DH gaming during the day (we have a toddler)

[Gamerwidow675]

I know I am very much not BU, however I’d be interested to know whether this would cause others to end the marriage.

Background - married to DH 5 years, 18 month old DC. Both work full time, DH travels a lot for work (often abroad). As is often the case following mat leave etc I am 100% default parent and I am thinking more and more DH is just taking the piss. He lives as if he’s a bachelor and the house is hotel, occasionally ‘helping’ with DC when he feels like it or when it suits. He can be ok and does the odd night here and there to give me a break (low bar, I know!)

The issue I am facing is he is obsessed with an online game (plays online with strangers I believe, talking into headphones, although he refers to them as ‘friends’.) I have no problem if this is how he wants to spend his evenings when DC is in bed, or if we had allocated free time while the other watches DC. It is annoying that I can’t even go and ask him questions as he’s stressed out with the game and I can’t ‘disturb’ him, but when DC is in bed I don’t really care.

Today has tipped me over the edge. I was up in the night as DC was poorly. DH got up at 8am, saying he needed more sleep as he had ‘calculated what time he’d go to bed’ - essentially he just felt like playing until 1am and muggins here would get up with DC, no questions asked. DC was up at 6.

DH disappeared during the late morning while I was playing with DC to start gaming. Didn’t ask if this was ok. He has literally been shut away with headphones on for about 2.5 hours. In that time, I have given up even asking him to stop and come and share the load with DC. We’ve been for a walk, had lunch and DC is in bed for nap. He has absolved himself of all responsibility because he just feels like it.

To make matters worse, he’s away from next week for a week on an overseas trip. Not only will I be solo parenting and exhausted, and he knows this, he will have unlimited child free time. He also won’t see DC for a week, of course.

I feel absolutely incensed with rage over his attitude and selfishness today and I think this has just been building up over time. DH doesn’t lift a finger around the house (luckily we have cleaner, family support etc). I really feel like my reasons for staying in the marriage are financial now (both high earners but of course I am under no illusions that being a single parent is very financially pressured). I also do not have the mental energy to go through the trauma of divorce, shared custody, selling family home, etc. So the temptation is to just plod along, have an argument about today and then just carry on.

But, this is not acceptable behaviour from DH, surely? Has anyone else ended a marriage under similar circumstances? DC is my whole world and the idea of a bitter custody battle and losing time with them is really distressing but I don’t know how much longer I can live with this man child.

Would divorce and single parenthood be better than this, honestly?

To give your DC the best care possible? Your a Mum now, it doesn’t mean you give up your career, but outlooks change.

There is absolutely no guarantee that he would get 50/50 custody even if he actually applied for it (and honestly, in every case I have come across among friends and family where the 'D'F insisted they were going to ask for 50/50, they have invariably barely even seen their kids since the divorce).

The Court takes the child's best interests into account. With an 18-month-old child that you are still breastfeeding and given that you can journal to demonstrate that you have been the almost solo caregiver, he might not even get overnights at this stage.

No I don't blame you. I am amazed at the attitudes a lot of men seem to have towards the women they have sex with, and wonder if they ever think about what fuels connection.

I see a lot of people recommending the book 'How not to hate your husband' at the moment. Haven't read it myself but it does sound potentially relevant.

My ex H was like this. Online gaming always before our 2 dc and me, didn’t care about anything. It was as if he was single and treated our home like a hotel and me like the maid. I stopped washing his clothes and cooking. He’d order more clothing online and have pizza delivered for his dinner. Final straw was when he started staying up all night to play and chat then sacking off work to sleep, rinse and repeat, it was like having a disgusting teenage boy in the house. We’ve been divorced a few years and honestly it’s been far easier as a single parent, as I’m not carrying the weight of resentment and tidying another adults clutter. Get rid OP, you are worth more than this manchild.

One day you will turn around and be 60 with a thousand times more resentment and you'll have run your body and mental wellbeing into the ground. Divorce him, ensure you get everything you can financially and live a happy life. He will never actually have DC 50/50 so do not worry about not being able to see your DC.

