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AIBU?

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Original poster

To do my daughters GCSE course work?

387 replies

LolaLouise · 05/05/2025 07:28

My daughter is adhd diagnosed, probable autism which she is still on a waiting list for years after the referral was submitted, she gets frustrated and gives up quickly, she tries, she really does, but sometimes gets overwhelmed and cant continue a task.

Her art GCSE course work is due in this week, she was very behind. I have spent all last weekend and this weekend helping her get it done. Up until now its been sitting and encouraging her, ive done some of the research whilst shes been doing the sketches needed, and then shes re-written it out, suggestions of sketches she could do, and cutting it all out so she can place everything into her book, helping her with layouts and ordering, but mostly just keeping her on track and focussed in 2 hour windows. There was one piece of art required for it to be done, she tried, for hours, yesterday to do it, but she got so frustrated and couldnt do it, its a portrait of a person. She ended up getting quite upset with the drawing and the looming deadline. This isnt the first time she has attempted it, shes been trying to draw it for weeks, but i put it to one side as she was hyperfixated on it, and in order to get everything else done, i took it off the table and said we would do that last. The sketch is needed as her final piece was based around this portrait, though her final piece was just shapes no details. The teacher has told her she absolutly must include this portrait in her project. Her final exam has already been sat so she cant just change the direction of the project now.

So ive drawn it, its not great, i can draw a bit but not even close to being skilled, but its better than what she was able to produce. She doesnt know ive drawn it last night. Ive started the shading to block out the main shadows, but it needs finishing, which she can do in the same way she has shaded all her other work, it looks vaguely like the person its supposed to be if you squint a little bit. We are going to try again today, ive even suggested to her tracing the facial structure today if we can figure a way to do it as we have no thin paper left to trace with, just really thick watercolour paper and card left. But it needs finishing today to hand in tomorrow. Then we can focus on her other much needed revision.

Her college plans do not include something even close to art related, its one drawing in amongst probably 100 others over the 2 years of project work, in the grand scheme of things i dont think it will make a difference to her grade, but her teacher has said it has to be included, so she is building it up to be the most important thing ever. I just want to help her, and ease some of her stress. Would you give her the drawing and help her finish it? Or is it too much help? Ive convinced myself if she does the shading then its no different to having traced the initial drawing, which is perfectly acceptable in her work, we just dont have the access to do that easily today. Do we try the tracing first and it that goes wrong then i just give her this one to shade over? theres a chance she has tried tracing in school on the lightboxes and they have been discarded already, as i know she traced other images.

How much help is too much, considering her SEN, but also that this is GCSE work?

OP posts:
Perx · 05/05/2025 18:54

LolaLouise · 05/05/2025 17:44

Well she did both ways, the grid and the tracing. Shes written a little bit about the technique used and what she found better, and why she is happy/unhappy with the result. They are both great but traced one turned out really good, she put alot more time into the shading on that one (in my somewhat biased opinion). Shes not completely happy, of course, but ive explained as best i can what people have suggested that she needs to explain the processes and reflect to get the marks, not just produce a photocopy of an image.

Whilst she was doing the traced one, i erased the grid off mine and shaded it myself, possibly why she spent longer on that picture as i was doing it with her, and asking for her tips. It was quite therapeutic and all though it looks slightly (completely) like a face thats been flattened, i enjoyed it, might have found myself a new hobby from this very stressful few weeks.

Thanks again for the helpful replies and the advice on how she could do better. Im going to try some myself with her now discarded art supplies.

I think you sound like a lovely, enthusiastic helpful mama. My parents did precisely zero to help me for exams, just eyerolled at me after when I didn't get all A grades! Ha ha. I hope I am as patient and well meaning and caring when my ASD daughter gets to exam age. In the big scheme of things nobody cares what exam grades you get in GCSE once you're an adult so I hope she can get some relief from this stressful time. Knowing her DM is always on her team will help. X x x

notwavingbutsinking · 05/05/2025 21:36

Ah that's a brilliant update OP, I'm so glad your DD was able to focus today and get it done. Well done for supporting her so well.

