Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

It’s a partnership and OP is starting to resent his wife for not contributing enough.

He supported her being a SAHP even while the kids were in secondary and also did 50% of the chores.

Now he’d like not to be left still shouldering the full financial burden.

The OP has not said the SAHP is a 'wife.'

I thought when you got married, it became our money so nobody is funding anybody. It’s our money. Isn’t that what they say?

Not when someone else is paying for it and they are resentful. If the other person agrees, it's fine but if not then something has to change.

I worked in a pharmacy when I was a student. There was a number of older women who had been SAHP, done a pharmacy training course (over the counter sales) and gone back to work. They worked from 50s to retirement. They were some of the hardest working people I have ever met. I also got the impression they got a lot out of it.

So what we’re saying is that the OP has taken completed advantage of their stay at home partner, used her for free domestic labour for 20 years and now it gets to the bit where she gets to take her foot off the gas. He’d like her to suddenly morph into an 80s career woman with shoulder pads and aspirations ? Or roll up her sleeves and take a job at minimum wage if that’s all she’s able to secure for herself, rather than sit around the house making the place look untidy.
Would that be a fair assessment of the situation?

Why don't you read the OP's post and stop making assumptions.
Who has told you that the SAHP is a woman? Men can be lazy and selfish too, you know.

No idea how the poll relates to the question - but I think the working partner in that relationship would be totally within their rights to feel peeved. The SAHP really should be taking on the lion’s share of the household related ‘work’ given it is completely funded by the other party. They should also be looking to get at least a part time job so that they can top up their NI contributions and ensure that they will get a full state pension… to fund that retirement. I think expecting to swan about for the next 15 years while partner continues to work is unreasonable.

I’ve absolutely no doubt it could apply to either sex but that’s not really relevant. Is it?

The OP has funded this household and done 50% of the chores for 20 years. Nobody was doing domestic labour for free. The OP agreed to support his wife to be a SAHP, now the kids are no longer kids there is no more parenting to be done. So what he agreed to support is over.

What would you envisage? For the next 15 years the OP works away, comes home and does 50% of the chores. And the wife does what all day other than the other 50%?

It’s a partnership and that’s not equal.

There a schemes to support older women getting back into the workplace. If the OP had written my wife has tried to get a job but couldn’t or couldn’t get anything other than tough manual labour that would be different.

No.

If the children are approaching 18, the foot was taken off the gas a long time ago and the term ''SAHP'' also became inaccurate a long time ago. They also weren't doing all of the domestic labour anyway.

When does OP get to take their foot of the gas? They've had the burden and pressure of solely providing for 20 years. When do they get their break?

Expecting someone else to financially provide for you forever without even considering contributing yourself is absolutely taking the piss.

By the way OP, you are not 'funding' anyone. You have built up to where you are in your career AND had children and the family life you presumably wanted, because your partner has enabled you to do so. Otherwise, calculate the cost of childcare and the stress of juggling all that and the impact on the children. Your life would have been a lot more complicated - don't take that for granted.

Telling her / him to get some menial job at this stage of life is patronising and unreasonable. You don't sound desperate for money. Instead, maybe look at how they could help maximise returns from the investments you do have - maybe help with some admin etc? What about her / him renovating a property or something?

I worked in the public sector for 40 years and recruiting people in their 50s was normal.

I recall talking to a woman who was a new recruit who was in her late 40s/early 50s she was thrilled that having just qualified as a Solicitor she had secured her first job.

Why take on a 25 year old who may take mat leave within 5 years when you can have a 50 year old who potentially may stay 10-15 years.

No, being a sahp isn't easy at all, keeping the house running and organised and ferrying teens about and making sure that they have everything that they need is a lot of work

As a working partner, if you're not willing to take care of the person who's raised your kids for 18 years, so that you can work and enjoy life, you're in the wrong.

And although the sahp was referring to themselves as being retired, they aren't actually, as being a primary parent Never ends

I think there's a lot of people who hate sahp, so I can't be bothered to argue 😄 but feel very sorry for the sahp - they deserve a stronger partner who takes pride in taking care of the person who raised their kids 🙌

Better to be single than with a person who thinks like this imo x

Completely agree x

Retirement age is 67 deducted 15 years you get 52, approaching 60 is a stretch. At 52 you could get a reliable employee who will work part time for the next 10 years.

They both raised their kids, working does not mean you do not raise your children.

Let’s be honest it usually does.

Are there would you be happy to provide some links to these schemes, please? I’m all ears ? Let’s have a look at them.

You aren't a SAHP when you have teenagers. Plenty of working parents manage all of that plus working full time, now that isn't going to be easy.

I don't hate SAHP but SAHP have young children and look after them all day so this isn't what we're talking about.

I agree that OP should be single, I'm not sure if the ''SAHP'' would be able to cope though actually having to earn their own money.

Of course it doesn't.

It absolutely never does..

Oh absolutely, I fully support people living their life however they choose. If her and her DH are both happy, who cares?

If we had unlimited cash, my dream would be for my DH to quit his job, hit the road and travel the world, taking our children with us and home-educating them. For as long as we could get away with 😂

You only get one life, and should live it how you want 😊

This.

i’ve been a sahm for about 14 years. Obviously much more free time as kids have got older but i’ve no family (none of my husbands around either) & he works away. I do all of the house hold stuff & he doesn’t have to do anything, he didn’t do night feeds etc & it’s just the roles we settled into. I gave up my career & the early years were hard so he doesn’t begrudge me a bit of time in the day now.

I do the school pick up, make dinner (his as well) then ferry the kids about every night to various clubs etc which he can’t be bothered doing so i’m still doing stuff at night when he comes home and doesn’t which is why he doesn’t mind. Clothes are ironed, foods bought & lunches are made & the house is sorted. I’m now a bit bored admittedly during the day so next year when last one to high school (so can all go the bus so no school run) i’ll go back and retrain as i’ve got at least another 20 years working in me! It works for us, more so in the early days and through covid as well, still works but i’ve got the easier deal but it’s a partnership and if i stopped working with no kids around for him to keep working he’d divorce me as he’s not going to fund my lifestyle when no benefit to our family.

you don’t retire from being a sahp - you get a job!

its really no one else’s business. If they are happy with their arrangements.