Stay at home parent looking forward to retirement

[Equalitystreets]

One partner is and has always been the sole breadwinner.

Other is a stay at home parent who as the children have gotten older has gradually had more free time during the day.

They always share the household chores equally.

When the children go to University, the stay at home parent has said they will be retiring and ‘they can’t wait’.

The partner with the job has at least another 15 years of work to do (and all their retirement funding will come from this partner’s investments, or investments set up in the stay at home parent’s name that were set up and funded by the working partner).

Is the stay at home partner being reasonable to declare their job is completed when the children are 18, even if the other partner has another 15 years of work to do?

Discussion with your spouse will be the only fair way forward. You are not married to a generic spouse, you are married to YOUR spouse and you both have put in place a mode of living and working to suit yourselves.
Sharing your feelings and communicating the options for the next fifteen years will be the way to go.

If your spouse continues to not work, I would be suggesting that SAHP does more of/all of the home chores and family admin now that the kids have left home.
The other option is that SAHP finds some part time work (as well as doing all the family admin etc.) and contibutes their wage to the family coffers for investment etc. exactly the same as the full time worker has done.
I would only suggest that the SAHP works full time if their earning capacity were almost as lucrative as yours. It makes financial sense that the low earning spouse sacrifices earning to fulful all household tasks.
The fourth option is that you both still split all household tasks evenly and both work full time and contribute to family investments etc. the same. You could find that stressful. You might find coordinating holidays difficult etc. right at a time when you both want to be enjoying your lifestyle together and reforming loving romantic and adventurous ties and making the most of your time without children. Thus, a personalised discussion.
Only your two can sort it and come up with win/win, happy/happy solutions.

He has always "shared the household chores equally". Did you not read his posts?

There's no issue, she can get a job, it will just have to be entry level. Best she hops to it straight away, gets herself volunteering and applies for all the entry level jobs she can find.

Far better than being a leech, and she can contribute to their retirement in 15 years.

'He stated in his posts he is not happy with things currently. Didn't you read them?'

Yeah, that's why I said up until this point. So suggesting she/he should have got a job years ago is not right as the OP was happy with the SAHP situation at that point.

OP hasn't actually stated what they want to happen on an anonymous thread, so it's quite possible he/she hasn't discussed it with their partner who remains unaware of the change in feelings.

Was it just a passing joke? Like Oh I get to retire.

But at this point anyway with the children being older it really should be mostly on the SAHP to do most of the house work, or all really!

I divorced a male partner for similar behaviour it was the only option left after years of refusing to do their fair share.

I work, parent full time, do housework, managed the menopause and have elderly parents and done all this for several years with no partner to help. I don’t have the choice not to earn and just do the other stuff as my ‘job’.

The strain on the working person also increases with age. Especially if they don’t have time to exercise and relax. It’s why so many men in their 50’s have heart attacks.

it’s good for the person at home to work. It’s good for their mental health, confidence and social life. There’s lots of evidence retiring early increases the risk of dementia. I’d also find such a partner boring.

It sounds as though you have provided well and are in a much better financial situation than me so your partner may not feel there is a need to work. Do you genuinely need to save more to retirement or is this you wanting a more luxurious retirement and your partner is happy with a more frugal one. Have you sat down with a financial adviser together? They can’t assume you will ease through to retirement with no health problems or redundancy. If there’s a financial gap or risk then they should be willing to do their share even if that means having to brave going back in the workplace. Those of us in the workplace also have days when we lack confidence or find work stressful. It’s not fair for the person at home to put all the stress and responsibility on the other person. That’s not a partnership.

Other people’s choices and past choices aren’t relevant it’s perfectly reasonable to want to negotiate a fairer division of work for the next life stage so you can both retire. I don’t see that someone being a sahp in the past means they have a lifetime opt out. On that basis the earning parent would equally have the right to say I’ve also done my 20-25 years and am quitting work and going to live off savings until they run out. There is no legal obligation for you to keep working to support your OH anymore than you can force them to work and support you.

with no dc at home and both spouses at work who exactly would be creating the vast amount of housework that it would too onerous to do in evenings and weekends? The op says they already do 50% chores as well as working.

