Page 27 | Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

Equalitystreets · 2025-05-03T22:19:50+00:00

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner. Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day. They always share the household chores equally. When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’. The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner). Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 14:13

TheHerboriste · 04/05/2025 14:02

How absurd.

Any financial contribution is better than zero.
Especially over 15 years. The SAHM in question is probably only 45 years old.

And the breadwinner cutting hours in the prime of working life is a disaster in terms of retirement preparation, paying off mortgage, etc. Not to mention paying for the kids’ uni or training.

Do some people here really have such poor financial literacy???

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45? How did you come to this? I don’t know anyone who had dc at 25 and if there are more than one child then the parent would be at least mid 50s

sure if you had your child at 25 and had one child only then you would be 45 by the time they were 20 but as most people don’t start having dc until they are very late 20s if not into their 30s and and 2-3dc then 45 is very unrealistic.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/05/2025 14:15

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 14:09

You could look at it a different way though. In many households the SAHP has likely worked more hours over the past 25 years while the dc have been growing than the ‘working parent’ has.

the domestic work and parenting and mental and emotional load has probably been every waking hour for the last 25 years whilst the ‘working parent’ had had more hours of then time and non mental load time. Do you could say the SAHP has done their fair share even if the other parent is working for some years more

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You [general you] could look at it that way but you [general you] has no way of making that scenario true beyond your own bias. The reality is it's very unlikely to be true.

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 14:15

OP your post has a nasty tone of ‘it’s really the working partner’s money’ about it.

the money put into investments and pensions is ‘their’ money because the SAHP contributed with their childcare and domestic management roll

G5000 · 04/05/2025 14:16

you could say the SAHP has done their fair share even if the other parent is working for some years more

While they had 3 toddlers and a baby at home - sure. All DC school-aged, then moving out? No, I don't think childcare and housework is comparable and should entitle someone to early retirement like some high risk career.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/05/2025 14:17

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/05/2025 11:55

Staying at home with kids is no picnic. It's bloody hard and many women don't get a break.

It shouldn't be trivialised or seen as a luxury, it's also work from which you never switch off or have set days off - after decades, it's perfectly understandable that a woman enjoy a bit of time to herself

I mean after the kids are babies, what does the working parent really do in the house - when the kids are at school, mums are usually cleaning, running errands for the working parent as well as the kids, ironing, washing etc

I wonder what 50/50 housework looks like for the op, for me it just sounds like picking up your socks, putting on a load of washing

Being a sahp is still work

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You are determined to minimise the OP's household contributions, even though they have said that they share domestic chores 50/50. You are also determined to big up the role of the SAHP to the point of parody.

I've been a SAHP to small children, I've been a childminder and I've been a full-time working single parent. Being a SAHP to my own children was easy in comparison to my other roles. Also, do not underestimate the impact of work-based stress and bullying bosses when you are not in a position to leave the job as you are the sole provider.

Surferosa · 04/05/2025 14:20

I can't be bothered to go back and quote the poster however unless you have children with significant health conditions, SEN etc or you are living in Buckingham palace. I just don't buy this argument that when your kids go to school it somehow takes six hours EVERY DAY to keep on top of the "endless cleaning", appointments and errands.

Looking after a home and running a house is not a "job". It's something that myself and all my friends who are working parents manage to do without it being this majorly unbearable stress that some SAHMS seem to think it is. In this day and age, how many "errands" are people having to do that require them to take hours each day? Why do they need to go to appointments every day? Why do they have "endless cleaning" if them or their kids are out the house for six/seven hours a day and not there to make a mess?

Have we had a post yet about the "life admin" that also somehow takes hours each week to do?

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 04/05/2025 14:20

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 14:15

OP your post has a nasty tone of ‘it’s really the working partner’s money’ about it.

the money put into investments and pensions is ‘their’ money because the SAHP contributed with their childcare and domestic management roll

I've re read the OP's posts- that's quite an inventive imagination you have.

AthWat · 04/05/2025 14:22

Feelingmuchbetter · 04/05/2025 14:09

You sound very uptight and mean spirited.

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Yes, much better to invent excuses for the OP's selfish partner like suggesting they have a racing stable to run that wasn't mentioned. Nothing mean spirited about that.

tuvamoodyson · 04/05/2025 14:22

turningpoints · 03/05/2025 23:25

Why would you care?

Why would anyone care about what anyone posts on here? It’s a discussion forum….thats how these things work. You clearly don’t care, so perhaps this thread isn’t for you.

the7Vabo · 04/05/2025 14:23

thepariscrimefiles · 04/05/2025 14:17

You are determined to minimise the OP's household contributions, even though they have said that they share domestic chores 50/50. You are also determined to big up the role of the SAHP to the point of parody.

I've been a SAHP to small children, I've been a childminder and I've been a full-time working single parent. Being a SAHP to my own children was easy in comparison to my other roles. Also, do not underestimate the impact of work-based stress and bullying bosses when you are not in a position to leave the job as you are the sole provider.

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The last one. As someone with such a boss currently, I would rather deal with my children being bratty than her.
I can lose my cool at my children, I can have a bad day leave the washing & have coffee with a friend or have a couch day if things are getting to me if I’m at home.
My boss’ s mad demands are out of my control.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/05/2025 14:23

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/05/2025 12:11

Yes, it's called retirement

They can make changes to bring that retirement earlier, reduce their workload, but the provider isn't done providing for their partner until they draw their pension

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Jesus, you make it sound like a life sentence for the poor provider whose responsibility to provide for a grown adult doesn't end until they reach state pension age.

the7Vabo · 04/05/2025 14:27

thepariscrimefiles · 04/05/2025 14:23

Jesus, you make it sound like a life sentence for the poor provider whose responsibility to provide for a grown adult doesn't end until they reach state pension age.