I'm sure you already to this anyway but make sure you encourage her to reflect on how well she has done to overcome a really difficult situation, and to think about what she has learned from the experience that she could put to use again next time. Because yes you provided support but ultimately it was her that made it happen, and it's really important that that's what she takes away from it.

Hopefully you'll both be sleeping better tonight!

Trendyname · 05/05/2025 22:29

gattocattivo · 05/05/2025 11:03

So if she’s managed every other part of the project up to now and it’s one picture she’s struggling with, then tbh she’s probably done a lot better overall than some others. In the cohort there are likely to be kids (whether ND or NT) who hand in incomplete work, rushed work, don’t meet the brief accurately…
Some kids won’t have had any encouragement at home and may not be given the time and calm environment to get work done. Sad but true.

so once again, this is about keeping it in perspective. It’s one part of a project which she can’t do. She may still get a decent ish grade or she may not - but the important thing is that she will have done what she’s able to do, within the parameters of her capacity.

Doing things for her isn’t the answer. Support: absolutely. support by providing the time, space, peace and quiet for her to work at home, by encouraging her that her best effort is enough. Yes she’ll probably ignore that because kids tend to not listen to what their mum says. But just quietly and without being patronising, keep reassuring that it’s ok to find things hard. It’s really important that she learns at this stage that letting someone else actually do the work for her isn’t helpful.

Op understands this but her dd does not. She is fixated at finishing this portrait like a true copy of an album cover.

Op had already said several posts back that she won't do any drawing for her dd.

Do you have any tip for OP to convince her dd?

Trendyname · 05/05/2025 22:29

ThinWomansBrain · 05/05/2025 11:01

She needs to do the task herself
Spend a while looking at less conventional portraits with her online
Who knows - she might find attempting something in the style of Picasso more fun.

Teacher wants a realistic image.

Trendyname · 05/05/2025 22:32

User79853257976 · 05/05/2025 11:03

Everyone has some level of anxiety, it doesn’t mean you can cheat.

Show quote history

Cheating is not right but not all anxieties are equal.

Some anxieties are debilitating while others more manageable.

Trendyname · 05/05/2025 22:47

Swiftie1878 · 05/05/2025 11:15

Well, she’ll have no choice.
Don’t enable this craziness. Cheating is cheating. You need to teach her that lesson rather than doing her work for her.

Show quote history

Yoy are applying rules of nuerotypical to NTs. This girl has done a lot of hardwork towards her coursework. She is not a cheater. Her mother did not do her work. Mother is not telling her dd that it's better to cheat than to do her won work. Dd is hyperfocusedd on finishing this task which is causing her to not focus on more important tasks.

Even in real adult world, people sometimes get additional support. Education system is anyway old and not fair to all. Also, don't understand the difference between tracing the outline of image versus someone making the outline for you. In both approaches, artist is getting help and not solely relying on their talent. Tracing is also advantage over a person doubt free hand drawing but for some reason that it allowed.

Op has agreed to not do drawing for her dd but some posters still want to judge op and her parenting while completely ignoring the circumstances.

Trendyname · 05/05/2025 22:54

Whatsitreallylike · 05/05/2025 11:19

My mum didn’t involve herself AT ALL in my school work. Not even proof reading. I took accountability very young and am thriving. I have 6 figure salary in a senior professional role, I did very well throughout school etc… you get the idea. (I’m ADHD, diagnosed through school in 2005)
A close friend of mine, who’s mum was over involved, organised everything for her child and ‘helped’ her with school work. That girl was predicted good grades and did well at school, mediocre at 6th form and dropped out of uni. She couldn’t cope, because she had never been given the opportunity to do It for herself.

Don’t take your child’s independence from them, it will only harm them.

Everybody is different. There is a poster a few posts above whose mum helped and she still managed to do PHD on her own. There are other factors which add to a child's resilience or make them unable to cope rather than a parent willing to help when child struggles.
Maybe her dd will learn distress tolerance over time, maybe she will also realise how caring her mum have been and this would motivate her.
Op is not doing dd's school work anyways.

