Someone please tell me if I’m being dramatic and unfair to end things over this?

[Heshaip]

DP moved jobs around a year ago when DD was 1. It meant he worked away Monday to Friday. We weren’t in a great place relationship wise at the time and had discussed ending things.

However, things became really good. We’ve gone from strength to strength and really happy.

In March I found out that he has never told anyone at his new work about me or DD. I was mostly shocked that DD was a secret but also very hurt that I was too. There’s also people he knows from a long time ago who get in touch at new year or infrequently who he hasn’t told either.

We talked about it and he said he just felt worried we were going to break up and it was hard to talk about at work due to the nature of the work…yet he knows all about his colleagues’ lives.

I basically said either he is transparent and lives authentically or I don’t want to be part of this. He said he would tell people and be open. Last night he said he still hadn’t told anyone as he was finding it hard to find the right words, so I resorted to saying change his photo on WhatsApp to one with our daughter because at least that would show me he actually wanted to fix this. He refused and said he would do it next week after he had told people in person. The nature of his work means all his contacts are on his WhatsApp and so this has made me particularly pissed off.

I am not the sort of person to be controlling or care about social media etc and I hate that I feel I’ve been driven to this state of upset. Part of me does actually want to just end things. I wonder if I’m being dramatic and don’t want to disrupt things for DD. it’s all making me feel shit. Aibu?

Anyone? Hopeful bump

His behaviour sounds suspicious to me.

You can end a relationship for any reason you want to. I wouldn't like to find out that me or my child were a big secret either. Bad enough he's hiding you from colleagues, but to hide from friends too? That's just weird.

I am not the sort of person to be controlling or care about social media etc

Doesn't check out

I find this behaviour very odd.
Have you met his work colleagues in person? Visited his workplace before?
How long have you been together?

Whatever about not mentioning you for fear of breaking up, to omit that he has a child who will always be around isn't something I'd be willing to accept. If everyone was to think like him, no one would say they're in a relationship 🤨

If your relationship only goes well when he's away most of the time and pretending you don't exist, I don't think it's a good relationship

I would be unhappy about this too

Sounds like he's living the single life while he's away OP.

Oof this is tricky. I can see your point of view but also his. Some people like to keep work and home separate and at a turbulent time in the relationship I wouldn’t have wanted people asking how x or y is doing.

You don’t need permission to end if. Listen to your gut. If he can I by omission about the life he loves what else can he lie about…

I'd be very suspicious, especiallyas he works away during the week. He probably has a weekday girlfriend and you're the weekend girlfriend.

Has he actually denied your existence (i.e told people he's not married and doesn't have any children) or just not mentioned it?

whilst I know about a lot about some of my colleagues' family situations, there are others that I know extremely little about - they just prefer to keep their personal life outside of work. I don't expect or need to know!

I think the key test is whether his actual friends he sees frequently (not the once or twice a year ones) know about you.

Sorry one important thing I should have added is that he really isn’t someone who would cheat. He’s a little on the spectrum and whilst I know anyone can cheat, I really really really do not think this is what it is about. He’s very attentive with me and always in contact and so on.

@RedSkyDelights its not come up. I feel upset he won’t now change his profile picture, I know that makes me sound like I’m about 11! But why can’t he just do that? He says he wants to tell people in person but it seems so odd

I don't understand why he feels the need to consider the wording, surely his relationship status would become apparent in post weekend or post holiday chit chat.

"Nice weekend, Dave?
"Yes thanks, we took our daughter to the Flamingo Park Zoo. Lovely weather." And so on.

At the moment, he's allowing people to believe his relationship status is single, no children. I wouldn't be happy about this either.

There are loads of people I work with, on a daily basis .. I have no clue if they are married or have children.

I would never ask (to intrusive)and unless it comes up in general conversation (unlikely)why would they mention it?

I think you’re both in the wrong tbh.

Firstly, in response to your title: you don’t need a significant reason to break up with him. You can break up for any reason. It doesn’t have to be valid to others. Ultimately it sounds like your relationship has been on the rocks for ages, so what more reason do you need?

secondly I don’t really understand why you want him to tell his colleagues he’s with you so badly, because this isn’t really the thing that needs any announcement let alone an urgent one. I have never had a conversation with a colleague where they are like “btw I wanted to let you know I’m married with kids”. I would find that weird, as if they’re suggesting I’m intimately interested in them when in reality I couldn’t care less!

Do you work? In many workplaces people put their heads down and maintain a level of privacy about their lives. Sometimes this is a valid thing to do to protect yourself especially in toxic environments. So his decision not to tell his colleagues before isn’t actually a shady thing or a slight on you.

But with that being said, if you’re not happy you should break up, the whole thing sounds exhausting.

I'd end it over this. One of the many things I love about my partner is that mentions me, introduces me to people in his life, wants me in his family. He keeps friends, family and colleagues up to date on what's going on with me. It makes me feel deeply cared for. We've been through awful rocky times too.

I'd be heartbroken if I had a baby and my partner didn't acknowledge them to their colleagues.

Sounds like he's keeping his options open . Sorry OP x

How did you find out he hadn't told anyone?

If you don't think he's cheating and trust him then I think you're making it a bigger deal than it needs to be tbh.

In 12 entire months he hasn’t had a conversation opportunity at work to mention you or his own daughter?
Nobody’s asked him “up to anything nice at the weekend?” at work?
Very suspicious especially as he works away the whole week.
I can almost understand him not mentioning you at his new job if your relationship was unstable but not mentioning his daughter? Worrying x

Thanks. I just feel so sad as we have so many happy times but I feel my self esteem and peace being disrupted all the time by this.

Does he think that people will judge him for being away all week when they know that he has a partner and child? Not saying that they should, but that is the only other reason I can think for not doing it?
Personally I think the WhatsApp picture route is much easier than dropping in a child in a conversation after a year. That way the people who care will notice and think Oh! but then going forward it will be easier to mention her again in conversations. And those who don't care will continue not to do so and it is no big deal either way.

I feel upset he won’t now change his profile picture

You'd break up a family over this?

@vapourtrail that’s what I thought with the WhatsApp picture. He does get very anxious socially so I do believe he has struggled to ‘find the words’ but equally he knows since March this has made me very upset and still hasn’t changed the situation. It’s hurtful.

@SlagPit no. That’s why I wrote more than that one sentence.