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It’s also doesn’t understand employment at will. All people have to do to leave a job is give notice. A partner is not bound to either you or their employers to stay in a job until retirement.

saraclara · 04/05/2025 14:29

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 14:09

You could look at it a different way though. In many households the SAHP has likely worked more hours over the past 25 years while the dc have been growing than the ‘working parent’ has.

the domestic work and parenting and mental and emotional load has probably been every waking hour for the last 25 years whilst the ‘working parent’ had had more hours of then time and non mental load time. Do you could say the SAHP has done their fair share even if the other parent is working for some years more

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When I was a SAHM my husband didn't switch off from parenting when he got home. Nor did he switch off from domestic stuff. And he carried the mental load of a really stressful and responsible job on top of that, which he was only too aware was needed to keep a roof over our heads.

Your description reminds me of Mr Banks in Mary Poppins, hanging up his bowler hat and then having nothing to do with the children or the household. That's pretty unrealistic in this day and age.

TheHerboriste · 04/05/2025 14:29

If I were the breadwinner and the SAH declared they would not work, I’d be reining in the purse strings ASAP. They aren’t entitled to a cushy life on my salary.

They would find themselves living in the most frugal household imaginable. Wages would be diverted to pensions, which cannot be tapped for years.

Fleakster · 04/05/2025 14:31

I have been a SAHM, a WFH parent doing the school runs etc, the breadwinner and the breadwinner and career to an unwell spouse. This isn’t unusual as life changes so do our roles. No one is provider or provided for as an absolute. This is the beauty of partnership and team work. Without that there isn’t even a relationship. Some posters on this thread would make it seem impossible for single parents or for working parents to be effective parents.

the7Vabo · 04/05/2025 14:33

saraclara · 04/05/2025 14:29

When I was a SAHM my husband didn't switch off from parenting when he got home. Nor did he switch off from domestic stuff. And he carried the mental load of a really stressful and responsible job on top of that, which he was only too aware was needed to keep a roof over our heads.

Your description reminds me of Mr Banks in Mary Poppins, hanging up his bowler hat and then having nothing to do with the children or the household. That's pretty unrealistic in this day and age.

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I don’t know a couple personally where that happens.

A stay a home parent is not the same thing as a solo parent.

The mental load of raising children is real. It doesn’t compare to the mental load of many jobs. I’ve worked in banks where payments systems used by millions of people will fail if something goes wrong. Other people do jobs that are literally the different between life & death. Not all jobs of course, but most jobs have some kind of mental load attached or really intense physical labour.

saraclara · 04/05/2025 14:34

It's going to be fun when the OP comes back and she's a woman and her partner is a man.

Then everyone will be yelling that he's a cocklodger.

SAHM of teens - vital hard working saint
SAHD of teens - idle bastard

FrodoBiggins · 04/05/2025 14:35

blueleavesgreensky · 04/05/2025 14:09

You could look at it a different way though. In many households the SAHP has likely worked more hours over the past 25 years while the dc have been growing than the ‘working parent’ has.

the domestic work and parenting and mental and emotional load has probably been every waking hour for the last 25 years whilst the ‘working parent’ had had more hours of then time and non mental load time. Do you could say the SAHP has done their fair share even if the other parent is working for some years more

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16 hrs a day for 25 years of childcare and housework? Don't think so mate

the7Vabo · 04/05/2025 14:42

FrodoBiggins · 04/05/2025 14:35

16 hrs a day for 25 years of childcare and housework? Don't think so mate

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How does a working parent have more hours of “them time”. They’re at work.

If you have a SAHP of school aged kids and a working parent the SAHP has more then time surely? Even if it’s only 4 hours of the day, it’s 4 hours where they can choose what to do and how to do it when the working parent can’t.

There was a time where men came come and Mad Men style expected perfect children, dinner on the table and a clean home. And the man would have his dinner let wife put kids to bed, and go the next morning, then off to the pub or whatever at the weekends. That time has passed. Now most kids have two parents that work and between various afterschool clubs, minders, annual leave etc muddle along.

G5000 · 04/05/2025 14:44

I'm sure there are some working parents who do fuck all at home, I know one who is barely aware he has children living in the house. But that's not the case for the majority.

Brefugee · 04/05/2025 14:44

the working outside the home parent needs to announce that they will retire at the same time, and they can enjoy retirement together. This is how much money there will be - and how they are planning to get by on that amount.

SAHP is a piss taker and needs to get a job.
At the VERY least SAHP now needs to take over all household tasks, every single one of them. Tbh working parent might like to cut their losses and divorce, take the current hit then enjoy their next 15 years and retirement without the millstone.

FrodoBiggins · 04/05/2025 14:47

Unsure if you quoted the wrong person but I think we agree. I was saying I don't think a STAP spends "every waking hour" for 25 years on housework and kids.
PS love mad men

the7Vabo · 04/05/2025 14:48

G5000 · 04/05/2025 14:44

I'm sure there are some working parents who do fuck all at home, I know one who is barely aware he has children living in the house. But that's not the case for the majority.

Yes, for balance I’d say there are still some who do nothing.

the7Vabo · 04/05/2025 14:49

FrodoBiggins · 04/05/2025 14:47

Unsure if you quoted the wrong person but I think we agree. I was saying I don't think a STAP spends "every waking hour" for 25 years on housework and kids.
PS love mad men

I meant to quote person you quoted!

Mad Men was great!

BobbyBiscuits · 04/05/2025 14:50

I'm sure the person you're talking about must be saying it in a tongue in cheek way. They obviously know that retirement means stopping paid employment?
I guess they're trying to voice the fact they're relieved that once the kids are 18 plus s/he won't need to be so hands on, and they'll move out permanently?
If not then they are sounding an entitled twat!