Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

Lots of sensible stuff said already about how ‘you don’t stop parenting when they’re 18’ etc.
Was your partner joking about retiring? What are you expecting they should do - presumably more of the household stuff? Kudos to you for splitting the chores when you’ve also been working hard. Is your partner busy with hobbies and friends or are they expecting to get really into daytime TV?

I really do think that having one parent at home is really underrated as far as the impact it would have on the working parent if both worked. The working parent never has to worry about time off for child illness, child dr appts, school holidays, inset days, childcare costs etc. Sometimes it comes across (by some) as ‘ok, now you can get off your lazy arse and go back to work since you've done nothing productive these last few years. Not saying that is OP but there can be that attitude.

As a single parent I went back to work when my youngest started seniors but it would have been impossible for me to work before my kids were old enough to be more independent. I worked one day when they were younger, in a temp role, and when I got up to leave for nursery pick up they asked where I was going. I told them I had informed the agency of the hours I could work and they sent me there. The hours weren’t acceptable so that was that. Once kids start school they are forever sick with one thing or another I was always so glad I didn’t have to worry about work during those years.

Says who? I have friends, right now, who have had to become SAHPs because their teens are dropping out of school with severe mental health issues. My friend's daughter is severely anorexic; there are kids at my DC school who are transgender. Try dealing with that and two parents working long hours. Babies are easy, you can just put them where you want and they don't argue back.

I think it is lazy and selfish of your partner to be honest - just because one job comes to an end (sahp being one) it does not mean to say that it is solely their decision to retire. You are in a partnership you both need to agree the next steps that you both feel comfortable with.

I honestly believe they have taken advantage of you, they should be doing 90% of all household jobs and what exactly have they been doing all day when your kids have been at secondary school. especially if you pick up 50% of the chores.

Time for them to go back to work - for me if they didn’t do more going forward my resentment would build, and I couldn’t live like that.

Plenty of people will have no choice but to deal with it with full time jobs because the alternative would mean not having a roof over their heads or food in the cupboards.

This is my situation sort of - I've been a sahm for 20 years and the dc's are all at uni and high school now. It all depends on whether both partners are happy with the situation or not and whether you can afford it. Dh is a high earner and me going and getting a job earning minimum wage isn't worth my time. Im not bothered about returning to work (I do some volunteering) and dh is happy with that bc he doesn't want to do any housework/cooking etc. i keep everything wonderful at home and he earns the money so it seems fairer. Your situation is a bit different - why isn't your partner doing all the housework etc?

My son had a bad depression in yr 12 (had yo drop out of school). Luckily I was between jobs (put job hunting on hold) and was able to be there for him either just as a safe presence at home but also going to dr appts, accompanying him to his therapy sessions when we’d always go for a nice lunch after to boost him up a bit. He is now thriving and that dark time is becoming a distant memory. I am so thankful I was available 24/7 for him.

Their job won't be over, they're probably just telling themselves that lie to get through it.

Teenagers/ young adults are hard work and it doesn't end at 18. You've benefited from them taking the lead on parenting for at least 18 years, focus on appreciating that they missed out on a career to ensure the best outcomes for your children rather than resenting them.

Their positivity could easily change to loneliness when you become empty nesters and you will still have a focus so may not feel the same.

Yes but the point is you cannot blanket dismiss the need and role of a SAHP to a teenager. A struggling teenager will take more time and emotional energy to properly care for. Whereas there’s lots of childcare options and help for a young children that make it easier to structure care around work.

Again, I'm sorry that you have debt and can't reduce your hours. It sounds difficult, and I hope that you can find a way through x

Working people do have free reign to live their lives - it doesn't mean that they get to skip around bali having fun, but it means that they don't have to worry about the kids or the house maintenance. If something goes wrong, the sahp is there to pick up the pieces, mop up the mess. The sahp also provides emotional and practical support for the working partner, ironing, cooking, making sure that they're taken care of - that is a partnership

Working mums do have to worry about both and I can only commend them 🙌

The op can look at reducing their hours and outgoings now that the kids are at uni - no-one saying otherwise. I simply am horrified that the sahp would be forced back into work because the op suddenly hates providing

Being a sahp brings a lot of jealousy 🥺 but its not as easy as working people make it seem

Hmm.. I wonder what the SAHP would say if you just announced that your responsibilities as the WOHP are over now that the kids are at school, and therefore you’ll now just be matching the SAHP role task for task…?? Wouldn’t take long for the money to dry up. SAHP is a very valid role when you actually have little kids at home all day, but once they’re all off at school every day I think most couples have a rebalancing. And I think you’re entitled to what one by the sounds of it!!

