To not want other people’s children in our garden?

[Tina3589]

I have 3 daughters aged 6-2 and I’m heavily pregnant at the moment. We have spent a lot of time and money recently on our garden and getting new garden toys/equipment for the kids- I feel like we will be reliant on the garden over the next few months since I’ll either be pregnant or have a newborn.
My neighbour has a child slightly older than my eldest. She constantly asks to come in and play. She will stand at the back gate shouting through etc. the thing is- I don’t really want to watch someone else’s child. Her parents don’t watch her while she is out and she can be quite full on. One of my children is autistic and I feel like with such young kids and being pregnant, I’ve already got my hands full So I’ve just been saying no whenever she asks to come in. I can tell this is annoying her parents though. They have stopped saying hello or acknowledging us when we see them.

Am I being really horrible?

You are under absolutely no obligation to let her in! If this child wants play equipment, her parents should be getting it or at least providing some outdoor toys. It’s not your problem and you’ve got more than enough to do. Don’t give in because you’ll be pestered by the child continually if you do.

However, if the gate is the only way the child can see into your garden, change it for a solid one or at least tack up some of that green tarpaulin-like stuff so you have privacy.

I experienced similar when heavily pregnant with my 3rd child however it was the little girl opposite and she was forever wanting to play outside without mine. The issue was at 5 she was allowed to play unsupervised on our estate and my dd wasn't. I always offered for her to play in our garden so I could sit and supervise but I wasn't able to wander around the estate keeping an eye on them. The mum started ignoring me too and I just went over and had a word with the dad who was a lot nicer anyway.

So no i don't think yabu. You have your hands full already and if it's too much then it's too much. I would go over and have a word though.

Keep saying No.
We had a little girl move in next door, two years younger than my youngest. She would ask to come over which wasn't so bad during term time as she went to her Dad's most weekends so wasn't around but come school holidays she wanted to be in every day.
We like to keep quite busy with days out and having friends over but she never seemed to be taken anywhere. So we would get home, my children would be ready for a rest, I'd have jobs to do and she would be hanging over the fence.

We had a sort of similar situation when our neighbours fence blew down and they didn’t repair it. Their son used to just wander in and play in our garden. I actually just felt sorry for him but to be fair he wasn’t a pain, didn’t need to shout over a gate, just probably a bit bored and lonely and he didn’t have anything in his garden. We had a big trampoline, swing and slide set, playhouse thing and garden toys.
In the end we paid to get a whole new fence put in because they had a broken glass greenhouse and my small dc kept attempting to wander over to their side and I worried about them hurting themselves.
I feel sorry for kids whose parents don’t make an effort with them and am a bit soft as my mum was a bit of a disinterested parent too and I remember how that felt!
But if it’s annoying you you don’t have to put up with it and it doesn’t sound like it’s making your life easier so I can see why you’d want it to stop.

I'm so sick of people trying to impose responsibility for shit parents' kids onto others. Yeah, it's not okay that the child's parents seem to not bother with their child, but it's not up to random people like neighbours to make up for that. "What's one more kid?" - that's absolutely not the point. Most people can easily accommodate an extra child if they have to. But that's the thing: no one has to. And no, it's not mean to choose to not be a substitute parent for other people's children. Especially if said children's parents don't even have it in them to say hello when they see you on the street. We need to stop being such pushovers, and allow ourselves to be guilted into semi permanent and involuntary childcare arrangements for entitled people.

If the child is truly neglected by her parents, OP needs to report them to child protection services - not try to compensate for the shit parents.

YANBU but could you ask the parents to come? You could say if Jenny is fine to come and supervise as I’m not feeling too great today! Your DC’s will likely enjoy the company too

This is something I have noticed over the years. Some, definitely not all,
parents of only children seem to think that other parents will be happy to look after their children. Just say no. It is too many for you to look after.

One more child can make a huge difference to a day completely depending on the dynamic.
It can be easy or painful, depending on the child and how they all get on.

My friend had an only child and lived next door to 3 boys that her child loved.
She was very careful and strategic in making it work for her.

She got the big trampoline and supervise them at hers.
She would give them all lunch at hers and let their mum go off and do a shop.
Her boy got to hang out in their house and play with their games.
She made a point of giving her neighbour a bit of down time when she could.
The payback was her child was really included in hanging out next door.

