Not to have gone to DSDs tournament?

[LittleDidSheKnow0]

Settle something between me and DH please.

DSD had a tournament today for a hobby that she is very involved in. It's her first one and it was a long event, nearly all day. Needed to be there about 8am and got back about 4pm.

I knew DH would be going and didn't think much else about it aside from obviously checking in with DSD on the run up asking how she was feeling about it.

DH asked me last night randomly if I would come with them to support DSD. It's the first time he had brought up me attending. I said no, I wasn't planning on as it was too long of an event for our DD. She is 5 and would have been bored as hell stood around all day. Not much else was said and I wished DSD good luck this morning and then went on my way with DD out for the day by ourselves.

DH text me a couple of times throughout the day saying it's a shame I couldn't be there and that I should come up however DD and I were already out by this point so couldn't make it.

When he got home he said he was disappointed I didn't come and the fact that DSD's mums husband came was brought up.

I said it would have been too much for our DC and I knew, understandably, that I'd have been left to run around after DD all day while DH supported DSD and that it's very different for ex and her husband as they do have a child but he is a newborn baby so in a pram. DH says that's just what families have to deal with when there are siblings.

I feel like I'm being unfairly guilt tripped when he didn't even ask me to go until yesterday.

Was I unreasonable not to have gone to DSDs tournament and to have said it would have been too much for our DD and to think it's not a big deal that DH went and I took DD out elsewhere.

DSD is 13 and I of course made a fuss when she got home.

Unless your child would have been an absolute nightmare I think I’d have taken her to show support for DSD as it sounds like a really big deal for her. Take snacks, colouring, games etc and make a day of it. Really surprised no mention was made of you attending either way, by DH or DSD, until the day before.

The step-mum shaming has truly jumped the shark when a step-mum is being berated for not being present when the father, mother and step-father were there. OP was minding her dd which enabled her husband to support his older dd.

I think I would have said 'let me know when her competition is and DD and I will come up'. I would have made sure whatever other plan I had for the day could flex around that rather than say 'we went out'. A 5 year old is old enough to understand needing to do something for a short period to support a sibling, even if they don't have the patience to stay all day.

I dont bring our youngest to dds sport as he would be bored. One parent attends hobby and other has younger sibling. Very occasionally we all go, but that would be because it is local and shorter def notbfor a full day.

Offer to go and support dsd next time and he has 5 year old elsewhere would be the best I could do.

So OP’s plans with her own dd don’t matter, eh? Everything has to be sacrificed at the altar of the step-child?

Step mothers can't win can they . Nice opportunity for DH and DSD to have alone time. He just doesn't want to as it's probably tedious and boring as a lot of parenting is . Guilt tripping you is not nice . Tell him next time you might consider it if he gives you some notice.

What @Oldraver said. I bet he only just found out about ex's partner going and that's why he asked you at the last minute.

I have sporty DC. If one of them has a match or tournament or whatever, one parent takes them - either me or DH, not both of us. Therefore I wouldn't expect a step mum and step sibling to go along either.

I think it's fine not to have gone.

You mentioned that DSD's mum has a newborn. I actually wonder if this is why her stepdad was there too? To support mum with the baby, enabling her to attend her daughter's event, as baby is too young to be away from mum all day and being out all day with a tiny baby is tough. So having stepdad on hand to do nappy changes/make bottles/push the pram for a nap makes sure mum can be there for her older child when needed.

That's a very different situation to trying to entertain a bored 5yo at a sports event all day. I can't imagine the whole family will be going once the baby is old enough to stay with another caregiver for a bit!

Sounds like he found out last minute that her mom’s husband was going so then asked you as he thought it would show him up with you weren’t there. If it was about you supporting her he would have mentioned it earlier. Sounds like he’s putting his own image before your child’s needs.

YANBU. Far too long a day for a 5 year old. Your DSD already had 3 adults supporting her! You don’t have to attend every single event as a step parent.