I think the key is that you are both happy. If you are both happy than fair enough. Thats a successful partnership.

I think the key in the OP’s situation is that he/she isn’t happy.

If the SAH parent isn’t of retirement age and won’t be drawing a pension once the kids are 18, then they won’t be retired, they’ll be unemployed.

As far as I know, no working partner is legally obligated to financially support an unemployed partner. So the unemployed partner will be in a vulnerable position until they’re entitled to the pension. Unless they start divorce proceedings for division of assets.

I think SouthLondonMum22 certainly DOES want to be around for her children, she just wants to share that with her husband, which is a valid position. Her contributions about parenting more equitably are valid to any of these debates.

Having now debated on a few of these threads, I believe that women who are at either end of the spectrum (at home full-time OR working full-time) come in for the most flak and judgment. People don’t fully understand or respect either a women who is happy in the domestic domain performing unpaid domestic tasks OR a woman who is highly capable, talented, intelligent and ambitious, and refuses to dim that when she becomes a mother. Why on earth should she?

I think societal approval is highest for families where Dad works FT and Mum works 2-3 days per week. Well maybe Mum OR Dad wants to stay at home. Maybe Mum wants to work FT in a highly paid job. I fully support them all, and they are all raising their children.

My final thought on this for today is my goodness I hope my DD doesn’t have to deal with all this when she is older 🙈🙀

But the sahp could also lay awake at night wondering what would happen to the kids should they fall ill and be unable to provide care because the kid & house burden is on their shoulders

There may well be times in your kids' lives when one of you needs to be around for them. God forbid, if you child is ever in hospital, suicidal or a whole host of other potential nightmares, the last thing in your mind will be your precious job or who does the housework. These things are immaterial. Babies are the easy part. If you think teens need less input, you are likely to have a very big shock coming your way.

I simply am horrified that the sahp would be forced back into work because the op suddenly hates providing

Presumably prior to having children they were a dual income family. And they made the decision for OP to become the sole provider so they would all benefit with having a parent at home with the kids. Now the reason for OP becoming the sole provider is no longer relevant, and the financial sacrifice they’ve made to become a single income family no longer has a concurrent benefit of childcare provision for the children.

So no one is being forced back to work, rather there is no longer any coherent need to only have one parent provide financially for the family. OP doesn’t hate providing but is resenting the fact that now all the responsibilities of adulting fall on them until they retire, and somehow his partner’s work has ended when his continues indefinitely.

SAHP should’ve gone back to work when the children started school. No excuse for being a SAHP when the children are at secondary school. Tell your partner to start working. Maybe you could go part time. Lots of mums including me went back to work when toddler turned 1.

There will be exceptions but they are just that, exceptions. The vast majority of teenagers don't need a parent at home 24/7.

We don't know the set up before the kids came along

The op has the option of making changes to their work pattern and lifestyle now that the kids are at university

The sahp shouldn't have their life upended because their partner feels upset about taking care of the person who took care of him and his family for all of those years

The other parent would step up? Surely. If you have to be worried about the other parent caring for the children then something is very wrong.

Christmasmorale turningpointsmumofone Alonebutokay

Your posts are hilarious and ridiculous. And a bit insulting too. How do you think families with 2 working parents or 1 working single parent manage?

So the other parent should be expected to work full time and take care of the home and kids?

No, more than likely the family would rely on support for other people, or the working person would make big cuts to outgoings and work, and become a carer for the Unwell partner

The way the sahp should step up is agreeing to cut back on outgoings, and support their partner in reducing their hours so that they can rest. Not be forced into working after decades because the working parent no longer wants to be a provider

If your partner has never worked she may not feel confident enough to get a job , It does seem unfair that you have to work another 15 years. Maybe discuss how you can retire earlier with a reduction in lifestyle or she gains the skills she needs to go to work and work together on this.

How are the voting options working on this?