Honestly, do not reduce your hours anyway: at some point, this marriage will become unbearable and end in divorce and you will have made yourself financial vulnerable.

I'd sit him down, today, and tell him that while he's away on his work trip, you're going to have a long think about whether or not you actually want him to come back and why.

Lay it out for him.

Ask him why you should allow him back if you're effectively single parenting anyway so he can act like a teenager with no responsibilities outside of his job while you carry on parenting, cleaning, cooking, assuming all responsibility for ensuring your mutual DCs are looked after, etc, and he plans his free time assuming you'll just do everything for him and the DCs.

Exactly.
Adult gamers are the biggest turn off ever.
Fortunately my DH has never been into gaming at all.
We didn’t allow our (now adult) DC computer games and neither are interested at all.
Dear BIL allowed his 2 DC gaming and eldest is now having to retake A Levels because their grades were poor, and the youngest Y12 is not studying but gaming in their bedroom all the time. BIL (SIL less so) has always been poor at any sort of discipline and his DC are paying the price.

The financial benefits are a hollow prize when faced with this kind of partner. I was in your shoes with a DP paying me a lot of money each month which would pay off my mortgage on the house I owned alone in London. Even so, I had to beg him to move out and stop paying rent to me as I just didn’t want to be responsible for a grown adult anymore. I had to tighten my belt but the freedom was worth it.

Remember he is presenting his colleagues and friends a façade of a happily married man with a kid at the expense of your labour.

I agree. They’re always so fucking juvenile and selfish. But the small contingent of female gamers on here will be out for our blood for believing that.

Most men do not want 50/50.

The risk is if he's a controlling narcissist or sociopathic ( I'm not joking either, there are plenty out there), then they will fight for custody just for control. It means no child maintenance payments also which is usually why most pie heads will fight for that.

He doesn't sound quite like that from what you're saying. I have a sense you're not going to be parting from the children too much.

The gaming and the reaction to the gaming is reminiscent. It reminds me of my Autistic teenage son. Any chance he is possibly having a difficult time here and he's experiencing burn out having tried to mask and hold it together?

And I don't give a shit about him over you. It's your post, but context might help.

It might just be much better for you alone. If you can manage financially. You can claim financial support through the Child Maintenance Service. It might help for you to be incredibly warm and supportive in the way you communicate with him if you start planning to part - even though inside you have every right to feel totally let down by this guy.

In order to get a good outcome and keep him from even thinking about trying to get 50/50, a nicely nicely approach will help.

I'd be finding my own therapist - a very experienced older female - to help talk you through everything and hold your hand so to speak.

How about a trial separation when he’s back?

It might give you the confidence to go it alone, or it might be the rocket up the backside he needs.

Both DH and I game but stopped for quite a while when children were little. I disagree that all gamers are wasters. He is however not gaming in what is a fair way at all and is feeding the stereotype and is the stereotype.

He won’t want 50/50 and with his work travel doubt very much he would get it.

Go and see a divorce lawyer, many offer 30 mins free, write a list of questions. See the best one locally, if you did decide to divorce he cannot use them as it’s a conflict of interest.

You need to tell him you will be divorcing if it doesn’t stop and his hobby is not so dominant. This happened with a friend of mine though her DH played golf all weekend. I do not know why but so many men need to have stuff spelt out so strongly to have to get to that level, it’s like they don’t believe their partners. Though I do think many men would be happy to never have children.

What is the name of the game because time spent in games can vary wildly. I played for 45 mins yesterday, 2 longer and 2 very short game modes. Checkpoint dependant as well.

Tell him he’s out of order and it’s counselling or divorce.

If he “threatens” you with 50/50, declare that you’d be delighted with that and go through how it would work. He would have DC Wed evening to Wed morning and then you’d take over.

Obviously if he was travelling for work, he would need to sort and pay for childcare during his absence. You and your family would not pick up the slack in his absence. He may find overnight childcare very difficult and expensive to arrange, but that’s not your problem to resolve.