So much more context needed, to be honest.

Let's say they have 10 kids, and the SAHP is almost 60. Absolutely no point going back to work now, and good grief, that must have been a load of hard work to raise 10 kids.

Or maybe they have 1 child and the SAHP has been living like a "lady that lunches" for the last 10+ years, and she's only in her early 40's now - yes, I'd expect them to look for paid work now.

I've never been a SAHP, I went back to work when my kids were 5/6 months, however, I was always part time, as DH was the high earner. I'd say 90% of the parenting fell to me, plus all housework, plus it was always me who had to take time off if the kids were ill etc. It's quite hard being the main parent, and all too often, the parent working full time fails to acknowledge that they have been able to fly career wise, because the other parent is at home with the children.

Op - could you have built such a good career if your wife hadn't been at home, keeping the house and caring for the children?

How much do you earn? Will your wife bringing in minimum wage make a difference to when you can retire? If so, how many years earlier could you retire? These are all things I would want to know before speaking with her about her getting a job.

It’s literally in the OP

I was confused on the voting so to clarify: I voted YANBU assuming that this meant
‘not being unreasonable to expect the SAHP to get off their lazy arse and get a job!’

I don’t think it’s fair to drop this on her, if it hasn’t been planned for. What skills would she have to get a job? Had she known she could have retrained in the last few years. It sounds like you have had a good set up, where you could focus on the job and she has done everything else. But in doing so, you have deprived her of the opportunity to have a career of her own, to build up her own business etc. She has supported you and your family for years and years.

It does seem quite harsh to now decide she must find a way after so long to suddenly get a job. It might not be as easy as that. Even just to have the confidence in the work place, the IT skills etc.

In your place I would consider retraining first, or up skilling with a view to you both working part time hours perhaps until retirement that might be a good compromise?

Very selfish attitude. I would be looking to leave. Not really stay at home parent once the children are old enough to look after themselves. It’s different for primary age/disabled kids, but once they get older there’s no need for a parent to always be home.. and then expect to “retire”.
No wonder you resent them.

My mum was like this. Absolutely refused to look into getting a job, ever, despite my dad being on a low income. She also expected him to fund the 3 horses she had. She did at least do the majority of the housework though.

They divorced when I was 7 and mum eventually married someone else who she managed to live off until his death. She now has an even easier life living off pensions that she’s never paid a penny towards and a full state pension despite working very few hours over her lifetime. She still thinks she is hard done to.

people like this infuriate me. They seem to think others are responsible for their lifestyle and it’s unreasonable to ask them to contribute anything at all.

She should definitely have gotten a part time job years ago, when the kids were in high school. That's absolutely normal and in fact most go back to work when their kids are still in primary. I remember how many extra hours I had in my days when my kids started school, and that was when I started retraining, as she should have.

But she didn't want to, so that ship has sailed. Maybe, just maybe not looking for paid work once she had far more time to herself and the kids were in school was a joint decision. Doubtful, but possible.

So she is, by choice very probably very far behind in skills and education, so will just have to take an entry level job.

Oh well, worse things happen at sea.

He stated specifically that he is feeling resentful and was blindsided by her intention to continue leeching. So, no matter what previous discussions were had (or not had) it sounds like he's not happy to fund her being unemployed for the next 15 years.

So, no matter what, I guess she will just have get a job now.

or the person contributing less could contribute more. Revolutionary I know.

'It sounds like you have had a good set up, where you could focus on the job and she has done everything else. But in doing so, you have deprived her of the opportunity to have a career of her own, to build up her own business etc. She has supported you and your family for years and years.'

That is an assumption of yours as the OP says that they have always shared household tasks equally and that resentment has build up over the years, implying that they wanted their partner to return to work and likely spoke to them about this. It doesn't sound as if the SAHP has supported him/her very much, the opposite, in fact. Clearly, they had no interest in a career or a business, otherwise they would have expressed that wish earlier or even now.

You will also notice there is a lot of bitterness and anger from parents on here that have had to work all the way through, but no doubt their situations will be different to yours. Every family has a unique set up at home. Maybe you travel a lot - work extraordinary long hours etc and therefore someone had to be at home.

