DH gaming during the day (we have a toddler)

[Gamerwidow675]

I know I am very much not BU, however I’d be interested to know whether this would cause others to end the marriage.

Background - married to DH 5 years, 18 month old DC. Both work full time, DH travels a lot for work (often abroad). As is often the case following mat leave etc I am 100% default parent and I am thinking more and more DH is just taking the piss. He lives as if he’s a bachelor and the house is hotel, occasionally ‘helping’ with DC when he feels like it or when it suits. He can be ok and does the odd night here and there to give me a break (low bar, I know!)

The issue I am facing is he is obsessed with an online game (plays online with strangers I believe, talking into headphones, although he refers to them as ‘friends’.) I have no problem if this is how he wants to spend his evenings when DC is in bed, or if we had allocated free time while the other watches DC. It is annoying that I can’t even go and ask him questions as he’s stressed out with the game and I can’t ‘disturb’ him, but when DC is in bed I don’t really care.

Today has tipped me over the edge. I was up in the night as DC was poorly. DH got up at 8am, saying he needed more sleep as he had ‘calculated what time he’d go to bed’ - essentially he just felt like playing until 1am and muggins here would get up with DC, no questions asked. DC was up at 6.

DH disappeared during the late morning while I was playing with DC to start gaming. Didn’t ask if this was ok. He has literally been shut away with headphones on for about 2.5 hours. In that time, I have given up even asking him to stop and come and share the load with DC. We’ve been for a walk, had lunch and DC is in bed for nap. He has absolved himself of all responsibility because he just feels like it.

To make matters worse, he’s away from next week for a week on an overseas trip. Not only will I be solo parenting and exhausted, and he knows this, he will have unlimited child free time. He also won’t see DC for a week, of course.

I feel absolutely incensed with rage over his attitude and selfishness today and I think this has just been building up over time. DH doesn’t lift a finger around the house (luckily we have cleaner, family support etc). I really feel like my reasons for staying in the marriage are financial now (both high earners but of course I am under no illusions that being a single parent is very financially pressured). I also do not have the mental energy to go through the trauma of divorce, shared custody, selling family home, etc. So the temptation is to just plod along, have an argument about today and then just carry on.

But, this is not acceptable behaviour from DH, surely? Has anyone else ended a marriage under similar circumstances? DC is my whole world and the idea of a bitter custody battle and losing time with them is really distressing but I don’t know how much longer I can live with this man child.

Would divorce and single parenthood be better than this, honestly?

It sounds as though you are completely overwhelmed. Communication has completely broken down. He isn't holding himself accountable and this will result in a relationship breakdown. Perhaps you have tried this but telling him how you feel and the consequences of his actions maybe needed here. If he really doesn't care. Then maybe couples counselling.
We all have times where we feel like we need to be selfish because our needs are not being met. Maybe this is his time. But he can't do this when he has a child and a partner and so communicating this is a must
So sorry you are left in the lurch like this

I think I am! I’ve suggested counselling before as things have been difficult since DC arrived really, and he’s staunchly against it. I also don’t know if it would even work as DH is so poor at communicating and defensive I cannot imagine having a sensible conversation with a therapist together. He is too set in his ways. I really don’t know how many times I can have the same argument with him about pulling his weight.

I Know this is common but we are literally just house mates at the moment, haven’t shared a room since DC arrived, no intimacy. It does feel like the relationship is dead, however, this shouldn’t stop DH from being a hands on father to his child?

Surely he wouldn't want 50-50 custody because of the gaming though. And wouldn't be practical if there are regular work trips.

I couldn't put put up with this.

When we’ve argued before and I’ve threatened divorce he’s said he would want 50/50. I have no idea how he’d make that work, in all honesty, but I hear these sorts of fathers seem to find a way!

I once had to stage an intervention with my DH to ensure we were both looking after the baby equally at weekends, by literally dividing the day into half and leaving the house when it was his turn to be on duty. You could try something like this, but if he's so unwilling to care for his child, would the child be safe?

You are effectively a single parent already with the added baggage of a random gaming teenager taking over your home intermittently.

Put your foot down now and make it clear you will not be staying in the marriage if his gaming addiction continues.

Also, go on strike as far as he's concerned, no laundry, no cooking etc. Look after yourself and toddler only. If possible, can you visit family for a few nights until he's away again to let him see what single life might be like?

I do occasionally go out for lunch with a friend or whatever and he’s fine with DC for a few hours but he’d have no idea what to feed them or anything so the amount of planning is a lot of effort. He wouldn’t be shut away if he was on his own with DC but he’d basically be waiting for me to come back for a lot of stuff, I think. The fact is he just feels he can do whatever he wants when I’m here and I don’t know if I can ever change that.

I very much doubt he will want anything remotely near to 50/50. Growing up with a stressed, resentful mother and a useless manchild father is much worse than you striking out on your own. You’ll probably thrive. Your husband is a fucking idiot.

Be happy.

That’s the perfect way to put it, particularly as he’s regularly shouting at the game and sulky when he gets disturbed. I really feel like he’s a teenager living here and causing mess, the only benefit is shared finances.

