots of people there she didn’t need more

When he asked you to go at the last minute, was this after he found out her Mum's husband was going ,,?

I would have gone even if only for an hour or so.

This smacks that you have no interest in DSD hobby, what she's involved in, what she finds interesting, what she is putting (great) effort too. That you thought nothing more of not going because it'd be a long day, that you DC would be put out by it, that you couldn't (insert another blanket excuse)

If a child is interested in something, surely as "step" mum , you should at least put in a little effort and encouragement, and i don't mean shouting "good luck" as she leaves.

Maybe she hasn't taken that from it? Maybe she has? Maybe you've just shown DSD where in your pecking order she comes?

If you could have attended for some of it I would have suggested that but not the whole thing with a 5 year old. I think for next time suggest this compromise. I am sure DSD will end up watching something their half sibling is in, school play or whatever. It is nice for family to support each other if they can.

The cynic in me says he was bored or didn’t want to make small talk to the other parents so wanted you there for company.

Or feels uncomfortable as a lone dad around a load of teenage girls / doesn’t want to take photos of DD in case it looks pervy (not re: DD but if there are teenage girls milling around.)

Is there a bar at the event and he wanted you to be the designated driver?

Is he scared / unwilling / feigning helplessness to parent by himself e.g. help DD get ready (hair styling?), cope with DD’s émotions if she comes last or is injured etc., make conversation with DD on long car journey there and back? Or other helplessness such as driving somewhere new, parking, deciding where to sit / how involved to be as a first-time parent / how to talk to the coach or other parents / when, what and how to feed and water himself and DD?

Depending on how frequent these things are they can get very dull. As far as I'm concerned we have done our bit if we get the child there with one parent. A friend of mine feels very differently and goes to all her children's practises even on her ex's weekend.

I suspect DH wanted you there to chat to for the long periods of time when the child isn't with the parent but isn't competing at that moment. These are dull but possibly also awkward for him with his ex (and partner) being there.

Maybe OP isn't into it? Maybe she doesn't care or isn't interested.

That's OK. She's the stepmother.
She has her own children to occupy her time with.

Its very normal when there is more than one child and more than one parent available to divide and do separate things. It doesn't mean you don't care, its about being practical

Did her stepdad have to watch a bored 5-year-old while he watched?

Mine went to watch a lot of their brother's sporting events, they tell me now how annoying it was.

I thought of understand his feelings and I would consider to go for a little bit in your shoes.
However are you sure it’s not about him feeling bored and lonely while his ex was with her other half? Of course he would feel better with you there but how interesting and easy would it be for your DD?

My youngest does spend a lot of time watching his big siblings’ activities & always has. I do think it’s a nice part of being a family & showing up for each other. If I was you, I think I would’ve gone along for at least some of the time. Having said that, your DH should’ve checked your plans sooner.

Sounds like he didn't care u till he got wind of his exs husband coming.
Probably wanted you there for himself, nothing to do with DSD.
You had a lovely day out with your daughter, DSD had 3 adults supporting her, nothing wrong with that imo.

Whether you could just go for a wee bit completely changes the perspective. If you could have gone for a bit then yes it would be nice to have gone and shown some support. It is what siblings do. My sister and I would have been dragged along to each other’s events to support each other.

Totally this.

I think this is a stretch. I have an 11mo baby. My wife does a sport, and attends competitions. I don't currently attend, because it would be an absolute hassle to take a baby to a lengthy competition that are also often quite long car rides away. I absolutely am interested and care what she puts effort into, but our baby's needs come first.

If you've been to one of those competitions, you'd know that a 5 year old would be absolutely bored out of their mind. It's not like they can be running around either.

As a compromise, I think you could have just dropped in for half an hour, OP. But this was last minute and OP may already have booked something to do with the other kid.

Depends on what the tournament was, if it was outside and there were stalls for food, drinks etc then I would have gone, if not for all day, but certainly for some of it, just to support her.

If he genuinely thought you being there was important he would have asked way before the previous night.
I think it's quite nice for DSD to come home and relay the bits she enjoyed to someone ( you and DD ) she had 3 adults there, parents that are together split time with their children also so it's not different imo.

I could have gone up for some of the day yes but with practice ect.. we weren't sure of DSDs time until the day. When DH got there and found out the time she'd be competing, I was already on my way out with DD for the day.

We all get on really well, DH and I and ex and her husband so I'm not sure if there was anything in the fact that her husband went. More that it highlighted to DH that I wasn't there because 'John' came too, meaning I was the only one missing.

I thought the same as PPs that often one parent will be with the younger kids and the other will be at the event.

I think he’s wrong to say that this is what all families with siblings do. My siblings and I would never have been taken to an all day event for one of our siblings.

Once I knew the time, I would have popped down with DD to watch her compete