Not to have gone to DSDs tournament?

[LittleDidSheKnow0]

Settle something between me and DH please.

DSD had a tournament today for a hobby that she is very involved in. It's her first one and it was a long event, nearly all day. Needed to be there about 8am and got back about 4pm.

I knew DH would be going and didn't think much else about it aside from obviously checking in with DSD on the run up asking how she was feeling about it.

DH asked me last night randomly if I would come with them to support DSD. It's the first time he had brought up me attending. I said no, I wasn't planning on as it was too long of an event for our DD. She is 5 and would have been bored as hell stood around all day. Not much else was said and I wished DSD good luck this morning and then went on my way with DD out for the day by ourselves.

DH text me a couple of times throughout the day saying it's a shame I couldn't be there and that I should come up however DD and I were already out by this point so couldn't make it.

When he got home he said he was disappointed I didn't come and the fact that DSD's mums husband came was brought up.

I said it would have been too much for our DC and I knew, understandably, that I'd have been left to run around after DD all day while DH supported DSD and that it's very different for ex and her husband as they do have a child but he is a newborn baby so in a pram. DH says that's just what families have to deal with when there are siblings.

I feel like I'm being unfairly guilt tripped when he didn't even ask me to go until yesterday.

Was I unreasonable not to have gone to DSDs tournament and to have said it would have been too much for our DD and to think it's not a big deal that DH went and I took DD out elsewhere.

DSD is 13 and I of course made a fuss when she got home.

It wouldn’t have hurt to have gone and watched some of it.

Yanbu. I always think it’s unfair when
siblings are expected to hang round those things for hours. Divide and conquer.

That was what I thought.

Tell DH that you will take DSD next time and he can have responsibility for DD. If he chooses to go along too, it's him that is entertaining her all day.

We’re a big family and one parent does the hobby and the other has the other kids. At 13 I would not expect to wait around and watch all day even as the solo parent tbh, although as it’s the first one maybe that’s different.
4 parents/step parents there for one competitor is just ridiculous frankly unless it’s some kind of national final!

Supporting your step daughter for an hour would have meant the world to her and your five year old would have coped for an hour. I can guarantee that one hour of their whole life wouldnt have left a traumatic dent.

I voted YABU because you could have gone for a short while and changed your plans with your other child.

The timing and people going is beside the point. Why wouldnt you want to go to begin with?

He asked you to go just to part of it though right? But you'd decided to go out.

I would have made the effort to go for an hour or two if it was important to my stepson to be totally honest.

We had something similar recently and only one parent went. Not fair on the sibling that would have had to sit through lots of other stuff just to watch their bigger sibling for a few minutes (which they would have liked to be fair)

Meh, it might have been nice of you to go but equally, you were not unreasonable not to go. My older DD took part in all day events and it was very rare that we all (both parents plus younger siblings) went. And younger siblings would have been 9ish by then.

I wouldn’t have gone. We usually are all in different directions on a weekend with the kids doing their thing. Don’t buy in to the guilt trip !

It would seem a bit OTT to have four adults watching her at the tornament, seems a bit unecessary really.

I have just recently attended something similar for my younger brother (12) - a day long football tournament. I went with my younger child who is four and I am not going to lie it was seriously hard work. Four year old did not want to stand around watching football all day and was just running around and everyone was practicing who were not playing so they were just dodging flying footballs (a few people were hit by them). I couldn't relax because of this either.

It's really not fun taking young children to these events and I actually barely got to watch my brother anyway because of above.

Sounds like your DSD had lots of support there and you gave her lots of encouragement before and after.

He should understand that taking a young child to something like that will need a bit of preparation and I'm guessing he wasn't putting himself forward to do that. There are often younger siblings at my daughter's events and the parents are well prepped, you can tell it's not their first rodeo. Personally I would hate having to occupy a young kid in that environment but depending on the proximity it would be fine to go along for an hour - knowing that an hour can feel like a lifetime with a bored five year old.

It sounds like a nice thing for her to share just with her dad.
You could have all had a dinner afterwards all together.
Is DSD even bothered? Or is it more him sulking that his ex had her partner there and he didn’t?

No child needs 4 adults and two siblings watching something like this, it’s excessive and unnecessary. It’s a tournament not the fucking Olympics.

If he really wanted you there he’d have brought it up much earlier than the night before.

You wished her luck, checked on her progress and made a fuss of her once she was back. That’s plenty of support.

He’s being a twat if he makes a big deal of this.

that was my point exactly.

Does the ex also have other children or is your dh absolutely full of it?? I’d say dd won’t sit and watch, so if I come then I think you’d expect me to not watch dsd as much as keep dd occupied somehow in a less than ideal space so YOU could watch dsd. It’s a whole day and totally unfair on dd, and pretty bloody rich of you to spring this expectation on me, I certainly noticed yoy didn’t say anything like ‘I will watch dd half the time. And then if he’s spluttering and rude and you know it would have been awful and he wouldn’t have looked after dd at all during dsds thing, add Anyway, thank you for the kind invitation to have a pretty shitty day with dd so you feel like we are all a family, maybe some other time.’

YANBU. We never took the other sibling to stand around at a tournament or match. What's the point?

DH and I always divide and conquer when it’s something unsuitable for the other one. Why would you put yourself and a five year old told through 8 hours of watching an event.

I’d have got DH to text me once they knew her competing time and gone to watch her. Obviously sitting there all day with a 5 year old isn’t realistic but I’d have made an effort, kids remember who shows up. My DSD is double blended (two parents and two long standing step parents plus associated grandparents) and brings an army to her comps and shows etc but we all love her and want to be there!

I don't go to alot of DS games and festivals (rugby and football) as we have a younger DD as well. It would be boring for her and honestly just not fun for me having to entertain a younger child. I wouldn't actually get to see much of DS games/festivals.

My DS understands this - his words are his sister would just be annoying and I wouldn't watch him anyway. And he is only 7.5 years old.

I sometimes go IF they are shorter / closer / we make a plan with other parents with siblings for entertaining the younger children. Or we switch which parent goes and which looks after our youngest.

YANBU. She had two parents and a step parent there for support. That’s plenty. You might go to another event another time, and one of the other three misses it. I don’t go to all of my kids events, and I consider myself to be a very supporting parent. They don’t care so long as someone is there for them. It’ll all eventually even out on the parenting front over time.

It's all about appearance and no commonsense.
Next time he asks why not say, "yes, I'll go for an hour as you can entertain our 5 year old at that point as she won't understand the competition but I can be seen to be there for DSD. Then I'll take DD off so DSD can have your attention, what time is best?"

I have a 5 year old and an older DD who does tournaments. We would always just send one parent without ds5 because it's torturous for everyone otherwise. Take turns, say next time you go, without your DD.

I’d have taken your 5 year old for an hour or two to show support.

YANBU. You are not her parent, her parents attended.

Why did your husband even guilt trip you? I suspect you are doing far too much at home. Who does DSD’s cooking/washing?