Either way watch out for the posts from those that have their views coloured by their own extensive difficulties and understandable exhaustion. They are opposed to all sahp and always will see them in a negative light.

All valid points.

but why does that mean that they can’t step up in the home?

'Maybe you travel a lot - work extraordinary long hours etc and therefore someone had to be at home.'

There you go again, making things up instead or reading what one of the people involved has actually written.

You make your own blanket statements though when, especially these days, WFH and flexible working is so much more common. It isn't always possible but I still don't think that some men push for it enough.

I'm the 'super high earner' and have found the more I have progressed, the more flexibility I have because my skills are an asset to the company and they are willing to compromise and give me so much freedom over my diary because I'm important to them and they want me to be happy with my work/life balance.

Again, I know it isn't always possible such as those who are regularly required to work away but there's absolutely men out there who could be more flexible if they really wanted to.

As a SAHM, it is a life of drudgery and constantly being available to everyone. I don't blame them 'looking forward to retirement'. Of course they know that they won't get to retire, that you never get to retire and that (assuming that it's a woman) will have elderly parents and in-laws to look after and support instead. Also, let's not be too harsh on SAHMs. It's hard to get back into the work place having given up your job and role for years. The thought of going back to work in a much more junior poorly paid role that you held before is not exactly exciting. However, if the other partner is stressed, then they should be looking to make some sort of contribution (either more around the house or a part time job). As an aside, I doubt that she is only doing 50% around the house. All that other life admin managing the kids and the mental load that women carry goes completely unnoticed.

Neither partner should get to 'call all the shots'. It sounds as if the SAHP has been calling all the shots for several years and the other partner is fed up.

@Equalitystreets you need to speak to him/her. What has been their response when you have tried previously?

The sahp is lazy. If this is you op- pull your finger out. If you are the breadwinner you are silly for having an arrangement which is so one sided.
If you aren’t either - just ignore.

I agree with that statement. Women never retire ever. The golf courses are never heaving with women. The role of a mother never ends.

@Equalitystreets A lot of posters have asked how does your wife go about finding a job. The answer is the same as an 18 year old or 21 year old after university. 15 years is time to do a degree or an apprenticeship and still have 10 years+ at work. Yes, her age will be an issue but many people do find work, however, she should have transferrable skills e.g. planning & organising from running a home that translate to the workplace.

I hope this maybe helpful

• Start with the National Careers Service - do the skills audit and quiz to find possible careers https://nationalcareers.service.gov.uk
• Look at government funded courses https://www.gov.uk/guidance/free-courses-for-jobs
• look at local collages who run free courses e.g. digital skills
• look at modern apprenticeships https://www.apprenticeships.gov.uk
• the public sector does not discriminate on age and these 3 websites may help:
• https://www.jobsgopublic.com
• https://www.jobs.nhs.uk/candidate
• https://www.civilservicejobs.service.gov.uk/csr/index.cgi

The idea of someone in their early 50s who is health is not capable of any job is ridiculous. Yes, they will find their age is a barrier but many people do find jobs.

We haven't been told whether SAHP is a woman or a man .

When they say they 'can't wait to retire' what do they mean ? Your children will be going to university , so what do they intend to do differently apart from looking after the children ?

@Feelingmuchbetter What bitterness and anger? I must have missed that. As for me, I didn't HAVE to work at all. I stayed home for 7 years, till mine were in primary, and then I felt that it would be very stupid, lazy, harmful to myself, unfair to my husband and downright wrong to sit on my arse for hours every day while he paid all the bills.

Once the kids are in school it cannot be argued by anybody that a SAHM job is full time. It simply is not, regardless of any claim to the contrary.

So I got a part time paid job, like nearly every other mother does.

I find myself pitying the OP's unemployed partner, as she has put herself in a shit situation.But I pity him more for her entitled behaviour.

Anyway, life being what it is, if he doesn't want to be her full time wallet and workhorse and fund her being unemployed for 15 years, she will just have to get herself a job.

Any wage is better than being an unemployed leech.