Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

I worked part time when the kids were little, doing 2 days a week. When the youngest went to secondary I went back to work full time. We could have easily lived off just my DH wage, but I did this so I would build up a pension and he could retire sooner. My eldest is going to uni this year, we have just paid off the mortgage and both aim to retire in the next 6-8 years.
I think your partner needs to get back to work, at the moment this is not an equal partnership. This does not seem to have been discussed with you, but you have been told what is happening. Has your partner even considered how you might feel, I personally would be fuming about the situation.

If one is not working and children are now adults they should be doing all the housework. Or get a job.

The op should find a job that they enjoy more, reduce their hours if they must

The op is the one who's changed their minds about the kind of partner they want to be, not the stay at home parent

Right. And also, it is SO bad for any adult person to put themselves in the position of not earning money, it strips them of pride, choices, future possibilities. It's a terrible option. Mothers, historically have always done paid work for a reason.

One way to retire from staying at home is by leaving. Maybe there is a plan to go off to uni.

Are you claiming women in their 50s/60s don't work in physical roles? I'm not sure where you got heavy manual labour from, but honestly she's expecting her husband to carry on working in what is most likely a high pressure job if it pays enough to support the family for another 15 years, she can find a job.

this is the problem with one parent never working.

Speaking from the perspective of a working woman who enjoys the work I do - I just think it's very sad to never have that independent life.

Once the children are in secondary school - I would have thought the stay at home parent should have been looking for some creative outlet at the very least - or volunteering/ building up skills.

Won't they be incredibly bored spending decades doing nothing?

How can they justify sitting around enjoying themselves while working partner slogs away

If the stay at home parent got a part time job - the other adult could also go part time.

That would be a very acceptable plan if it were with a view to getting a better quality job to contribute to the family finances.

A niche job doesn’t sound a very likely job for anyone.

The issue here is the lack of communication about expectations and options, the op has not given his wife adequate warning or discussion and so this is going to be extremely hard to navigate now.

It might be after some consideration his wife chooses to take on a part time job - but in reality she might find that extremely tough depending on where they live and what the opportunities are available to her. We live rurally and it would be impossible here. Maybe if op is city based there are plentiful options available to them.

As op has scuttled off we are unlikely to find out.

although it is also true that the stay at home parent sacrificed the youthful work years where they would be a far more attractive employee

I have looked for work in my 40s and very aware that there are SO MANY younger people than me going for the same jobs. And I have a lot of experience so very much better off searching than this OP will be.

Exactly. Being a SAHP is already very relaxed once all DC are in school full time. The SAHP should certainly be doing all the chores in this situation and has been taking advantage of @Equalitystreets for years in not doing so. I wouldn't be able to respect such a lazy and uncaring 'partner' and would not have put up with this long term.

It seems really unfair that the working parent is doing half the household chores whilst the SAHP has older kids and lots of leisure time. Also unless there is some massive backstory that's been missed such as the SAHP has a medical consultant which makes working difficult then no they shouldn't be retiring when the kids go to university they need to get a job. As a a mum of 3 kids one of whom is disabled I still work part time.

OP, to he brutally honest, your partner is taking the piss.

I've observed similar in other couples where one partner just doesn't work and clearly has no intention of ever doing so. One wife I know has even buggered off alone, travelling the world now that her children are at uni. She is not even around in the holidays.

While I'm all for having a stay at home parent when the kids are young and did this myself for 2 years, this is not necessary for 18+ years! It's bordering on financial abuse.

That said, a long time out of the workplace can lead to a loss of confidence etc. Maybe they need some support with preparing to work?

I work in a supermarket. We are actively recruiting people in their forties and fifties (so, largely, parents returning to the workplace who no longer have to be at home for sick children/doing the school run, etc) because there aren't enough youngsters who want to work in retail around here. I'm 64 and it's a perfectly 'doable' job physically as long as you don't have any massive physical problems (and it keeps you fit!).

You need to communicate how you are feeling. Your partner has had a very charmed existence and at the point where you are starting to feel trapped and resenting having to provide for this then your relationship is in trouble.
I would suggest you both put some thought into futures - you are at an age where options can look very different. Personally would be looking to down size and live with less rather than keep working full time. I know that and have planned accordingly. Most of my peers plan to keep working and often already have bigger pension pots than me but I know I will enjoy my plan and actually I am already living on what I will have and saving the extra currently. You can live and thrive on less than you think. I am having a second phase where I might get do all sorts of- we shall see. I am not letting being the breadwinner trap me so I work until I am knackered.

How old are the kids now?
I actually do not understand saying 'I cannot wait to retire' if you are a SAHP as (unless you have very young kids) your life won't change when you retire! You still have to clean, cook and do not have a job. Why is she so looking forward to it??

I think that with kids in education, the household chores shouldn't have been split equally, but you should have addressed this at the beginning. I think it is reasonable to expect that the SAHP does 80/90% of the cleaning, cooking...at least with kids at school!

Why are you assuming, in every comment, that the SAHP is a woman?

Do you think that being lazy and selfish and expecting someone else to provide for them is behaviour that is exclusive to women? Why are you denigrating your own sex constantly? The OP may well be a hard working woman, someone whose work is never done, supporting a lazy man.

They already split the household chores 50/50 even though OP's partner has no children at home and doesn't work. I assume that the 50/50 split of household chores would continue if OP's partner found a job.

I don’t know why anyone would assume they could be a SAHP for their entire lives. If the children are grown-up you’re not a SAHP you were a SAHP now you’re not working.

I also can’t understand how in any household with older children the sole earner would be doing 50% of the work.

OP I don’t think it’s healthy to let resentment brew, I think you need to make it clear how you feel and work it out from there.

I can’t see what ‘retiring’ at this stage will change for the SAHP. Except it’s a clear statement to the other -“ do not expect me to get a job “

it’s crazy. While there are still things to do when the kids are home and teens need a lot of time, driving places etc. the stay at home Parent will already have plenty of time to themselves. Are they retired from doing nothing to doing nothing with the different title?

Male or female doesn’t make any difference. Lazy arsehole

I want to know what the SAHP is retiring from! What do they intend to do in their retirement?

Well the op shouldn't have had kids with someone who expected that they would take care of the financial side of things

The sahp didn't do a thing wrong - how unfair to turf them back to work

I can see why you would be resentful op. But what conversations were had as the kids started to grow up? Surely once they were t to secondary school there was the option for the SAHP to start back at work?

I think you probably need to be clear that you won’t be funding your partner to stay at home. I’ve had to say that to my H who assumed he would retire early and we’d live on my salary once the mortgage is paid off (which financially would be doable). But it would mean I couldn’t retire at anywhere hear a similar age so I’ve said no. He has to fund half the bills (both of us have always worked FT).

How has this not been an issue previously? A SAHP has been at home continuously right up to University age children? I think the working partner has been a mug contributing to investments all this time. Is that what is funding their retirement. Is the working partner able to take early retirement?

I was a SAHM until my youngest was 2. Part time until 13, full time up to leaving university then PT again and retired at 58. DH retired 8 years early also at 58 as I was not selfish enough to let him carry the sole responsibility for providing for our family. All income, investments etc joint and spread equally. I also ensured he played equal part in housework and childcare.

In this scenario I would be telling partner they have to do everything at home and who will be funding Uni for kids? Make them get a job as you should have done 10 years ago.

God yeah, imagine having to work 😂