I just have this fear that divorce would be out of the frying pan and into the fire, I’d be 100% alone with DC with no one to shoulder any financial, health worries with etc.

This is my worry, at the moment DC is too young to understand the dynamic but it won’t be long until they do and I don’t want them damaged like that.

Advice to women: don't marry or have children with "gamers". Absolute wasters.

I wish I had known this. To be honest, when we were first dating etc he didn’t really game, it’s more the last few years, unfortunately.

I think I would have to end the marriage. I'd lose all respect for a partner like this and the resentment would just kill it for me. Shat kind of a parent doesnt jnow what to feed their own child. When one of us is away with work we recognise how difficult it is for the other and pick up the slack when we're back even if we're exhausted.

If you really wouldn't want 50 50 I'd start documenting how uninvolved he is. It might force him to be more responsible though and give you a break

What does he say about his behaviour when you point out to him that whenever he is at home and checks out, he is doubling your workload (as with two parents at home it should really be shared) without even doing you the courtesy of asking (,or even telling) youq

I was thinking the same as Parakeet. He clearly isn’t doing anything like 50/50 now, & that’s when everything is set up for him to just spend time with his child.

When he returns from his trip tell him you’re trialing a 50/50 split of care, which on his part will include everything you do day to day for your dc when he has them. Don’t set everything up for him.

So not just playing with them, but feeding, changing, dressing bathing. During his time you’ll also expect him to do what you would, washing on, hoovering, etc.

it might be a wake up call as to what your life actually entails at the moment, & what his life would be post separation. I should imagine this will be very hard, as you’ll have to trust him not to stage incompetence. Plus of course you’ll be eating into his gaming time.

Although tiring this should be a good time for you as a couple, instead he’s behaving like a resentful teenager & ruining things. I’m sorry you’re being treated like this.

I would days it’s counselling or divorce.

The financial reality of divorce may shake him up enough to do the counselling.

I'd say it is worth proposing counselling again, but mostly because you are still wondering what to do. My dp had the best divorce I have ever seen (we're off on holiday with his adult kids and his ex wife later in the year, she's lovely) and he credits a year of counselling with making them both sure that splitting was the right choice and that he'd done everything he could.

Having said that, I think your p has checked out, and if he were ever honest with a therapist or himself, I would bet money he really thinks that because you're not having sex with him, there's nothing he should do for you or the child you had together. He sounds quite transactional. Is he deliberately trying to piss you off so that you leave/are the bad guy?

Being a single parent at this stage with a partner who will no doubt move from being extremely annoying to actively hostile plus potentially his new partner and - probably - new children in the mix, is going to be really shit. It will, however, have islands of peace and no anger that you don't get at the moment. I personally would give it another go with counselling first, making it clear that it's non-negotiable.

Good idea about documenting. When I’ve raised it in the past there’s always an excuse - he’s tired from travelling (ha!), not feeling 100%, he promised his ‘friends’ he’d help them with an aspect of the game etc etc. He doesn’t seem to see that how he acts is unreasonable.

I would be absolutely fuming. He’s a selfish prick.

I hear of this so often. I would find a reason why you need to be away for a few nights so he sees what you have to go through. Come back a few days later when he’s borderline breakdown and tell him that’s exactly what it’s like for you all the time.

I know leaving someone is extreme, and also very easy for a stranger to say it, but I would not put up with him.

Having said that, most of the people I know are in this situation, and they just stay with the men and I suppose eventually it gets easier. Not sure I’d be able to do that.

I think there are plenty of men who completely shirk their responsibilities for cycling, golf, partying with mates, and any number of other hobbies. The advice should be to avoid marrying a misogynist...but they're often really really hard to spot (before children come along anyway)

Thank you - I think we should try counselling, at least then I will feel I had given it a chance. One last chance. You’re right regarding hostility, at the moment we are at least civil and like friends most of the time.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head regarding sex. I expect he thinks because he provides his share financially, he shouldn’t do anything else that a partner would do because he doesn’t get anything romantic or affectionate from me - can you blame me?

I just really don’t think it would be within my DC best interests to be left with DH for several nights randomly, they’re extremely attached to me (I still bf) I suppose because they’ve been with me so much more. I wouldn’t enjoy the break, I’m sure, as I’d be too worried and be having constant questions from DH. I wish there was another way.

Or cyclists. Or golfers. Or runners.

Any hobby that takes over when there’s parenting to be done without prior arrangements being made.

Men are so selfish when it comes to stuff like this. Generalising I know, but old enough and been around enough men to know it’s true.

I’ve asked this on a similar thread OP, but is there no way you can reduce your hours - assume either due to financial reasons or employer not allowing?

I ask because with your DH expecting you to do everything, it sounds like you need a day to get things in order.

I’m sorry that you are in this situation. You may well find it easier without him.
In the meantime can you disrupt the Wi-Fi in the hope that he might pay your child some attention today?

I could, but then I think, why should my equally hard earned career and independent financial position suffer because I have a selfish DH?