Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

What did your partner work as before becoming a SAHM, @Equalitystreets ?

There probably isn't a massive gap in the market for middle-aged women who've been out of employment for umpteen years.

She'll be fine, there are always entry level jobs available. Shame if she chose not to keep her skills and education up, but call centres are always looking for staff.

True, and I have been unable to resist reading these weird comments.

I just don't understand how ANYBODY thinks an adult human being has the right to a workhorse and wallet for the next 15 years, or that it's the working partner's fault if the sahm chose not to keep her skills and education updated.

Not to mention, all this crapping on about careers - she just needs a job. Any job will do to start with.

And if she did choose not to update her skills and education that just says that her plan was always to sit on her arse once the kids were grown up, and she didn't feel she needed a back up plan.

There would have to be a massive backstory missing for the sahm's argument to be even vaguely acceptable.

@Equalitystreets I think you should have anticipated this years ago. If a stay at home parent is still staying at home when the children are at secondary school, I think it's safe to assume that they have no intentions of ever going back to work. You aren't unreasonable to want your partner to contribute, but realistically, someone in their 50s who hasn't worked for the last 20 years is going to struggle to get any kind of job, and even if they do, they're not going to have time to build up a meaningful pension.

If the sahp starts working, you will have more money to spend at actual retirement age. What is the sahp do with their day now?
I didn't vote as I didn't understand what I'm voting for as unreasonable but it's totally unreasonable of your partner to decide they are not working whilst you have to. I would've had this conversation when kids were teens

And yeah, earning ANYTHING is better than just being a leech forever. Any money she earns can be saved for something really nice for you both when you both actually retire.

Sahm here. I would love to go back to work now that my children are older (11 and 15) but since the older is autistic and highly dependant on me (not physically) and my husband goes away for atleast 2 nights a week for his job irregularly there is just no way unless I could wfh. Which I can't because I don't have that type of job experience/skill/diploma. I do all cleaning, laundry etc at home and everything for the kids (homework etc).
I do get carer's allowance but ofcourse a salary would be better. I don't think I'm lazy and I try to live frugally only spending money on bare necessities for myself. I find some comments very offensive on this forum towards sahp.

It’s reasonable to expect your partner to work once they have finished the role of sahp. But you have to consider their confidence, skill set and employability after not working for 20 plus years. You need to look together at Is a job feasible, maybe they could do something part time or volunteer or study. Try to discuss it as a positive of what now, anything is possible.

What do you want to happen OP?

Is this the first time that you’ve had this conversation? My DP was a SAH parent but was training in order to prepare for an alternative career once the children were less dependent. We talked about it and retirement planning way before.

Do both people have savings for retirement available? What was the big financial plan for retirement for the couple?

This post is somewhat goading… I predict lots of hateful replies towards the ‘SAHP’. As the children are grown up it is logic that this person finds another purpose- that could be anything depending on what the financial plan is/was. I assume there was a plan decided and agreed to by both people because if not they’ve been very very very stupid.

No, s/he needs to get a job.

You’re not usually a SAHP after kids start school, you’re a housewife/husband.

Tell them they need to contribute. Do you even love them with this selfish attitude?

I've said this many times before, but as the children reached uni age, there was a steady drip of their friends' parents divorcing. Mainly, the man found a younger more exciting partner.

The women were often SAHMs who had not worked for twenty years. The doyennes of the tennis club and school gate. Generally well educated women who had good jobs in their 20s and good degrees. Twenty years on they talked about their children, their homes their children, their holidays, their children. They were the same women who laughed at me when I got an entry level p/t job when dd was settled in reception because it was soooo belittling.

10-12 years on from that, when their husband's left them, they were completely unemployable and this was in London. Honestly, they simply would not have fitted into an admin team at a local employer or coped with having to do what they were told told to do.

They live in smaller houses now, still play tennis and are rather bitter, talking about downsizing again, to the coast or the West Country because they need to release capital.

As a woman whose two ex husbands were useless, s it turned out, as well as a cheating money grabber/ alcoholic, I have raised 4 children whilst working full time. I will never retire. I have also never expected another adult to fund my life.
As resentment is now building, you need to talk about it. There could be many reasons for what your wife is saying.
If she hasn’t worked for 25 years, she may be terrified of trying in reality.
She’s not going to walk into a well paid job so as a couple, you need to evaluate if the potential £12.21 p/h is a good financial pay off for the disruption to your lives.
She needs to understand that you are feeling resentful.
What was her parents’ set up? Was her Mother a Housewife, as they used to be known?
It used to be the norm, but quite often the ex- SAHM would get a ‘little job’ for her ‘pin money’- would this be a stepping stone?

