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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends weird reaction to male name and number on a bit of paper

76 replies

Waspee · 03/05/2025 14:35

Was this a weird reaction?

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Both late 20s. Boyfriend found a ripped off piece of paper with a male name and number written down whilst cleaning my car as a favour (I am driving a group of hens next weekend and mentioned needing to get car cleaned). The number was for a gardener I ran into when in my local. I’ve been searching for him for years as he was extremely reasonably priced and did a decent job when my parents used him for their garden years ago. He’s also in his 50s if not 60s.

Anyway, boyfriend very dramatically pulls out the paper when we were in the middle of having dinner (I had made an effort to cook and set the table nicely) and he very abruptly says “can you please explain this”. He’s not in the slightest bit controlling but the whole thing just weirded me out. How to make a mountain out of a molehill…

I’ve not seen a single red flag in the few months we’ve been serious. I’m not saying this is a right red flag but it’s not a green one either.

Why not breezily mention “oh and here’s the number you had written down, still need it?”

OP posts:
Rewis · 05/05/2025 00:04

Bridestone · 04/05/2025 23:46

You don’t think pulling out the piece of paper in the middle of dinner and demanding an explanation is a bit ‘melodramatic showdown’?

Show quote history

Or did he process the information, figured that dinner would be a good time to bring it up. Then pulled out the piece of paper and ask what it was? I

It is totally possible that he is a controlling and abusive just waiting to the mask to drop. But it is also possible that he found his new gf having some guys phone number and needed to think about it for a minute and brought it up awkwardly. Yes, could have 'breezely ask about it'or just assume it was a gardner without asking or another variation that is deemed as the correct response. But im just not getting a melodramatic showdown. I'm gonna need a better description of how he dramatically pulled out the paper and I'm not sure bringing something up abruptly means it was demanding.

Op, clearly your gut is telling you something is off with him. I wasn't there so I have no idea what it was like, trust your gut.

mumda · 05/05/2025 00:15

(I had made an effort to cook and set the table nicely)

So do you normally eat like a slob? Did he compliment the effort you'd gone to?

I think it's potentially a red flag ... I'd plan something else without him next weekend and see how he reacts. that'll help you establish whether this was a red flag. Only help though. Some of them are good for a long time before they reveal.

notacooldad · 05/05/2025 08:31

But it is also possible that he found his new gf having some guys phone number and needed to think about it for a minute and brought it up awkwardly

I am really struggling to understand why he needs to know who the phone number belongs to. It's non of his buisness. He is a new boyfriend. As I've said before I would assume the name would be associated with a business, as it was in this case ( the gardner)

Sure, it's a guy name but in my house i don't see a female phone number jotted down and want to know who it is.

Rewis · 05/05/2025 10:16

notacooldad · 05/05/2025 08:31

But it is also possible that he found his new gf having some guys phone number and needed to think about it for a minute and brought it up awkwardly

I am really struggling to understand why he needs to know who the phone number belongs to. It's non of his buisness. He is a new boyfriend. As I've said before I would assume the name would be associated with a business, as it was in this case ( the gardner)

Sure, it's a guy name but in my house i don't see a female phone number jotted down and want to know who it is.

And that's great for you.

I'm not sure why the concept of wanting to know why your partner has someone else's phone number on a piece of paper (that's not a business card) is so controversial. It is great that people don't care about that stuff in their relationship. But it isn't exactly completely out there thing to ask about.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 05/05/2025 10:21

The fact he didn’t just ask you at the time “Err do I need to be worried haha” or “here’s a number I found, who’s Will”? It’s fine to be a bit insecure and curious.

Instead he held on to it like a weirdo and then made a big dramatic reveal/demand at dinner. He’s shown you a glimpse of who he is during a tricky moment and it’s not good.

Massive ick from me, I think you should throw this one back.

ManchesterGirl2 · 05/05/2025 10:24

Has he been cheated on in previous relationships? I'd have some empathy if so.

If not, it's a pretty insulting conclusion to leap to.

Happyinarcon · 05/05/2025 10:29

I would run a mile. These people don’t start off being suffocated and controlling, they quietly push boundaries and test to see how you’ll react. Consider this a boundary test and expect things to slowly get worse

notacooldad · 05/05/2025 10:32

@Rewis
I'm not sure why the concept of wanting to know why your partner has someone else's phone number on a piece of paper (that's not a business card) is so controversial. It is great that people don't care about that stuff in their relationship. But it isn't exactly completely out there thing to ask about,
The issue to me us that he is a new boyfriend. He seems to be a bit territorial too soon and two the drama of 'very abruptly says “can you please explain this
That is way too much. If he said' hey whose this love, anyone I know? I may be a bit less frosty towards it but who the bloody hell does he think he is!
If anyone e thinks being spoken to like that and having to justify yourself to a new boyfriend is OK you are bonkers!

As with a lot of things it's not what you say, it's the way that you say it counts.