BatChops1 · 05/05/2025 23:05

All I’m saying is that I was absolutely delighted to get a distinction for a piece of history homework I did for my son back in the day …

Trendyname · 05/05/2025 23:09

gattocattivo · 05/05/2025 11:30

Really can’t see the point of this thread. You’ve decided exactly what you’re going to do and are justifying going beyond support and actually doing tasks/ parts of tasks for her. Presumably you’re also going to encourage her to sign the document confirming the work is entirely her own.

cool. Your decision. I preferred to support not do the work for my Neuro divergent child. I feel it’s preferable to model honesty and to foster resilience and acceptance, not easy with a child who gets overwhelmed and has meltdowns but better to learn this lesson in a safe environment at home, with a loving parent, than when they’re out in the big wide world of university or work.

But as I say, if you’ve decided what you’re going to do for your daughter’s work, there’s little point in continuing the thread

Op has said a few posts before she is not going to help dd with coursework.

Reason she is replying to posters criticising her parenting is because perhaps it is a sensitive topic fot her with no black and white rights and wrongs.

How do you know she is going to make dd falsely sign? Develop some perspective so you can understand complexity of human emotions rather than use them to predict their actions.

Trendyname · 05/05/2025 23:15

Well done to.your dd op. You are a great mum. I am sure you will help her develop resilience and drop her perfectionist tendencies.
I am a recovering perfectionist. It makes everything much harder and not enjoyable.
Enjoy your new hobby.

SomeDanceToForget · 05/05/2025 23:17

BatChops1 · 05/05/2025 23:05

All I’m saying is that I was absolutely delighted to get a distinction for a piece of history homework I did for my son back in the day …

Edited

Well done . 😂🥳

HangingOver · 05/05/2025 23:21

BatChops1 · 05/05/2025 23:05

All I’m saying is that I was absolutely delighted to get a distinction for a piece of history homework I did for my son back in the day …

Edited

I wrote four other people's English creative writing coursework when I was at school. No fucker noticed, even when a boy predicted Ds submitted an A* piece of coursework.

Oldfashioneddinosaur · 05/05/2025 23:37

Lovely update OP

mondaytosunday · 06/05/2025 01:11

OP I posted earlier on your thread but talked to my DD, who did both GCSE and A level art. I wanted to know how she felt about it.
Her response was: if you are going to help (whatever form that takes) then just do it and do not ask on the internet about it.
Further, you are either trying to get support to justify your actions or will get vilified. She says one drawing is not going to make any difference to the overall grade and will have no impact on her future endeavours. While I know of a few parents who have written the odd essay for their child (and one of my closest friends boasts proudly of the A her son got for a paper she wrote), this is hardly the same.
I hope she can put it behind her now and concentrate on her other exams.

mathanxiety · 06/05/2025 02:09

ocelot3 · 05/05/2025 07:38

As someone with a DC with adhd I have done this. Frankly, working in this field and knowing the variation of help for students between one school and another, variation in the standard of what goes on in schools, and variations in marking nationally, I would say don’t stress and just work with her to get the job done. It’s one tiny part of a bigger picture. When you think of the variation in advantage that goes on between different children in different schools from different households along with access to tutors, the playing field is very far from level! The only issue is if she or you says anything to the school to raise this as an issue. It’s a nightmare for students working against the tide with SEN trying to get things like this done at home. I would say take the stress off this time and support. Maybe suggest ‘let’s try it this way and if you then want to do it yourself afterwards then you can do’ if you then feel more confident’ to ensure it is has been ‘her decision’. Then she at least has some something to hand in.

Excellent post.

I was going to point out the advantage many students accrue from the resources parents are able to throw at their academic progress all through their school years - tutors, enrichment, extra and co curricular activities - to say nothing of the ability to buy a house in an area where schools are good.

I'm very surprised so many voted you were being unreasonable. How many of the 70% wouldn't think twice about hiring a tutor?