They babysat for each other.
Neither women were CF's and made it work for them both.
My friend would have loved more children but it never happened for her.
She got a puppy for her son and all 4 children were obsessed with it.
They are all in their 20's now and more like close cousins than neighbours.
When people aren't CF's things can work out that both sides are happy.

@FOJN We need a "guilt trip woman who already has enough to do" bingo card for threads like this. We've already had "I wouldn't mind", "poor child", "you're being mean".

Add a #BeKind and you've got a full house.

I’d just say what you’ve said here I’m pregnant, tired, have young kids and one’s autistic and I can’t supervise another one. As a parent of an autistic kid there’s a reasonable chance they will now avoid yours. if they are nice people they will be understanding.

It’s not so easy mixing ND and NT kids mine needed constant watching and was developmentally much younger than their age, had no play skills and didn’t like being around other children. so it’s not the same as NT kids having a play date

This. Just tell her you’re busy. I would actually be annoyed other kids constantly wanting to come over. You have enough to see to already and I’m sure your 3 have enough company with each other already.

I agree @keeponandonandon if you live in a built up area with neighbours, isn't that the whole point? They wander from house to house or garden to garden. No one need to mind anyone. If a kid needs a drink/toilet/plaster they run to their own house and back out to play. I don't understand why people make such a fuss of having a kid around. If they are annoying you around the house just tell them go outside or next door for a while. Everything doesn't have to be such a big drama and bother.

I feel a bit sad for the girl but agree she's not your responsibility.

No?

Because it is not the 1970s. If the child is playing on equipment someone has to be responsible for her.
OP probably has a great family play dynamic going on. She probably doesn’t what it disrupted. My children always played well together and a neighbour was always trying to send her child over to play.

They don’t greatly enjoy playing with her. She is quite rough with their toys and very bossy so they quickly get fed up with her.

they never reciprocate and I’m not even certain I would be comfortable if they did as they don’t supervise her at all.

They get fed up of her. She can be very rough.

Don’t allow her to come op. The problem with people like this is you accommodate it once and they never leave. So what if she’s lonely, bored, no one to play with. How is that op’s problem? And more so her parents seem like they would happily dump her around op’s all the time. Speak to the parents and make it clear. They are CF’s who need to play with their kid.

Thanks everyone- I’ve just had a chance to catch up with replies. I do feel bad for her when she looks bored but my own kids don’t greatly enjoy her company. They don’t have any outdoor toys or anything for her, so I can understand why she would get fed up easily. I just really don’t feel up to having another child to supervise, particularly when she isn’t the best behaved. I’m still working at the moment and feeling very tired after work and on my days off, so I don’t know if I’m just oversensitive.

I had a neighbour's 8 yo DC in my garden and house for 6 hours on Saturday. She's my DDs classmate. I fed her lunch and had to rescue her from our swing set 4 times as she got herself tangled in the ropes doing gymnastics. I don't mind her being here for a couple of hours but I reached my limit that day. I can never relax when someone else's child is in my care. Her parents don't seem to watch her either. She's allowed to wander anywhere, my DC are not. The dad has spoken to me on the school run, stepmum doesn't acknowledge me.

She also knocks on our door at 8pm on a school night. My DC were about to go to bed. I clearly have a very different parenting style to her parents, which isn't this girls fault so I'm not going to say 'no' to her all the time but yesterday I insisted they play in her garden.

Boundaries are important, but if your DC don't like playing with her, then I would advocate for them and say no.

Then this is different

and I backtrack my earlier reply

i thought be nice for your eldest to have an older one to play with

if they wanted to and happy

but if other child isn’t nice then totally diff

Don't entertain it. My husband built a swimming pool, only 10 ft x 8ft, a playhouse, bar and deck area in our garden for entertaining when we have the grandchildren over. A couple of the neighbours kids asked to use when gc over, we agreed. Then they would ask when we didn't have gc over... got to a point of almost daily.. then we had a complaint that WE left THEIR children unsupervised by the pool when we walked our dogs.

Using the pool stopped for all neighbours that day. Luckily those neighbours moved last year.

I've been where you are. It made me not want to go out in my garden anymore because I couldn't just sit out there in peace. Is there any way you can make your garden private?

And this is why I said to op if she says yes once, then it becomes an always situation. Some people just don’t know when to stop and many parents are all too happy to dump their kids elsewhere.
i also just make it a rule to never be over friendly with neighbours kids too. When there’s a problem it becomes a big problem. My dc have lots of friends so we don’t need to complicate things with the neighbours children.