He would have to do all the night wakings, feeding, cleaning, washing, entertaining of his SC during that week (as well as work) and quite frankly that would make your life a hell of a lot easier as you’d get a break and some decent nights sleep for a change.

Say you’re positively looking forward to him stepping up as a father during his 50% time and having some freedom for date nights and sex whilst he’s doing so.

Even if you end up getting divorced, he’s too fucking lazy to do 50%, it’s a completely empty threat. I’d be surprised if he kept it up for a month, or until the first time the baby was sick and he had to come home from work/childcare fell through/he wanted to game and couldn’t as he had a baby to look after 🤷‍♀️

Most of these fathers that aren’t bothered with their kids when they live with them are even less so once the marriage breaks up. He’d likely reduce his time unless he has a mother/new gf that can look after them during his time.

What a ridiculous statement. Not all gamers are also selfish misogynists.

So she had to reduce her earning power, reduce her pension, reduce her opportunities to save, potentially affect opportunities for promotion, often ending up doing 100% of the workload for 80% of the pay, so she can pick up the slack her DH creates by doing nothing? And he just carries on gaming? Wtf did I just read?

OP, your DH is a shitbag. Whenever he looks after DC there should be zero prep from you if he was any kind of a parent. Both parents should be getting equal leisure time and it should be discussed, not unilaterally taken by disappearing into his gaming cave. I would honestly divorce because while you’ll still be 100% responsible, you’ll free yourself of the mental load of him and of the RAGE.

Omg if my DH hid away gaming all weekend while I parented solo I would unplug the router and bury it in the garden.

Do you genuinely believe he would want your child 50-50 if you separated?
or are you convincing yourself that's true so you don't have to take the big step of leaving him?

I’m 2 years further down the line than you. This weekend we have finally called it quits. It doesn’t get any better, he still can’t see what a selfish lazy prick he is. I’ve given up trying. Wish I had left years ago.

The 50/50 is a threat intended to keep you in the marriage. He is weaponising your love for child to prevent you from ending the marriage. Ask yourself why he would do that? If you, marriage or maintaining a happy family unit mattered he would change his behaviour and be more of an equal partner but he doesn't because he likes the convenience of the domestic arrangement and his travel and gaming leaves him with minimal parental responsibility.

No one gave you lessons in how to be a responsible adult and parent but that's what you are because you have to be and yet it's so often assumed men would contribute more if only they were given instructions on how to adult. And strangely these incompetent men secure and hold down well paying, responsible jobs. It's almost as if they are scamming us. If most of them gave the same performance at work as they do at home they would be unemployed.

How would counselling work exactly? He makes lames excuses for being an absent parent whilst living in the same house as his child and you explain that shouldering the burden of adult life and parenting on your own is exhausting? You can give it a go so that you know you tried everything but IME men like this don't change, they are so selfish and immature they seem to feel victimised by the realities of adult responsibility.

I have always liked this saying "if they want to they will" and I believe it's true in your case. If he really held value to you and your relationship he would want to work towards it. Might be worth mentioning this to him. Sort of holding a mirror up to him almost. To show him what his behaviour is causing him to lose.

He won’t fight for much custody time I would imagine. I’d rip off the bandaid. He wit change.

Eww what a complete turn off. Has he always been like this?

I was in a similar position, but didn't even get married in the end, as gaming was more important to them, even when I was miscarrying.

Serious gamers are different to other hobbies imo, they take it more seriously and it comes at the cost of everything else.

You say you couldn't cope with a divorce but it doesn't sound like you can cope with a pisstaking manchild either.

What on earth makes you think this man child would ever want ANY custody of a child he barely spends any time with, barely cares for and shows no responsibility for beyond money?

Yes, it would be a marriage ender for me after a big row and no change.

How long until your child is able to understand Dad actively chooses to spend as little time as possible with them?
.The fact you don't care if he games once D is in bed because you dint care about spending time together says it all.