CanadaNotAMum · 06/05/2025 05:23

As an adult with ADHD who flew under the radar as a child, I’ve always found that individual projects with that had to follow a prescribed process as part of the grade to be completely foreign. People with ADHD need a high level of stimulation in order to shift and maintain attention to the task at hand, so shorter deadlines that add pressure tend to be more doable. I wonder if the drawn-out nature of this project has caused her more issues than the task itself!

Midell · 06/05/2025 17:55

If she is copying the drawing from a picture, try turning the picture upside down and see if she can copy it then. Apparently, our brains get hung up on trying to make perfect copy of what we see and we get frustrated when we can see its not working. Unending it makes it something the brain doesn't recognise as a person so it is much freer in reproduction. This technique for everyone. Its called Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain.

Midell · 06/05/2025 17:56

Unending of course

Tonkie18 · 06/05/2025 17:59

I’ve been in a similar boat recently. With the upcoming exams and the additional stress it has exacerbated her issues. She’s definitely struggling with ADHD, but she’s possibly on the spectrum too (multiple neurodiverse in family). So I completely get where you’re at. I’ve had to give a lot more help than I thought I would - organising her, keeping her on track, encouraging etc. with her subjects though I can’t get involved as they’re all crazy difficult and I never did that stuff in school 😭

all you’ve done is draw a picture like you said could have been traced by her. And if it gives her the motivation/eases the pressure to get through the rest then it’s been worth it. I can tell you from experience with AuDHD, it is so difficult to start a task, we strive for perfectionism and won’t accept anything but, it’s exhausting and stressful and I wish I had had a Mum like you when I was growing up to guide me and keep me on track.. and just so I wasn’t going through it alone. I handed no coursework in at all (undiagnosed at that point). The lower grades severely affected my confidence etc and if I had just had someone to help me it would have been different.

You’re giving your child the support she needs, nothing more. Good luck for her exams x

TattyBluebell · 06/05/2025 18:31

I totally get it!
My son has dyslexia and was getting no help whatsoever in school. In English they were all reading a book, then had to answer questions and write about it. He couldn't read or understand the book at all so I read it.. then helped him with the questions. Not answering them but reading the passage and explaining the scenario to him and then him figuring it out from there.
I didn't feel bad about it at all. I didn't answer the questions. I just helped him understand the book and what was required from him.

Crazyworldmum · 06/05/2025 18:42

No judgment here . I have a daughter with adhd , one of the most intelligent girls I meet in my life , absolutely fails if working under pressure .

Purpl · 06/05/2025 19:07

LolaLouise · 05/05/2025 07:39

Its not exam piece, its the prject leading up to it, which the teachers have given plenty of direction on, and shes done all the work up until now. She just cant draw a face that looks realistic.

Show quote history

Just help her as much as you can. I have Dyslexic children and one with ADHD. It’s one exam like you say she not even going into highest level art. Plenty of private schools give much more help. It’s a gcse not a doctors exam. Give her the best chance you can to get a grade. Life is hard evough for these kids. Some kids get private tutors etc,
so what if you drawn a face does it matter ? Like you say you aren’t fantastic at art so not like she jumping from level 2 to level 9. The final grade based on the whole portfolio.
I’ve spelt checked a number of coursework’s for my kids. The French teacher at my school wrote out answers to the recorded verbal test with cues to pause and everything. Yes she should be sacked but it goes on. It’s one drawing ignore the setting her up to fail people

Purpl · 06/05/2025 19:11

I know a mum who wrote her daughter uni essays as she was qualified in the same field.
it happens. Make the best of your opportunities and luck. Let’s face it plenty of people embellish skills at interviews

Yousay55 · 06/05/2025 19:26

If it’s not for the actual exam, I wouldn’t be too worried. I’m sure you’re not alone.

Askingforafriendtoday · 06/05/2025 19:33

LoveWine123 · 05/05/2025 07:38

Why don’t you include the drawing she did even if it’s worse than yours. If her grade in art won’t matter. Don’t teach her someone will always save her.

This

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