Rewis · 05/05/2025 10:42

That's the beauty of this site. We interpret things written differently and reflect them with our own lense. None of us will ever know what really happend so this is all what we have to go with.

notacooldad · 05/05/2025 11:11

That's the beauty of this site. We interpret things written differently and reflect them with our own lense. None of us will ever know what really happend so this is all what we have to go with.,

To be fair, op does say Anyway, boyfriend very dramatically pulls out the paper when we were in the middle of having dinner and he very abruptly says “can you please explain this”.
Would you be happy with being questioned like that by a new boyfriend? Waiting until the middle if dinner to produce the paper he has taken from her car?
Come on , I haven't fallen of the turnip truck! That is him marking his territory at the minimum.

Lorlorlorikeet · 05/05/2025 12:46

notacooldad · 03/05/2025 14:37

he very abruptly says “can you please explain this”. He’s not in the slightest bit controlling
Demanding an explanation in the manner he did is controlling.

Extremely. Extremely controlling.

Flags don’t always flap straight away. Especially if you’ve ’behaved yourself’ in his eyes so far. Do not ignore this. He has made his controlling displeasure known in a domineering way. Who does he think he is?!

rosierosierosie · 05/05/2025 12:56

Speak to him about the way he chose to raise the issue with you. Explain it’s not a good way to communicate and you need more mature, honest and open communication.

You’re then calling it out as it’s happened, and you’ll get to see how he responds to you saying this.

rainbowlou · 05/05/2025 19:03

Happyinarcon · 05/05/2025 10:29

I would run a mile. These people don’t start off being suffocated and controlling, they quietly push boundaries and test to see how you’ll react. Consider this a boundary test and expect things to slowly get worse

I agree with this I’m afraid.
Before you know it he will no doubt be questioning any males you know, and worse.

JockTamsonsBairns · 05/05/2025 19:09

My viciously abusive and controlling first husband wasn't remotely controlling when he was my boyfriend.

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2025 19:16

Did he find it or did he snoop?

mummybear35 · 05/05/2025 19:36

I’ve had men’s names scribbled randomly on bits of paper, old envelopes, post it notes etc around the house and none of my boyfriends or husband ever registered or asked let alone in the fashion described! My husband had the same on his desk as worked from home a lot. That would piss me off and in a new relationship, it would cause warning bells to go off. His insecurity is his problem and not mine..

mummybear35 · 05/05/2025 19:40

How does that old saying go…when someone shows you how they are, believe them

Deckings · 05/05/2025 19:43

Huge red flag OP.
Who the hell does he think he is?
You have been warned.
Listen to and trust your gut.
It's there to warn and protect you.

IndigoViolent · 05/05/2025 22:04

I agree. It’s the whole “Can you please explain this” that would get me. It’s immediately accusatory in tone.

What’s wrong with “Who’s Will?”? Then all the OP had to say was “Oh, it’s the bloke I’ve organised to do the gardening”. The end.

user101101 · 05/05/2025 22:08

He made a mistake and jumped to the wrong conclusions. Then felt silly about it. End of story??

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 05/05/2025 22:25

He did it in a triumphant ‘gotcha’ way as he was expecting a confrontation because you were hiding something. You weren’t. So, what’s he going to do about his insecurity? He can’t just pretend this didn’t occur.

PrimitivePerson · 05/05/2025 22:48

Notsosure1 · 04/05/2025 18:57

Wouldn’t your first thought be for your partner to explain name and phone number of random person the opposite sex hidden in their car tho?

Show quote history

Actually, no. There's plenty of legitimate reasons to have the phone number of a member of the opposite sex written down somewhere. Hundreds of legitimate reasons. Thousands, even. There's a tiny number of not-legitimate ones.

If I found something like that in my partner's car, all I'd say would be "I found this bit of paper with a phone number on it, do you need to keep it?"

Notsosure1 · 06/05/2025 08:21

PrimitivePerson · 05/05/2025 22:48

Actually, no. There's plenty of legitimate reasons to have the phone number of a member of the opposite sex written down somewhere. Hundreds of legitimate reasons. Thousands, even. There's a tiny number of not-legitimate ones.

If I found something like that in my partner's car, all I'd say would be "I found this bit of paper with a phone number on it, do you need to keep it?"

Edited
Show quote history

You’re absolutely right. Usually though it’s got a hint of the reason for the number, I’ve found anyway. If only to remind the person themselves who that person is,

eg. HSBC, Emma Smith - number, or Kitchen Shop, Marie - number etc.

People that don’t obviously have a far better memory than me

Communitywebbing · 06/05/2025 16:28

‘Can you please explain this?’ Bugger that. He’s implying that you make hasty assignations with random men. How dare he? Unless you have given him reason to think you might do that, he’s being rude and ridiculous.

Deckings · 06/05/2025 17:26

OP owes him diddle squat explanation to this.
He's a CF. Dump.