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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriends weird reaction to male name and number on a bit of paper

76 replies

Waspee · 03/05/2025 14:35

Was this a weird reaction?

I’m in a fairly new relationship. Both late 20s. Boyfriend found a ripped off piece of paper with a male name and number written down whilst cleaning my car as a favour (I am driving a group of hens next weekend and mentioned needing to get car cleaned). The number was for a gardener I ran into when in my local. I’ve been searching for him for years as he was extremely reasonably priced and did a decent job when my parents used him for their garden years ago. He’s also in his 50s if not 60s.

Anyway, boyfriend very dramatically pulls out the paper when we were in the middle of having dinner (I had made an effort to cook and set the table nicely) and he very abruptly says “can you please explain this”. He’s not in the slightest bit controlling but the whole thing just weirded me out. How to make a mountain out of a molehill…

I’ve not seen a single red flag in the few months we’ve been serious. I’m not saying this is a right red flag but it’s not a green one either.

Why not breezily mention “oh and here’s the number you had written down, still need it?”

OP posts:
notacooldad · 03/05/2025 14:37

he very abruptly says “can you please explain this”. He’s not in the slightest bit controlling
Demanding an explanation in the manner he did is controlling.

SparklyGlitterballs · 03/05/2025 14:38

There were so many nice ways he could have approached this but he went for the stroppy one. I wouldn't be impressed.

Original poster
Waspee · 03/05/2025 14:38

notacooldad · 03/05/2025 14:37

he very abruptly says “can you please explain this”. He’s not in the slightest bit controlling
Demanding an explanation in the manner he did is controlling.

This was the first instance of any behaviour I could remotely deem controlling. It was why I was weirded out.

OP posts:
Scousemousey · 03/05/2025 14:39

As above, he's being weirdly dramatic as though he doesn't trust you. 🙁

midtownmum · 03/05/2025 14:39

How did he react when you told him it was for a gardener?

Copiousamountsofpulses · 03/05/2025 14:40

I bet he felt like a prize idiot!

tripleginandtonic · 03/05/2025 14:41

So did you explain or did you say myob?

DownWithCremeEggs · 03/05/2025 14:41

Very overdramatic. How did he react when you explained it was for a gardener?

notacooldad · 03/05/2025 14:41

This was the first instance of any behaviour I could remotely deem controlling. It was why I was weirded out.
But as you said, it's a new relationship. Sounds like you should still be in the lovey dovey stage but he is already demanding info that he deems suspicious.
I would be very careful tbh and watching his behaviour like a hawk if you want to continue with him.

Cerialkiller · 03/05/2025 14:42

As with most things, if it's a one off, it's probably just a badly judged communication.

If it's a pattern of behaviour then it's a red flag, a serious one.

Agree with pp that his reaction would matter very much to me. If he was contrite/embarrassed/amused then I would feel better then sulky/challenging/accusatory

Original poster
Waspee · 03/05/2025 14:43

midtownmum · 03/05/2025 14:39

How did he react when you told him it was for a gardener?

Well I had told him that I had had a stroke of luck by running into Will. And Will was the name written down (guess he didn’t make the connection) so I said “that’s Will. the gardener I was telling you about…”. He accepted it. He sort of did an “ohhh ok”.

OP posts:
HuffleMyPuffle · 03/05/2025 14:44

Did he believe you or did he make a fuss?

Tbh I can imagine some MNers would do this

Original poster
Waspee · 03/05/2025 14:44

I would say he felt silly. He certainly didn’t not believe me

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 03/05/2025 14:45

It seems a bit off the way he reacted. Even if it was some bloke who gave you his number for potential sexy times, many years ago, you clearly aren't with them or you'd have saved the number into your phone?

Who communicates with people using numbers on bits of paper? Does he think your going down to the local phone box to illicitly arrange a hookup?

The act of having someone's number on a scrap of paper means absolutely fuck all.

Yeah, I'd say it is quite a bad red flag.

Did he drop it and apologise when you curtly told him it was a septegenerian gardener your parents used years ago?

WasherWoman25 · 03/05/2025 14:48

This feels a bit MN double standards again.

Woman finds a ripped up woman’s phone number and it’s get your ducks in a row, don’t believe what he says, do some digging etc.

InALonelyWorld · 03/05/2025 14:50

Yes he could have chosen a less dramatic way to ask but I have to disagree with PP's here. This is a new relationship so you don't really know eachother. If I had found a torn off piece of paper with another woman's contact info on then I may have jumped to conclusions and questioned (internally) if perhaps they had felt we weren't as exclusive as I'd been originally led to believe, so I would have expected a conversation and explanation on this matter.

I have been far too trusting/breezy in the past and been burned far to many times, so I do treat scenarios like this one with a bit of suspicion. I don't think that makes me a bad person or a "red flag".

DisplayPurposesOnly · 03/05/2025 14:51

I would be heartily pissed off by the performance and the tone.

Tell him that's not the way you expect him to behave if there's an issue.

growinguptobreakingdown · 03/05/2025 14:55

I had a similar reaction when I found a girls name and number in my now DH's pocket when we were in our 20s. It turned out to be the number for a local picture framer he had told me about. I was really apologetic but he was freaked out by my jealousy and lack of trust . I learnt a lesson about trusting him and not jumping to conclusions.Maybe just talk to him about why he immediately jumped to a dodgy conclusion and that it's not OK behaviour.

DownWithCremeEggs · 03/05/2025 14:59

WasherWoman25 · 03/05/2025 14:48

This feels a bit MN double standards again.

Woman finds a ripped up woman’s phone number and it’s get your ducks in a row, don’t believe what he says, do some digging etc.

Nobody has said he shouldn't have asked/wondered who it was. It's the accusing tone he used that is inappropriate and over the top.

Hamandpineapplepizza · 03/05/2025 14:59

I expect he got himself quite worked up before asking you

As a one off that wouldn't worry me. I can see why it looked dodgy to him

MoominMai · 03/05/2025 15:03

Yup this is a red flag. Because instead of addressing it in real time and as you said just naturally bringing it up with no implied meaning as in “found this - you still need it.” Instead he decides to hide it away, form his own negative judgement without consulting you and tries to ‘catch you out’ as it were by dramatically revealing it when least expected. Sorry but this is the kind of thing my ex did after a few months of dating and because I’d fallen so hard for him I overlooked it and gave him benefit of the doubt which in the end turned out to be the wrong decision as these behaviour traits only escalate so if that happened to me, I’d be out.

outerspacepotato · 03/05/2025 15:04

So he made a big production mid dinner about finding a phone # but he's not controlling?

Is he an actor by profession?

If so, give his performance an F and dump.

If not, dump. If this is how he acts in a new relationship, you are in for big trouble.

Silsatrip · 03/05/2025 15:06

New relationship, thinks you owe him an explanation...red flag.

He could have said who's Will if he was just wondering.

Toddlerteaplease · 03/05/2025 15:06

Get rid of him now. He’s showing you who he is.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/05/2025 15:07

Most people I know whip out their phone and put a number straight in rather than having little bits of paper hanging around which inevitably get lost. So the only reason I can think is that BF thought that some bloke had written his number down and slipped it to OP. Not that this is any excuse, because it's still weird and controlling behaviour when any normal person would say 'I found this, do you still want it?'

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