I do NOT think that your wife is in the right here. However, can you imagine trying to get a job after potentially 25yrs away from the workplace? Empathy will go a long way here methinks.

DH retired before me so first thing I did was cancel the cleaner as he was in full agreement that he would do 100% of household chores (except ironing) as he was no longer employed. The difference was we both worked full time until retirement, shared household chores 50/50 and paid for childcare. I was always the higher earner but his contribution to household maintenance more than covered any salary disparity. Your partner is unreasonable and a frank discussion is needed on what contribution they will make to finances going forwards whether that be taking on all household chores or finding a job which of course would enable you to retire earlier than planned as savings could be boosted with the additional income.

And to be generous to her, perhaps she is nervous about working for a living again after choosing not to for so long.

Ah well, never mind, adults just have to do stuff they don't want to do. So unless you're prepared to be her permanent workhorse and wallet, she will just have to get a job.

And you will have to insist upon it, not just have conversations where you feel blindsided and resentful, as you have stated.

If necessary, point out the reality that women have ALWAYS worked for pay and this weird rewriting of history, where people are trying to pretend they didn't, is simply not true. Only a tiny minority of very privileged women ever stayed home, not working.

What is the parent actually retiring from?

When I was a SAHP I did all the housework and most ( frequently all) the gardening.

I wouldn't like this. I would have expected them to get a paid job perhaps part time to start with and those extra earnings to be saved therefore meaning the long term earner would be able to retire early.

I guess the only thing you could do is sit down and have a frank conversation and show them the impact another income will have.

It sounds like you've been more than fair by doing 50% of the housework and by both of your names being on investments etc, it's massively extracting the michael for them to view their job as 'done' and expext you to carry on working for another decade and a half. Ideally they'd work so you can reduce your hours and have a bit more balance plus get to enjoy more time together in this new phase of life with the children at university. Is there money in the pot for them to do some training or scope to do some volunteering? Reality is if they refuse and it's a deal breaker for you (it would be for me), they'll be fine in a split financially i imagine so it might not be easy to convince them.

As a parent your job is never done. And it would bore me rigid to stay home all day polishing broom handles whilst my partner went to work to provide for me and our home after our children had flown the nest. But, horses for courses I guess. And it does sound like small cracks of resentment are beginning to appear in your ‘set up’.

Your DP is taking the piss. However, after not working for 18 years, you can’t also expect her to walk back into a well paying role to bring in a significant amount of money. I assume retirement doesn’t mean she won’t continue to do things round the house? And to be fair, in a normal family home, there isn’t enough to keep someone occupied when kids are older and not dependent anyway! You should have had a chat back then

Isn't it just. This "mental load" stuff is just guff. Plenty of couples both work full time and manage to "run a home" as well. The SAHM role is vastly exaggerated.

I do think in this case the SAHP is being unreasonable, but would need more information.

For a start, if your partner has the sole financial responsibility, the SAHP usually does the bulk of the household chores once out of the initially hectic, sleep-deprived baby stage. Even more so if you have much older children/children who have flown the nest.

I’m unsure what else the SAHP does with their time. If they are switching attention away from previous tasks focused on the children, they would logically have more time for more in-depth home making tasks, e.g. growing/preserving/cooking a wider range of foods from scratch. It is also of utmost importance to many home makers/SAHPs to volunteer their time and talents to their wider community. I’m unsure if this person is supporting neighbours/the elderly/local churches/local schools, etc. These would be meaningful pursuits with more time available, and some of these roles are highly responsible and take up a fair bit of time.

If her DH would like the opportunity to relax more and even retire earlier, then it would certainly be fair to him to have a discussion about her working part-time even so he could reduce his own workload, that’s about working as a supportive team within your marriage and fully considering each other.

I don’t think you actually ever ‘retire’ from being a parent. Young adults can need a lot of practical and emotional support coming and going from university. Depending on what age they start a family, then you become a grandparent and may have a whole new level of involvement/duties. So she may not actually feel as ‘retired’ as she assumes 😂

Totally agree. Also we are always hearing on mumsnet about how the SAHP forfeits a dizzy career and high salary. Most employed people don't make it to the dizzy heights of seniority and fat salary. Most workers throughout their life might just get promoted, once twice, 3 times then stay at that level. The options aren't just SAHP or high-flying career. Most people just have a job.

If there's another 15 years of earning/career opportunities, then I think the SAHP should be thinking about different options for doing something, not just early retirement funded by someone else. Volunteering can help build a CV and help people decide if something is a good fit, so that could be a good place to start, or they could start their own business if they have a relevant interest/skill. With almost 2 decades of parenting experience, they could also think about things like becoming involved with children's hearing systems and other ways to use their experience to help other children.